Child

I am so confused.
Who the heck am I?
I went to Turkey and I felt free!
I felt like I could finally be myself
From the plan to the execution
Every step
The colors and flowers
Shops and beaches
The patterns and tiles
Mystical religion and history
The countryside farms
And customs and food
It all felt like I fit there
It felt too good to be true
But I wanted it all
Even the dark side
I wanted to know everything
And speak and look and act like
I had found my home
But mostly, I thought the adventure
Had shown me who I truly was

Then I got home
And the contrast was stark
Everyone was still treading in gray
And my energized, everlasting vista
Suddenly became a thing of the past
Until I questioned if it had been real
But my fantasy, threw me a life line
And let me stay tethered
to my Turkish dream
I tried to keep it up
learning words, phrases, politics
But there's a lot I have to learn
And there were two weeks I had to repay
And I remembered the horror I had fled
And the prison of my life
I wondered how I had survived in this
I questioned if I would again

but by 5 days past, I've turned full circle
And now I'm looking back
I'm questioning why I ever left
I'm wondering who I thought I was
Because the me I need is frugal and safe
I don't leave things undone or work unchecked
And I map my goals and slowly proceed
But my future looks slippery
And it's stressing me out
I'm starting to regret what I did in a rush
I don't know what I was thinking,
Going to Turkey?
I don't know who in the world I thought I was
Cause I see that it's ridiculous
I was living in dreams
Reality is back and I'm regretting my leave

But I look to the past at my book
And see the joy and love I felt
My heart was alive and my walls down for a rest
How could I regret something so precious?
How could I regret feeling like a different person?
And I'm asking, who is that person?
We liked her, all the voices in my head agree
But she would never make it in this world
This world of competition and deadlines
and money and rush
of stigma and judging
and never ending work
She would die and fail and be trampled upon
So we keep her hidden and safe
In Turkish dreams
The cinderella of my life
The window of my soul
The smile of my heart
We'll put away that carefree child
And realize, she's still there, but mother has taken over
The adult is back and that's where she belongs

So the question isn't who am I?
The question is, who was I able to fully let out
and give control to while I was in Turkey?
Who was that fearless, childlike dancer?
I think my Turkish love gave me a clue
The way he spelled my name held the answer
Melike. The emperor's wife.
Makelle. The name with a Turkish meaning
That's who I was in Turkey
But that's not who I am now.
I am the warrior, the fighter, the academic
I am no longer a child.
And I am no longer a lover.