COT

Oh I'm the worst. I broke my promise to y'all and I did a rant post instead of a COT post. Sometimes I have so much poison in my soul, it has to give though. This morning I finally dumped out the box of crumpled journal pages Kyle left me with and just looked at them and read them and looked at them and I didn't cry. I didn't let the sadness wash over, because that feeling is too pure to be wasted on Kyle. Too akin to love. And so I let it turn the opposite way.
But I don't hate him. I don't hate anyone. I was angry and I see terrible injustice in what happened, but if that year of memories is the price I must pay to have Kyle out of my life, then so be it. My life is too blessed and my family and God and the world's beauty and the love I experienced once upon a time are all too good to have a heart full of hate.
So here goes the COT post:

Lessons I learned at COT:
1) Leadership: Leadership is sometimes just that, leading a group of peers through something. It doesn't mean you have to be the best or even know what you're doing before you start. It requires communication, it requires learning what your mission objective and rules of engagement are, it requires delegation, assessment of group and individual strengths, setting of goals, responsibility to higher ups, taking accountability from members of the team when they screw up, and basically just being there every time you work as a team. You have to be the focal point of communication, and you have to lead as best as you know how to, being confident that anyone could lead, but you are the one with the assignment that day. It's a mix of humility and a let's just get this done already mentality.
I can be a leader by showing up, speaking up, and volunteering immediately. The most important action a leader can take is to have a service before self attitude and volunteer to do the jobs people don't want but will serve the most people on the team. That's how you gain status, responsibility, credibility and respect. You'll earn loyalty and favors and become one of the group. Lead in your own way, according to your own personality. But always volunteer.

2) Military bearing: I got yelled at the first day of COT for smiling. I quit smiling but kept a cheery attitude. I fixed my face into a relaxed and friendly straight line. The next day I got singled out in line and yelled at repeatedly by 'the bulldog' for smiling even though my face was no where near a smile. That's when embarrassed and frustrated I let my pride and anger take over and I fixed my face into a dead-eyes, don't f with me scowl. If they didn't want my good mood, and polite expression simply put on for the sake of others' comfort, then I sure as heck was done granting favors. I made my face a stone and impassive wall remembering my anger from that one moment and not granting any good graces to anyone. When the major came by and screamed in her shrill, cantankerous southern accent about how we were a joke and disgrace to the Air Force, when the Sgt Covert gave repeated 341s which led to the dismissal of the chaplain standing next to me, when the bulldog passed by roaring out demands, I didn't give them the flutter of an eyelash. Open ranks inspection came and the MTI inspecting me made jokes and tried to distract me, but by then my military bearing was locked in and it felt good to have a wall that let me keep my privacy of thought and emotion to myself, away from the enemy. I didn't realize how open my facial expressions made me. When getting feedback, criticism, or unjust accusations in the future, I have my military bearing in my back pocket ready to go. It might not look like that dead-eye scowl I first adopted, but it is just as impassive.

3) Integrity first, and discipline.
Marching is the worst. Waking up at 4:30 is the worst. Cupping your hands, squaring corners, keeping silent in the halls and bathroom, staying still at attention, and not falling asleep in class or the auditorium during COT, it's just the worst. But I learned that after getting used to it, it feels good to will away an itch and stay still, swallow the funny remark, and maintain the appearance of an officer even when no one is around. It gives you a sense of pride to know that you're stronger than the urge to be lazy and relaxed. It feels good to know you have discipline even when no one is there to enforce it.

4) Teamwork
    a. Looking for strengths in others
    b. Giving feedback
    c. Friendship/roommates

To be continued