Rules of Dating

I have no idea when I actually wrote this. It was wayyy in the archives though, like 2014. I wish I had followed my own advice! XD

Rules of Dating:

1. Don't date someone because you're lonely, bored, or to get in their group of friends.

2. Don't date someone you aren't physically attracted to.

3. Don't date someone when you don't have your own support group of friends or family.

4. Don't show the person you date your whole self until you know they can handle it.

5. Don't pretend you're perfect around them even if you're usually excellent at first impressions. It's misleading for a relationship.

COT

Oh I'm the worst. I broke my promise to y'all and I did a rant post instead of a COT post. Sometimes I have so much poison in my soul, it has to give though. This morning I finally dumped out the box of crumpled journal pages Kyle left me with and just looked at them and read them and looked at them and I didn't cry. I didn't let the sadness wash over, because that feeling is too pure to be wasted on Kyle. Too akin to love. And so I let it turn the opposite way.
But I don't hate him. I don't hate anyone. I was angry and I see terrible injustice in what happened, but if that year of memories is the price I must pay to have Kyle out of my life, then so be it. My life is too blessed and my family and God and the world's beauty and the love I experienced once upon a time are all too good to have a heart full of hate.
So here goes the COT post:

Lessons I learned at COT:
1) Leadership: Leadership is sometimes just that, leading a group of peers through something. It doesn't mean you have to be the best or even know what you're doing before you start. It requires communication, it requires learning what your mission objective and rules of engagement are, it requires delegation, assessment of group and individual strengths, setting of goals, responsibility to higher ups, taking accountability from members of the team when they screw up, and basically just being there every time you work as a team. You have to be the focal point of communication, and you have to lead as best as you know how to, being confident that anyone could lead, but you are the one with the assignment that day. It's a mix of humility and a let's just get this done already mentality.
I can be a leader by showing up, speaking up, and volunteering immediately. The most important action a leader can take is to have a service before self attitude and volunteer to do the jobs people don't want but will serve the most people on the team. That's how you gain status, responsibility, credibility and respect. You'll earn loyalty and favors and become one of the group. Lead in your own way, according to your own personality. But always volunteer.

2) Military bearing: I got yelled at the first day of COT for smiling. I quit smiling but kept a cheery attitude. I fixed my face into a relaxed and friendly straight line. The next day I got singled out in line and yelled at repeatedly by 'the bulldog' for smiling even though my face was no where near a smile. That's when embarrassed and frustrated I let my pride and anger take over and I fixed my face into a dead-eyes, don't f with me scowl. If they didn't want my good mood, and polite expression simply put on for the sake of others' comfort, then I sure as heck was done granting favors. I made my face a stone and impassive wall remembering my anger from that one moment and not granting any good graces to anyone. When the major came by and screamed in her shrill, cantankerous southern accent about how we were a joke and disgrace to the Air Force, when the Sgt Covert gave repeated 341s which led to the dismissal of the chaplain standing next to me, when the bulldog passed by roaring out demands, I didn't give them the flutter of an eyelash. Open ranks inspection came and the MTI inspecting me made jokes and tried to distract me, but by then my military bearing was locked in and it felt good to have a wall that let me keep my privacy of thought and emotion to myself, away from the enemy. I didn't realize how open my facial expressions made me. When getting feedback, criticism, or unjust accusations in the future, I have my military bearing in my back pocket ready to go. It might not look like that dead-eye scowl I first adopted, but it is just as impassive.

3) Integrity first, and discipline.
Marching is the worst. Waking up at 4:30 is the worst. Cupping your hands, squaring corners, keeping silent in the halls and bathroom, staying still at attention, and not falling asleep in class or the auditorium during COT, it's just the worst. But I learned that after getting used to it, it feels good to will away an itch and stay still, swallow the funny remark, and maintain the appearance of an officer even when no one is around. It gives you a sense of pride to know that you're stronger than the urge to be lazy and relaxed. It feels good to know you have discipline even when no one is there to enforce it.

4) Teamwork
    a. Looking for strengths in others
    b. Giving feedback
    c. Friendship/roommates

To be continued

Time Capsule

Here's a snapshot of me right now on July 16, 2019

I'll write more about my COT experience later, but I just wanted to reflect on the moment that is now.

Favorite Song: Forever by Lewis Capaldi. I'm obsessed with the lyrics and his voice. It just captures my mood. I just love Lewis Capaldi in general. Mercy is another good song.

Mindset/Goal: Turn every thought from things I can't control and towards my goal- which is to prepare myself to be a military physician, to lead a team, and to improve the military medical system

Guy situation:
Current crush is on a Catholic priest/chaplain. Obviously that one is bound to break my heart, but at least he'll never be with anyone else.

Training situation:
I've got a triathlon in two weeks (Spudman). Definitely not prepared. It's an olympic distance. I have another one that is two weeks after that, so hopefully it goes better. I'm sad I missed the whole tri season!!

Training goals: I want to focus on gaining muscle this fall, and start looking like someone in the military. I saw a girl at the Air Force gym who was lifting more than the guys and doing awesome pull ups. She was about my size, just way bigger amazing arms. That's what I want to look like.

Craving: A sugar cleanse. I've eaten so much crap the past 5 weeks, I don't want any treats for a while.

Point of excitement: I'm going to see Shelley(my sister) and her kiddos soon! As soon as I get home I'm driving straight to their house.

Point of Anxiety: School is starting. 'Nuff said.
Actually, I'm pretty excited for school. With my leadership/preparation mindset, I'm excited to start utilizing the things I learned in COT. Also, I think being a tutor this year will be really great for prepping for my Step exam.
I am nervous about going back to research. I have so much ECMO and ovarian cancer research to do and I'm worried I won't have enough time to finish it all.

Well, that's all for today. I really need to write about COT before I forget about it. Next post I will. I promise!

Surviving COT- Getting There

I was commissioned an officer in the United States Air Force over one year ago and at the time I honestly didn't think it was a big deal. I actually had no idea what I was signing up for or what being an officer or member of the US Air Force even meant.

In the past five weeks while at commissioned officer training in Alabama, I learned very quickly that the commitment I had made in order to finance medical school was much bigger than I had ever dreamed. Luckily for me, that decision which I made on blind faith and rash independence turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. 

I recognize that as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, being a female, in medical school and the military makes for a unique combination of roles and as such, I want to share my story of how I got here. 

To untrained eyes, my decision to join the military looks completely random, but in a way, I've been preparing to take on this role for years. 

I can trace my fascination with the military back to second grade. The student teacher/substitute who was also a family friend, had been in the military years before and told my class stories about boot camp. There must have been something innately attractive to me in the exotic stories and tough attitude, because he was my first teacher crush.

In high school, JROTC kids were mocked by everyone in the school. However, I remember my idolized mentor and science teacher Mr. Parker suggested I look into ROTC to finance college. He wasn't ignorant of the fact that JROTC kids were social pariahs and assured me that in college, ROTC was a lot different than what I had seen. I shrugged it off, cause I knew that wasn't my place in the world. I was too busy planning a way to truly impact the world, make a name for myself, and find a way to be part of something bigger while getting out of the little town I was trapped in and getting to see the world. 

I was also busy with cross country and track. I was addicted to running, fitness, and health. I loved challenging myself physically and making gains in my strength, endurance and discipline. I wanted to see how far I could push my mental and physical barriers. 

Fast forward to my freshman year in college, I met Stephen, the retired Air Force fire-fighter. We became close friends. During sophomore year, I dated Yannick, who had been training for the Green Berets. I heard first hand stories of intense training, motivations to join and then reasons to leave the military. Both of those men talked about the military with solemnity that at the time I didn't understand. Their words came back to haunt me over and over again during COT training though.

My desire to see and impact the world finally led me to take action and serve a mission. My mission to Mongolia not only turned my heart to a career in medicine, but awoke in me a streak of intense patriotism and gratitude for my home country. One by one, the pieces of the puzzle which was my future were starting to fit together.

The semester after I got home from Mongolia, I attended a pre-health conference at UC Davis. That was the first time I was exposed to the idea of the military financing medical school. A bubbly blond dentist shared her story of being stationed in South Korea with her family while working as the dentist on base. The military had paid for her school and she paid them back by working for three years in her chosen profession in a country most people only dream of seeing. She loved it, and I couldn't get her story out of my head.

Since I was a kid, my parents urged financial readiness and responsibility. They had repeatedly counseled me to stay out of debt. They wouldn't allow me to even think of taking a student loan to finance my undergrad education. Even if it meant going to a lower quality school or sacrificing study time to work as a waitress, staying out of debt was the most important consideration. With all of the work I was putting into applying to medical school and the passion I felt for my new career path, I didn't want to sacrifice the quality of my medical education for something as trivial as finances. However, I knew my parents would be anxious about the large amount of debt I would be incurring. 

I played with the idea of financing school by joining the military. I had thrown the idea out there with the guy I was dating. Things were going well with us, and I wanted to guage his response to the possibility. Long story short, he hated it. He didn't want someone to own me, or to tell me where I could or couldn't live. He especially hated the idea of living in Korea. I tried to hide my disappointment, which was more intense than I had anticipated. We broke up a couple weeks later.

During the summer of applying to medical schools, I was doing research at Stanford University. I loved summer internships because it meant I got to live someplace other than St. George. I had lived in Salt Lake, Iowa, Mongolia, and added California to the list. This went along perfectly with my plan of living in many different places for short amounts of time, a plan I had made when I was a stir-crazy senior in high school.

When I returned to school that fall, I had a high MCAT score, a dozen med school applications filed away, and high hopes of graduating and getting into an MD school. I was single, had the world at my fingertips, and happened to see a flyer advertising the Air Force HPSP scholarship program for nurses. I called the number and asked for information about HPSP for medical school. 

I wasn't dating anyone at the time to tell me no, so I went ahead and asked for the information about joining the military. I wasn't sure if I wanted to join or not, I just wanted to get some more information. Pretty soon though, I was connected with a recruiter who wouldn't take any of my non-committal attitude. He pushed and I responded, progressing step by step, while never fully committing in my heart. I filled out the necessary paperwork and got the physical. Finally the day came when my recruiter told me I was on the final step and I needed to review the contract before I signed it. 

I had started dating someone by then, I was even engaged, and he was super supportive of my joining the military. That meant we wouldn't have to worry about finances and he wouldn't have to provide for me and support me during medical school. It made sense and would make life a lot easier.

My recruiter had done a good job of emphasizing the financial gains and opportunities to travel that the Air Force would provide me with. I saw it as a way to pay for medical school and support myself along the way. It seemed like a daring thing to do and this time around, the guy I was dating supported the idea. So, I told my recruiter I was in for the long haul and he made the necessary arrangements and submitted my application. 

By the time my acceptance had been granted and it was time for my commissioning, I had broken up with my fiancee. I took my commissioning paperwork to a bank notary and in basketball shorts and a messy ponytail, I signed the next fifteen years of my life over to the military. The bank notary had a big smile and eagerly told me that the notary fee is waived for military documents. I had no idea what I had just done. 

That night, Sergeant Something-or-other came to the church by my house and gave me a huge certificate and said congratulations. That's when I learned that the signature I had notarized at the bank earlier that day was the extent of my official commissioning paperwork. I had been an officer for 6 hours and didn't even know it. 

Obviously after commissioning and even the awkward ceremony that my ex-fiancee and his whole family showed up to had ended, I felt no different. I was just doing this for the money and so I could go to medical school. I was just there to become a doctor. No big deal.

I maintained this casual attitude for the next year. I told a few people about being in the Air Force, but only in connection with financial conversations or in regard to my workout plans in order to pass the physical test. That was the extent of my loyalty to the military.

So, when I arrived at Maxwell Air Force Base and heard the deafening and threatening bark of the military trainee instructor ask an officer trainee why they were at COT, I realized I had better figure out something better to say than, "I'm just here for the money".

That first day at COT, amidst a sea of trainees I realized that I had been playing for a fool, one of the most powerful entities on earth. I had entered into a contract with the United States Air Force. The most respected and formidable Air Force in the world. I was not going to get away with skirting by. My attitude changed then and there, and I began to ask myself for a new reason to be there, because I knew that when push came to shove, and I was asked to do things that scared me, that stretched me and hurt a bit, I would need an answer that I believed in. 

Art

I wish I was an artist
So the words like glassy dew
Would fall from my lips
They would swirl and spiral
In their descent to earth
Touching the blood red poppy
And arriving like pearls
on a wine colored rose

An artist can take passion
and spin it into gold
A net of glistening power
The ember that sits on my chest
And orange coal bites at my throat
Waiting forever encased in
a robe of purest white

An artist could sort out
Turquoise and scarlet contrasts
Confusion, contradictions
Never dissecting the entanglement
or parsing spidery silken threads
But accepting and caressing
Til elucidating the weave

The artist in my mind
feels more than it sees
The velvet kiss of a wildflower's lips
and warm embrace of the sun after rain
and trapped, these emotions
Run fiery venom through her veins
Til they extinguish in my heart

I wish I were an artist
So the views I see
Of heavenly lilac and muted blush
Bronze casting of strength
Roaring waters of pride
Just waiting in my fingertips
For a place of release
When they can relax
into reliable existence
Would fear no more
for the flightiness of their candle

Child

I am so confused.
Who the heck am I?
I went to Turkey and I felt free!
I felt like I could finally be myself
From the plan to the execution
Every step
The colors and flowers
Shops and beaches
The patterns and tiles
Mystical religion and history
The countryside farms
And customs and food
It all felt like I fit there
It felt too good to be true
But I wanted it all
Even the dark side
I wanted to know everything
And speak and look and act like
I had found my home
But mostly, I thought the adventure
Had shown me who I truly was

Then I got home
And the contrast was stark
Everyone was still treading in gray
And my energized, everlasting vista
Suddenly became a thing of the past
Until I questioned if it had been real
But my fantasy, threw me a life line
And let me stay tethered
to my Turkish dream
I tried to keep it up
learning words, phrases, politics
But there's a lot I have to learn
And there were two weeks I had to repay
And I remembered the horror I had fled
And the prison of my life
I wondered how I had survived in this
I questioned if I would again

but by 5 days past, I've turned full circle
And now I'm looking back
I'm questioning why I ever left
I'm wondering who I thought I was
Because the me I need is frugal and safe
I don't leave things undone or work unchecked
And I map my goals and slowly proceed
But my future looks slippery
And it's stressing me out
I'm starting to regret what I did in a rush
I don't know what I was thinking,
Going to Turkey?
I don't know who in the world I thought I was
Cause I see that it's ridiculous
I was living in dreams
Reality is back and I'm regretting my leave

But I look to the past at my book
And see the joy and love I felt
My heart was alive and my walls down for a rest
How could I regret something so precious?
How could I regret feeling like a different person?
And I'm asking, who is that person?
We liked her, all the voices in my head agree
But she would never make it in this world
This world of competition and deadlines
and money and rush
of stigma and judging
and never ending work
She would die and fail and be trampled upon
So we keep her hidden and safe
In Turkish dreams
The cinderella of my life
The window of my soul
The smile of my heart
We'll put away that carefree child
And realize, she's still there, but mother has taken over
The adult is back and that's where she belongs

So the question isn't who am I?
The question is, who was I able to fully let out
and give control to while I was in Turkey?
Who was that fearless, childlike dancer?
I think my Turkish love gave me a clue
The way he spelled my name held the answer
Melike. The emperor's wife.
Makelle. The name with a Turkish meaning
That's who I was in Turkey
But that's not who I am now.
I am the warrior, the fighter, the academic
I am no longer a child.
And I am no longer a lover.

Bad Ending

Sometimes things have to end badly
Sometimes you can't leave any hope
Sometimes you have to stop yourself
From reaching out, and let the ball drop

Sometimes it's better to let him be mad
Cause that means you're finally through
And you can move away, and you can move on,
Finally do what you were meant to do

He's mad and steaming but you're justified
Cause you know he's been misinformed
If you apologized, you could set him right
But this is better for him and for you

And hearing his cries and curses and pain
Yeah, it cuts you right where it hurts
To see the man you thought you had loved
Turning cold, reaching out, and reverse

But he's had it with the back and forth
He finally sees the losing game
Covers up pain with rage, stuck in his cage
You turn away, can't watch anymore

But every one of us goes through this
Though he feels it stronger than most
And you know he'll emerge with time's healing
Unchanged for the better or worse

I thought he was the one that would change me
I thought he was the one I could choose
But he wanted control and wouldn't let go
And I pushed and pulled and strained for a break
I needed my time and I needed my space
And the games we played, only temporary I knew
Cause I thought, I'd come back, like I'd always come back

But he took it too far and he said no more games
And he didn't trust me enough to take care of his pain
The doctor, the sociopath, who just wanted one more
Jealousy sent him in a spin, running for the door

And then I let him go and I let him leave
Cause I knew there was no way he would believe
And when I sat down and thought it all through
I realized I didn't believe it either, so there's nothing to do

The weeks of tearing apart every word that I said
And weeks of jealousy, blame, rage, and respite
I didn't want anymore, didn't care for the taste
Had all I could take and was good for the night

And now the whole thing is over, and that's fine by me
I don't want to see him, or hear him or get him to leave
He can finally move on, and so can I
We've slammed that door shut, fully closed, let it be

Sometimes things have to end badly
Sometimes people don't give you any hope
And sometimes you accept it as part of life
Move on, looking past, and find the growth

Military ID

I just had the WORST picture of my life. I thought that my passport picture was the worst, or maybe the half-asleep, jet lagged, shell shocked picture that was taken at the Mongolian immigration office after a 24 hour journey from Provo, UT was the worst, but at least in those pictures I had my hair down and I tried to fake a closed-lip smile. This one was all dead eyes, pasty skin, and tight bun. It's hideous and I hope no one I know will EVER see it.
I'm so mad too, cause it was an important picture! It was for my CAC card and I was really excited to get it because military ID is super beneficial! There are so many perks everywhere for active duty military, but I think I'll pass on all of them because holy Hannah, that picture is horrible!
So, now that the awful experience is over, I definitely have some advice for myself and anyone else that goes to take a military ID picture- practice not looking like a zombie in the mirror before you go!!
Now that I think about it, after I had the bad passport picture experience, I practiced for my visa picture, and in that one I look like a babe! So it works, just take five seconds and figure out how to hold your face in a way that makes it look semi-normal before a passport, military ID, or visa picture is taken, because those are important pictures that will be around for a while.
My one condolence is that the ID expires in 2022. That means only 3 more years til I can have another shot and you'd better believe I will be ready for that one.

I'm Done

I am so done!

I'm done with dressing up

And holding my breath

I'm done with trying so hard

Fashioning texts,

Playing your games

Wondering what's next

You're always around the corner

Moving on without telling me

I say the wrong thing

Or so it seems

I don't know what's in your head

And I'm sick of trying to guess

I don't need your approval or your redress

I'm going to love someone who loves me back

Finally move on, off this circular track

Cause I don't need this stupid charade

I have a life, hobbies, and friends

My future is made

I'll love my triathlons

I'll love cooking alone

I'll love med school 

And research, 

And chilling at home

If you want to call me, I'll leave that to you

Because I'm done thinking and fretting

And turning myself blue

You have a million different options

And I don't have to be one

Dating, loving, and chasing

I've had enough, now I'm done.

Funerals

It's a funeral weekend

The family is gathering

The preparations being made

And I'm pulling out my black dress

I should be mourning

I should be feeling sad 

For the man who never had a chance

And suffered for so long

But my head is in a different place

And my heart is breaking for someone else

And there's a question that 

Can't quite leave me alone

Can this really be goodbye? 

Are we really done?

Why the heck did you put me in this spot?

Why did it have to be all or none?

I've spent my life drowning 

in waters of black and white thinking

Now you've done it, you made me choose

and I did what I had to.

But all I want right now

Is for the time to reverse

To the times when I didn't have to think so hard

To the times we just let love run its course

I want to go back to August 

When you said, I didn't have to choose

You hushed my fears, took me as I was

And promised there'd be nothing to lose

I want to go back to September

When you took me camping on a date

I caught my first fish, had our second first kiss

And got home a little too late

I want to go back to October

Everything was happening so fast,

But I trusted you, haunted house and all, :P

Thought this love would be my last

Even in November, 

when the world was open wide

12 weeks til we're clean 

and you promised you'd be, forever by my side

But then came December

I don't want to remember that month

With my doubts, crushed hopes and promises 

Shattered more than once

And January was supposed to be new

Forget what was broken, forget what was said

Make new habits, boundaries, 

and begin again

But that demon fate, put in a word of his own

He made bad seem even worse

All weakness flaunted, sore spots jaunted

Fires lit, left no time for remorse

And the time came for us to take final count

He surrendered the keys for my taking

The emotional charge raised the stakes way too high

And I took those keys, smiling and faking

Then the smile faded and I keep wringing my hands

Trying to see if it all was worth it

I'm thinking in circles, and all around him

Both parties did wrong, we deserve this

We pumped this up

We pressured and pimped

He bought a ring

And I held it all in

He crossed a line

I crossed it back

He saw my secrets

I saw him crack

We both saw each other in a dramatized new

Where anger and fear led us to do

Things we wished we wouldn't 

And say words we thought we couldn't

He manipulated and pushed

I withdrew and crushed

We were selfish, I can say it

We were catty and I hate it

But now the dust has settled

And we're on different sides

I can think a little clearer

And see where truth resides

Hindsight has a funny way of teaching

It makes all things look silly and small

Because when I think back on September

I realize nothing has changed at all

Now my calendar says six weeks 

Til you can marry Kyle cause you're clean

And I wish we could go back to when we had good sense

And see what that could mean

I don't understand

What happens when you get to the point where you just want someone to love? I'm to that point. I want someone to do sweet things to. I want someone I can relax with. I want someone to trust and hold and confide in. I've wanted that my whole life. A best friend. A partner. I want to get married so bad. I love Kyle. Why can't I just marry him?

I don't understand what is so wrong with wanting that.

I know I would be good to him. I know I would be good to our family. It's something I've dreamed about for so long. Before I dreamed of being a doctor or a scientist, or even a teacher, I just wanted to be a mom. Why can't I just have that? He was offering me that.

Why do I have to constantly be pushing for something more and something better. Why do I feel like I'm supposed to be the one to be better than my parents, to be better than the town I grew up in? I love that town. I love my family. They have everything I want, they are everything I want to be, what I've always wanted to be.

But there's that stupid voice inside my head that keeps telling me I can do better, that I should do better. It pushed away Yannick, and it pushed me to medical school and away from pediatrics and into ortho and it pushed me away from Kyle. And you know what? I'm sick of the pushing. I just want someone to love me for who I am now, not who I am supposed to be. I just want to stop and say this is enough, this is as far as I am going to go. Because where does it get me?

Where does that push for prestige, for honor and acclaim, for the perfect house and resume, and body and testimony, for the neighbors and teachers to say "wow, she really made something of herself", where does it all lead me?

It leads me to where I am now and where I always find myself. Alone, and crying in my bed, pretending that I am alright and that this is how I want things to be, because that is what the voice has always told me to say.

And I know the only way out is to stop. To just say it, that I'm done listening. I know that's the only way I'll stop the madness. But I can't. I can't let down all those people. It's just way too late. This is who I am, this is who I've chosen to be. These are the friends I have made, the persona I have projected, and it's too late.

I gave up on Yannick, I gave up on Kyle. I gave up. I gave them up. I looked at them, the two men who loved me more than any in the world, I looked at them and said no, I can do better. And I turned my back on them and I told them to leave, and it's too late and it will always be too late.

Inside Out

Your friends told you to leave

Your mom told you to be strong

But you kept holding on 

To the love you always dreamed of

And never thought you would have

You're a dreamer at heart

Always holding on way too hard

You shouldn't have watched all of the films

or sang along to those songs

Because the song on the radio 

Is now the one in your heart

That stupid movie, the Notebook 

It's consuming all of your thoughts

And you're wishing and wishing

Life would turn out like it does in the movies

But you remember a song telling you 

To lift up your head, 

get a hold on your life

He isn't perfect, and you won't be his wife

And you remember where you heard it

But you know every closed door opens a window

So let go of him sweetie, 

He's not good for you

Let go of him darling

You're worrying enough for two

What you're doing right now 

isn't good for anyone anyway

And when he comes to your room

Like he does in your dreams

Instead of kissing him softly

Get ahold of your strength

Let him know where you stand 

and that you really believe

Life isn't like what you see in the movies

Someday you'll move on

And someday you'll grow

He'll be happy and you'll see

You were right to say no

Because life will be better than what you see in the movies

It hurts in here

It's lonely and it's hot

And it hurts in here

My heart is breaking 

My head is shaking

I'm trying to undo everything I just said

I'm trying to bring the living back from the dead

I have a thousand things to tell him 

And I want him to hear every one.

I love him and I'll love him

For the rest of my life

I love him and I'll love him

One chance, I'll be his wife

I just want you here 

To tell you about my day

I just want you here 

to kiss and hug and play

I want to hear your dumb jokes,

I want to make you dinner

I want you here because without you

Everything seems a little dimmer

I want to wish you happy birthday

I want to get down and a little dirty

Your present was all picked out

So why aren't you here to unwrap it?

And what I'm saying is not poetic

But it's an emotional plea

I can't hold it together, living logically

Because my head isn't working

And my ears aren't hearing

Anything but the Taylor Swift song

Singing I can't live without you, 

I can't live without you, Baby

So come back, please come back

In whatever form you want

Just be part of my life, 

Give me one more chance

Don't leave me in the dark

I can't live without you with this broken heart

Favorite Country Songs--To Be Continued

I can't rank these, and some probably don't belong on this list, but these are my favorite right now

1. God Bless the Broken Road--Rascal Flatts
Definitely the most romantic (and very cliche) song ever. I love it though cause it reminds me that every heartbreak is just one step closer to the person I'll be with forever. Thinking back on all my heartbreaks, that guy I end up with is going to be something really special.

2. In Case You Didn't Know--Brett Young
This is how I feel 99% of the time. For whatever reason, it's just hard to tell people that I care about them. Unrequited love, complicated love, just plain shyness, this is the song that speaks all of the words in my heart. I have definitely sung karaoke to this in my bedroom at 11 o'clock on a Friday night.

3. Highway Don't Care--Tim McGraw
So many of the things I turn to for comfort are just things. They're ideas, ideals, ambitions, but at the end of the day, most of them are empty without someone to share it with. It's easy to run away, to drive fast, find something to give you a high, it's hard to face the person you love and work through the problems. I love the doctor in the music video. That's the way I'll care about the runaways, the people who feel rejected and lost, who only have the highway to turn to. I'll stitch them back up, and maybe they'll learn that people are the most important part of life.

4. What Ifs--Kane Brown
Gosh, this is so true!!!! Everything is a what-if and it's ridiculous! Kane Brown is SO sexy in this song though because he gets that this girl is scared, but he's so dang confident and yeah he's probably afraid too, but he doesn't show it for a second. He takes that fear she has and basically blows it all off cause he's got it covered. He'll take care of it, he'll take care of her and be the strong one. He doesn't flinch once. Ahhh I love it. That's what I want, that's what every girl wants, is to have someone tell you that you don't need to be afraid and show you that they aren't afraid.

5. She's Everything--Brad Paisley

6. You Should Be Here--Cole Swindell

7. This Is It--Scotty McCreery

8. Take It From Me--Jordan Davis

9. We Got It--Granger Smith (music video)

Bury it

Bury your feelings
Bury them
Get them out of my sight
I can't hear you now
I can't see you
You don't exist
I buried you
And you blew me a kiss
I hated you
And you gave me your thanks
Get out of my house
Get out of my head
The monsters of my present and past
Lurking in the cold corners
I said get out.
I see my crisp cut lawn
I see the line of white houses
And fake fantasy of bliss
I see the jail I succumb to
The feelings I have now
Are the ones I've grown to hate
And I've hated myself for
The ruby red blood
My favorite color of pain
The wine I won't drink
The grasp of bright passion
I love the smell of it
I love the thrill of it
It's deep and it cuts
Like a surgeon's straight line
And I shove it down even further
But I want him.

Not Ready

That moment when you look at someone
and realize they're better than you
They're smarter than you
They're sweeter and stronger
and kinder than you.

That moment when you look at someone
and realize you don't deserve them
you're not good enough
for their beauty and charm and wit,
but mostly for their love.

That moment when you love someone
who's too good for you
who's too good to you
and they don't even recognize
the imbalance

That's the moment when you look at someone
and you see two roads,
and you have to decide on the one you will take
and you hate yourself and you're afraid
because neither one is a guaranteed thing

One road is short
It's wide open and easy
You've been down that road many times before
It runs away from the person you love
It's all down hill, to a small pond
Where you are the biggest fish

The other road is a mystery
And that's all there is to it.
It requires trust and time,
It's long, and you don't know
what lies along it, or at the end

And the choice seems easy
And you decide which road you want to take
But you can't see the person you loved
Because they left on that road hours ago
and you still hate yourself for not being ready

But you step onto the path knowing
That what's at the end, or along the way, in the middle
will always be better than a fish pond

The Vow

I remember a vow
I took with a friend
We said no more guys
that couldn't work out in the end

We promised each other
and pinky swore
We committed to sainthood
But hoped for something more

Then we parted ways
And I met my first match
An old spark that shone bright
And wanted to catch

I said no and he reasoned,
I said no and he fled
But my heart was heavy
As I cried in my bed

He was a 4 on the checklist
but perfect 10 in my heart
And despite my best judgement,
I let the fling start

But I was torn all along
Because 4 was not 10
My parents constantly reminded me
of the pact with my friend

And I struggled and failed
dissonance ringing again
When I gave too much of myself
And took too much in return

I found some things never change
Some lessons I never learn,
and I got to the point,
it was time for the burn

It came like a storm
Angry and fast
All things perfect and pretty
Destroyed by the blast

I cut him deep
before he hurt me
But the storm cleared up
I had a moment to see

What I saw was a chance
Things didn't have to be this way
I was the 4 and with help,
could be a 10 someday

I came up with a plan
Finally seeing the light
I was the happiest I had been
And slept soundly that night

I woke up with a smile,
Stretched and checked my phone
My smile turned into grief
When his true feelings were known

8 pages of text,
berating and cold
hateful and hurting
"It's over" in bold

The wound had reopened
Forgiveness turned back to deep pain
I had to fix this and would
I prayed one last chance still remained

I put it all out on the table
realizing what I had and could lose
I begged in my heart his forgiveness,
and left it up to him to choose

Then the clouds cleared and the sun shone
I cried when he chose me
I knew then and there
how much we could be someday

But we weren't done with confessing
and this time, his turn
The words stopped my heart
and made my insides churn

I couldn't look at him, I couldn't breathe
A trust so sacred, was broken
And I ran away, far and fast
While on tears I was choking

And I ran and I cried
ignored his attempt to close the door
Went to school and I sat
Trying to not cry any more

But the anger was there,
betrayal and hurt replaced the sun
the devastating act, stung like a burn
It couldn't be undone.

And I couldn't forgive,
and I can't let go
He didn't know what he did
didn't know the strength of the blow

But I don't want to give him another chance.
I don't want to say it's okay
I can't give him the piece of me
When there's justice to pay

But like death, gone is gone
And the pages won't turn back
The only question is how long
My heart will stay black

Did you know?

Did you know what you were doing?
Did you know the heart you were breaking?
Did you know exactly how deep you were reaching?
To hurt and destroy and defile.

Tell me, honestly,
Did you know what that meant to me?

I hope to God, that you didn't.

Because the only one
who could do something like that,
is someone I'd like to forget

And now the question is whether I can forgive
something that will never be right,
can never be fixed,
never replaced.

you took a memory
you took a year, almost two.
you took my proudest moment,
the hardest move,
indecision, inspiration, and resolution

You took the air force, medical school,
my first triathlon, and a broken engagement
you took the raw emotion and first person moment
out of all of them.
you took those and you burned them.
you took those and threw them out.

The memory of a lost love,
criticism and indecision of a new
the realization of weakness,
the bad habits and the chance for reflection of growth.
you took those, and I will never have them back.

And what did you leave me?
nothing.

you left me looking over my shoulder
you left me afraid to forget
you left me at the edge of the biggest decision I thought I was making
when at the very moment I had offered you my heart
you revealed what you had done
and both of us saw who the other was

I didn't ask for anything.
And neither did you, but you took them
And, those were mine.

You didn't ask. You didn't ask me if those moments meant anything
You didn't ask if I would share those with you. You didn't ask if you could take that book.
And now it is gone, and you will never ask.

And what else did you take?
You took the freedom I felt when I wrote.
Now every word, is calculated for the day when maybe you'll look again
and maybe you'll take it again, and burn part of me.