I don't understand

What happens when you get to the point where you just want someone to love? I'm to that point. I want someone to do sweet things to. I want someone I can relax with. I want someone to trust and hold and confide in. I've wanted that my whole life. A best friend. A partner. I want to get married so bad. I love Kyle. Why can't I just marry him?

I don't understand what is so wrong with wanting that.

I know I would be good to him. I know I would be good to our family. It's something I've dreamed about for so long. Before I dreamed of being a doctor or a scientist, or even a teacher, I just wanted to be a mom. Why can't I just have that? He was offering me that.

Why do I have to constantly be pushing for something more and something better. Why do I feel like I'm supposed to be the one to be better than my parents, to be better than the town I grew up in? I love that town. I love my family. They have everything I want, they are everything I want to be, what I've always wanted to be.

But there's that stupid voice inside my head that keeps telling me I can do better, that I should do better. It pushed away Yannick, and it pushed me to medical school and away from pediatrics and into ortho and it pushed me away from Kyle. And you know what? I'm sick of the pushing. I just want someone to love me for who I am now, not who I am supposed to be. I just want to stop and say this is enough, this is as far as I am going to go. Because where does it get me?

Where does that push for prestige, for honor and acclaim, for the perfect house and resume, and body and testimony, for the neighbors and teachers to say "wow, she really made something of herself", where does it all lead me?

It leads me to where I am now and where I always find myself. Alone, and crying in my bed, pretending that I am alright and that this is how I want things to be, because that is what the voice has always told me to say.

And I know the only way out is to stop. To just say it, that I'm done listening. I know that's the only way I'll stop the madness. But I can't. I can't let down all those people. It's just way too late. This is who I am, this is who I've chosen to be. These are the friends I have made, the persona I have projected, and it's too late.

I gave up on Yannick, I gave up on Kyle. I gave up. I gave them up. I looked at them, the two men who loved me more than any in the world, I looked at them and said no, I can do better. And I turned my back on them and I told them to leave, and it's too late and it will always be too late.