A new adventure

It looks like all of my posts are about Yannick. This blog is about my life, whatever I feel like writing, so since he was the love of my life, I guess it makes sense. But, it has been more than 6 months now since I have talked to him, 8 months since I have seen him, and 10 weeks since I learned of his death. I still miss him just like I have ever since I let him leave, but I am not standing still. I am moving to Mongolia. Yes, Mongolia. The country that is between Russia and China. I'm going for 18 months to teach English and to invite others to come unto Christ by helping them learn about the restored gospel. I leave on December 17, exactly one year after I broke up with Yannick the first time. I'm going to be a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Life is not how you expect it to be. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a teacher or an actress, but most of all I wanted to be a mom, get married right out of high school and have ten kids. Then as I got older I realized I wanted to go to college and have a career, and still a family. I never wanted to serve a mission, that didn't fit in with the plans I had at all. When I was about to turn 19 I decided that I should go on a mission, partly because that's what all of my friends were doing at the time. My heart wasn't in it though, and I didn't ever turn in my papers. Because of my indecision in those months, I gave up my scholarship to the dream school I was attending and had no choice but to go to school at the mediocre college in my hometown. It was there that I met Yannick and fell in love and learned more about myself and my values than from any other experience in my life.

I'm still at that mediocre college and I won't lie, I miss my big university life. If life had gone as expected, I would be getting ready to graduate in a year with a biology degree, I'd be working in a research lab and be getting ready to apply for grad schools.
But instead, I'm at a humble school, and I am grateful for it. Being here has changed the course of my life. I'm switching my major and my entire life plan from Biology to something else, because it turns out, I don't want to live my life in a research lab. I'm about to go on a mission to serve and teach people. I'm going to a place I would never have dreamed I'd see, to meet people that I will have one chance to help. Through being here I've come to a point in life where my mantra has become, "You don't have to be happy right now, you just have to do what is right."

It's been a rough road to this point, and at times I think of what my life would have been like if I had never come home. It might have been a little less painful, but I would have never met Yannick, I would never have gone to do research in Iowa where I met many wonderful friends, and I would not be at the point in my life where I am excited to go to a foreign place to teach God's word. Even though I'm not an actress, teacher, mom or biologist, I wouldn't go back one minute. I am grateful for the experiences I've had and I'm grateful to God and all the people that have come into my life in the past 18 months. I've changed, I've grown up a bit, and I like the person I'm becoming.

I think I'm having boy trouble. But I don't know if that's what this is...

The Problem:

The guy I worked with wants to date me. I like him and everything, but I still miss Yannick and I'm going on a mission in three weeks, so I don't really want any distractions.

The Details:

He's cute. The first time I saw him I felt a little spark of attraction just in the looks department, but then I got to know him and my interest kind of wavered cause he's a bit quirky, but then built up again because he's a fun and nice guy.

He knew Yannick. They were friends in high school. Of course they would be. I don't know if this makes it better or worse. He reminds me of Yannick in some ways, same temperment, some personality similarities. I can see why they were friends, but at the same time, he's nothing like Yannick in beliefs and life experience.

He's not a member of my church. Of course not, they never are. Again this is different though, because unlike Yannick, he was a member of my church until he moved away from home. I'm not sure if this makes it a better or worse situation.

I had a crush on him and I liked working with him. We worked pretty well together. I was his assistant and I think he liked having me there to assist him, massaged his ego a bit. In my case, I had to throw a bit of my pride out the window to be assisting someone, but he was always nice about it, and my loyalty to the company and him made me do a good job. It's true you end up caring about the people you serve.

I don't feel like he and I are on the same page with what a relationship means. Every time I want to hang out with him, it seems like he's busy. It feels like I'm always waiting for him to ask me out, for him to text me, for him to suggest something. It feels like I'm always waiting and begging him to hang out, and I do not like that. He is simply not worth it to keep putting myself out there, but I keep doing it just because I think he'd want to hang out. I should not be chasing him.

Yannick always put me first, and I put him first. We'd skip classes, ditch friends, stay up late, wake up early, drive all the way back to school to say hi for only five minutes. If something was really important that we couldn't miss, we would tell each other that we wanted to be with them but we had to be responsible and keep the rest of our lives going too and we'd both understand. There was always that communication factor, that reminder that we were special to each other, worth the sacrifice, worth the wait. That isn't there with the guy at work. I don't feel important to him, unless it's convenient.

I know a lot of this short list mentions Yannick. I can't help it. That's another big point on my list of details. I miss Yannick. I love Yannick. I want to be with someone that makes me feel like that again, and this guy doesn't do that for me. I like him, I enjoy spending time with him, but there is a huge thing missing. I kissed him and there was no spark. I felt like a cold shell of a human just going through the motions. And not only that, after some time of searching after Yannick's death, I have found what actually makes me feel fulfilled, and that is my mission. And being with this guy, dating him, it doesn't add to that mission plan. He takes away from it.

I don't care about being happy right now, because knowing Yannick is dead still holds sadness for me. Right now I just care about being fulfilled, having my sense of purpose. When I put my purpose first in my life I feel like I'm healing, and dating this guy would feel fake, it would feel like I'm faking my happiness, pretending my mission and my church isn't the most important thing to me. I would be lying and by dating him.

Even with this knowledge of myself, it's hard telling a good friend that I don't want to date him. I want to spend time with him, because I care about him, I want him to be happy and I  like having a friend to have fun with. But I know that dating him would be a lie, and would be beneath what I deserve.

I am strong, beautiful, talented, and I am worth it, and I won't believe anyone who tells me otherwise.

Thanksgiving Happiness :)

Happy Thanksgiving yesterday! Haha :) I love late holiday wishes. Okay, the grateful list is cliche, but I'm going to go for it anyways cause it's a good cliche. 

10 Things (Or multiple things that are similarly related) That I'm grateful for-in no particular order:

1. That my knee is not hurting today(I screwed it up somehow)

2. That I'm going on a mission in less than 3 weeks

3. The chance to go to Mongolia

4. Family (OF COURSE)

5. The new moisturizer I found (okay I borrowed/stole it from my sister) which works super well! 

6. Scientists and Engineers: past, present, and future

7. My living, loving Father in Heaven, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost

8. God's restored church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

9. Flowers, red rocks, blue sky 

10. The people I've met who have helped me grow into the person I am today.

Ten things on a grateful list is not nearly enough, but for time's sake that's all I'm doing tonight! HAPPY THANKSGIVING! P.S. I ate a lot of food yesterday, as always. It was an excellent holiday note to leave on.

I'm publishing all of my old posts about Yannick

Here's an old post I wrote but didn't publish. It's from August after I came home to go to school, but before I found out Yannick had died.
8/15/14
A few months ago, I was in love with the man of my dreams! He was everything I wanted in a man, handsome and masculine, smart, ambitious, and hard working, he had values and self discipline, he made me laugh, was sexy as anything, and he absolutely adored me. Even though it's been a while since we broke up, I still believe he had everything I wanted. Well, except for one thing which I discovered meant everything to me. My religion. That was the deal breaker and the reason I'm not married now and living in Seattle with him.
Through a very difficult few months I had it cemented into my heart that I want to marry a guy that loves God and will help me love God more every day. Because without that important piece to a relationship, nothing else matters. He was my dream guy, but even that wasn't enough, because without a relationship with God, he wasn't the man I could spend eternity with.
It broke my heart to say goodbye to this man, but I've finally recovered. I know that someone will come along and have everything that this guy did, but he'll be a strong member of the church.
So, after my adventure in Iowa, working in a genetics and biochemistry lab, I came home to Utah and I'll admit, the first thing I thought of when I drove into town, was him. I didn't mean to, but when we drove down the road he and I had walked so many times, I immediately saw him standing there in his green v-neck, books under his arm, with that same grin he always had for me.
It's been rough returning to the town where he haunts my days.

What do I need?

Oh life hurts so bad sometimes. I miss him. I read a story by one of his ex girlfriends about him, she had pictures of them kissing and just laying around. Yannick and I didn't take a single picture of us. Not one. I could cry for a year because of that. He and I are the only ones that know what we meant to each other. I want someone to know. I need to know it was real, that he was real. I am so jealous. Everyone will think that H---- was the only girl that loved him, that he loved. I want him to still be mine. I couldn't have him in life, can't I have him in death? Oh this is so pointless anyways. I read his book, Atlas Shrugged. It makes me hurt inside too. Everything that reminds me of him just hurts so so so badly. I read that book and I love it. It's him. I have to face reality because of that. That was the main axiom of the book. Reading it I have so much regret. If I had read it when he was alive I could have told him that we believe the same thing. I could have helped him understand why I believe the way I do, and the way he does. He was not atheist for the reasons I thought he was. He just was against the world's form of a God that destroys justice. I want him to be here, I wish he was here so I could tell him, I wish I had read that book before August. Oh it hurts just how much I wish that and know that no matter what I do, it's impossible to go back. We loved each other. It was real, he is real. Everything just hurts. 10/20/14

Meeting Yannick

This is him.

This is the love of my life. Yannick Chauncey Periou, the handsomest, smartest, sexiest man I had ever met. His life ended tragically this year in August. This is a picture of him while we were dating, he's holding his darling niece. The other one is right after we had broken up for a little while in December, he was at his step-brother's wedding. Sadly, that's not me with him in the picture, but since I turned down his invitation for the new year's party after we broke up, I can't be too jealous.
Yannick and I spent more time together than I ever did with anyone outside my family. He and I went on so many adventures I couldn't ever write them all down.
We met in math class, Linear Algebra. I was taking it because I was bored and wanted a challenge, he was taking it because he was going to be a mechanical engineer.
I joined the class late, but  the first day I was there I sat down right next to him and asked what I had missed. The first thing I noticed about him was his good looks, his dark hair and green eyes.  In the next couple of classes I made casual conversation, I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, I just wanted to be friendly and he looked like a smart and nice guy. Talking to him made me a little excited for some reason, he was just one of those quiet but brilliant guys that get overlooked sometimes.
Within a week, I was still a little behind in class, I didn't understand how to do the homework and it took me hours to figure it out every day. After class as he and I walked out the door, I asked if he would ever want to study together. He said yes and asked for my number, as we were exchanging contact information I finally asked him what his name was, it was Yannick.
I'll admit I fretted a little over texting him, I didn't want to appear too eager or needy or anything, I wanted to come off as cool, collected and smart, but I felt anything but that. We arranged a time to meet and study. We met at the library, he told me to meet on the mezzanine. I had no idea what a mezzanine was. That was our  first inside joke, there was just something about us and the mezzanine after that. He loved to tease me, and I loved to be teased and tease back. But we didn't start off so comfortably. That first study session in the mezzanine, I couldn't concentrate at all on the math. I must have looked so dumb, because I just went along with whatever he was saying, but even with my slow processing skills, he and I finished in around an hour, which was two hours less than it would have taken me to do it on my own.
Even though I was unsure of how our studying would work, since I apparently was too nervous or excited or something when I was around him to think properly, we decided to study together again. This time was a little better, but I still felt like a bumbling idiot. The next time, we met on the third floor. This was when I began to fall in love.
I had Googled his name, I mean, how many guys are named Yannick? It was the French version of John. I asked him about that later, if he was French or just his name. He was French. His father was born in France and he had been there to visit him before his father had passed away. I was a total Franco-phile at that time. Over the summer my sister and I had read all about French fashion, food, and parenting. When I heard Yannick had been to France I asked him all about it. We had finished doing Linear Algebra homework and just sat up on the third floor and talked. He drew a map of France on the back of my notebook and told me about the wonders of Europe. He hadn't been to Germany though, that was one of the countries he still needed to visit. I wanted to visit there too and I told him I was going to beat him there to Germany, we were competitive and silly and both of us insisted we would be the first one to get to Germany, which turned out to be another long lasting conversation topic.
With the topic of being French I asked him if he was Catholic. My grandpa was from France and he was Catholic, so I figured it was a safe guess. I had been thinking about if Yannick was a member of the LDS church like I was, I had been hoping he was actually, but I had the strong impression that he wasn't. He had already told me he was 25, and that he was in school now because he had been in the army. Typical Mormon guys don't join the army, they go on missions at that age and most were married by 25. To my surprise he told me he wasn't Catholic. My hope built again, and I asked what religion he was. He told me, Atheist. That answer changed everything.
That night Yannick and I stayed at the library talking until it was around 7pm, a good 3 hours straight after studying. When I got home, my parents wondered what had taken so long, I told them about how interesting Yannick was, a French atheist, like no one I had met before.
After studying for the fourth time, we went on our first date. We had finished studying together and he asked if I wanted to get some food. We went to his favorite restaurant, Durangos, a Mexican restaurant I had heard about but never had been to. The food was delicious, it's now my favorite place for eating Mexican. I felt a little nervous because he paid, but I didn't know if he was just being nice or if this was a date. I couldn't think of what to talk about, and I blurted out such an awkward question. I asked how his dad died. Yannick said he'd rather not talk about it then, but maybe he'd tell me someday. I felt so bad for asking, but he smoothed things over by talking about other things. He told me how he had ended up at our school, from joining the Army to becoming engaged to a girl that he eventually broke the engagement off with. Also, that he was planning on transferring to another school, maybe in Texas, or Washington. He and I both loved the rain and we talked about how nice it would be to live in Seattle. My dream school was always the University of Washington, and Yannick was born close to Seattle, so he knew how nice it was there.
After the food, I went to work and had some time to think by myself about things. I knew I was in big trouble. I had a huge, overwhelming, heart-throbbing crush on Yannick, who I could barely have a normal conversation with and who was Atheist. It was huge, and I knew it would cause trouble. I began right then and there trying and telling myself to stop liking him so much. It was a miserably failed effort.
Our next study session was right before our first test. I needed a notecard to put the allowed equations on for the test. I didn't have one, so Yannick went home and brought me some from his house. I repaid him for the notecards and the Durangos meal by taking him out to dinner. We went to an Asian, fast/casual place. I was feeling more comfortable with him by now and I was starting to really enjoy talking to him.
That night I found out he loved to run, and he was good at it. He ran 8 miles like it was nothing. We talked about books, he loved to read, an essential part of him I found out that night was his favorite book, Atlas Shrugged. That was the book he said changed his life and helped him shape the outline for his life ethics, morals, and philosophy. By this time I was thinking this guy couldn't be real. He was drop-dead gorgeous in a down to earth, completely masculine, boy-next-door way, he had ambition and work ethic, he wanted to be an engineer, he was as intelligent as me, and smarter, he had traveled, he was French, he spoke Mandarin Chinese, he loved the rain, he was from Seattle, loved to run and take care of himself, loved to read, and had thought about big questions and had a high moral code for himself. I didn't know how I had found the perfect guy, or that I was so lucky as to be out with him on a date, it seemed surreal.
We left the restaurant, it was raining and I was driving. When we got back to the school he had to get my book out from his car, so we both got in there and just sat and talked again. It was getting late, and I needed to get home, but I told him exactly what was on my mind, that it was crazy cause we had already spent 6 or 7 hours together but for some reason I still didn't want to leave. He told me it was crazy that he felt exactly that same way. The conversation turned to something else, the rain pattered on the windshield and we both were close enough that when he looked at me in that perfect way of his, everything stopped for a single long moment and he kissed me. The kiss surprised us both. It's always a bit of a shot in the dark for a first kiss, we  were both engaged and intrigued by each other, but neither of us expected that kiss to be what it was. Electric. There was something about it, something that drew me in to this near stranger, something deeper, we just fit and it felt good. He felt it too. The look he gave me after wasn't shock, it was a bemused expression, like he was wondering why I didn't tell him before what I was.
The next day was the test, which we took around the same time. He finished before me and I came out feeling that I had surely failed it. I had thought about our kiss, and I didn't want to expect anything from him. I figured maybe he was just one of those guys that don't take a kiss to mean much. I would have been happy with that, I didn't want my fairy tale kiss to be complicated, it was perfect and if we left it at that I would be fine. But, when I left the testing center, he was still outside, he had waited for me, to ask me about the test and reassure me I hadn't failed. And then he kissed me again. I knew for sure, this wasn't going to be just a kiss.

Dead

He's gone.
We looked at apartments in Seattle together.
He asked me a million times to be his wife.
Asked me to run away to Paris with him.
Neither of us wanted a big wedding anyway.

But now he's gone.

Dead.
Cold, hard, dead.
Never tickling me or kissing me or untying my hair.
They found his body on the side of the road.
Up there in Washington, alone.
Because I said no.
I don't know how he died, no one does.
He was found in the forest.
In a place he would have wanted to hike.
I'll never see his smile again.
I'll never hold his hand again.
All of those thoughts I had of him when I came home,
finally spilled over and I sent him a message.
Then another message,
and another.
I told him sorry I wasn't being as mature as he,
but I couldn't just let him go so easily.
He never replied.
Because he was gone.

And you know why I let him go?
Because of my faith
Because of my family
Because of forever.
I wanted him forever,
This life wasn't enough,
but now we don't even have that.
And we never will.
We don't have this life,
We don't have eternity.
He is GONE!! And he's never coming back!!!

I get so mad I could spit
It's so unfair,
I want to die myself
But that won't change anything
I'll still be waiting for him to choose on the other side.
I'll marry someone else.
I'll forget about my fantasy man
But I want him to be happy
Even though he still makes me so mad,
I just want him to be happy

I want him to choose God
then I want him to choose me

I prayed for him,
I dreamed about him,
I wrote about him
and cried about him.

And now I cry about him again.
This time tears of anger and shock and loss
and dark dark sadness.
A monster inside of me
Locked jaw, I'm so cold,
I can't let him go, I don't know what I'll have left
I don't have any tears left.
Three hours of rain and I'm all dried up.

I'll never have him.
He's gone.

DTR Scale

DTR=Define The Relationship

When you have a DTR, you and your potential boyfriend/girlfriend talk about what stage the relationship is in, and where it's going. These obviously can be a little awkward, disappointing, or in the best situations, exciting and romantic conversations. Well, I don't really have much experience with this myself, but I came up with a scale anyway to help people "define the relationship" just because I like psychology and numbers, and putting them together is even better. So, here goes. :)

1. Interested as a person- no relationship

2. Just friends/acquaintances

3. Close friends

4. Close friends with dating interest

5. Interested

6. Singular interest

7. Want to be boyfriend/girlfriend

8. Want to write a song about them

9. Want to have a future together

10. Want to marry

As the scale goes up, the commitment and interest level goes up as well. To avoid awkward situations it is best that you are never more than two steps ahead of your partner in either acting on or desiring a higher relationship level. These steps usually progress from 1-10 as time progresses, and I personally think a healthy relationship should go through every step before moving up the scale, even just for a short amount of time. For example, when dating I wouldn't want to date someone I had just met that already seemed like they had a level 5 interest in me, when I was still at level 1 or 2. 

If you gauge that your interest in a person, or your desire for a relationship is of a higher level than theirs, then SLOW DOWN. Focus on the previous steps, make sure the interest you have in that person has progressed through every level. If they still aren't at the same level as you, it's time to evaluate if this person just needs time to catch up or if this relationship is better to let die. You deserve someone that will be at the same interest level with you.

Fearful Rambling

I'm afraid of two things right now. Okay, that's a complete lie, I'm afraid of a lot of things, but we'll go with it for now, cause I'm thinking of two things I'm afraid of. #1- I'm afraid that I'm just wasting my life, chasing my tail. What if all of this chemistry and biology and physics that I'm learning isn't what life is all about? I'm spending hundreds even thousands of hours studying ways to describe nature and life, and what if by doing that I'm missing the big picture? What if I get ten or twenty years down the road, after a few degrees, a few more jobs and prestigious internships, and I haven't grown as a person at all? What if I'm just the same person, but I just know a lot of cool things about life around me? And even worse, what if I haven't left anything behind? If I just keep taking from the world, accumulating facts and I haven't contributed at all? I don't want to be a sponge, I want to give back, I want to create something. I'm vain I know, but I want a part of me to be out there in the big world, so I will have left something, proved my existence, prove my development. I can't keep waiting and accumulating knowledge and stay secluded in my room studying, or walk through campus with my mind still captured up in equations, theories, and models, but not see any of my classmates around me. That brings me to my second fear.
I'm afraid I'm losing touch with everyone around me. A year ago I was very social. It was part of my personality, admittedly I was a little people pleasing, but I was very analytic of situations and psychology. People were a game to me, and I was in it to win. I would evaluate a situation, make some quick judgments of personality and zero in on my future target. This is how I made friends, collected boyfriends, found the best study partners, and got my thrill. I experienced a sensational buzz of adrenaline every time I was right in my predictions of people or even better, every time they surprised me. That was so much of who I was, and now it's not. I've completely extricated myself from that part of me. Now I just go to class, church, work and treat people as they are to be treated, as people, not experimental subjects. But by taking that inquisitive, experimental aspect out of relationships, I have no motivation to pursue them. There is no excitement when I just accept people as they are at face value, wanting nothing more, trying to give nothing. Relationships have become meaningless, needless, and stagnant for me. The only experiments I do now are in the lab, which is probably why I have whole-heartedly leapt into my classes and studies.
But now, I just don't know what to do. If I remain with this view of relationships, all of mine will be doomed to fail. There will be no excitement or motivation. If I go back to my old way I am essentially using people. I know it's a messed up view of relationships and I don't know which way to go.
For now I know I want to create, to find meaning in life, and have good relationships. I'm slightly confused at how to go about doing that in the best way for me, but I am a scientist, a Christian, and I am confident I will find a way! Acknowledging fears, problems, and personal flaws is something I'm not afraid of doing because that leads to solutions, increased faith, and eventually strengths! And of course, I'll keep you posted on what changes I make in my life. :) 9/10/14

What I learned in Iowa

Hello world! For the first time in my life I'm writing this post using a tablet! Yeah I'm super far behind in technology, I have a sweet little flip phone and I got my first iPod like four months ago and it was a cute little shuffle that held like 300 songs, and I loved it! I say that in past tense because I took it running too many times and I think the sweat killed it cause it doesn't work anymore! Oh and speaking of that, my laptop is super broken right now too! Hence the tablet I'm writing with. Anyways I feel pretty cool. But that's not what this post is about! Sorry I'll get on with the story. This is a follow up on my Iowa adventure!

Iowa!!!!

I lived in Iowa over the summer, a little over ten weeks. I was in Iowa City, Iowa at the University of Iowa. Yeah that's a lot of Iowa's, I know! So, my first impression of Iowa was that everything was so spread out! I flew into Des Moines with my dad and it was not a tall city at all, it was super wide though. That city goes on forever! Also, no mountains anywhere! :( Dad and I drove a couple hours out to Iowa City where I was going to be staying. We passed through corn fields with little two-inch tall corn stalks and I was just super excited and optimistic about the whole thing. Dad on the other hand was just going on about how no one in Iowa knew how to drive. :)
Dad and I spent the weekend getting lost in Iowa and eastern Illinois and buying me an awesome bike from a med student who had just graduated. We also went to church together at my singles branch and then Dad left me on my own in the great corn field state.

I could go on and on about my time in Iowa, and I probably will in later posts, but for now I'll just write out the most important things living in Iowa taught me.

Lessons I learned in Iowa

1. Drosophila melanogasters are happy and friendly little flies who only live to eat and have sex. 
2. The Beatles really are that great
3. Pie makes everything better
4. The smell of coffee will forever remind me of my ex-boyfriend, even when it is an eccentric and indecisive best friend/lab partner drinking it
5. Just because your first Western blot turns out perfect and amazingly clean does NOT mean you will have another one that even works
6. Humidity feels like a hot, wet hug
7. Hugs should not feel wet. Or even slightly damp.
8. The church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints is the only church on earth that has the complete truth, and it has the best missionaries
9. Putting 18 kids together from all over the U.S. that all love biology is an excellent idea
10. I never want to live in Iowa again

Beauty and Truth

http://tete-tete-tete.com/2009/11/thursday-child-butterfly/

"The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives."

-Albert Einstein

Amen Albert! Curiosity is a good thing, seeing things with a sense of wonderment and awe and not thinking about exploiting it, but at the same time asking why it exists is something children are so good at. As long as we are seeking truth and beauty, we can constantly discover new things, we will never be adults with stern views, because beauty and truth will never fully be understood and can never be exhausted. 

Looking at the world in a pursuit of truth and beauty will never leave someone angry or bitter or bored. Just like  children, you will always be seeing something new and fascinating so there will not be time for bitter resentments. There is beauty and truth in everything. Even though Einstein only lived until he was 75 or so, I think he unlocked the secret to eternal youth. I believe that constantly seeking the beauty and truth in the world will not leave you feeling old, but incredibly young and small.

Old people admire and envy youth because of their creativity and zest for life. In the pursuit of beauty and truth there is so much room for creativity, to study and seek beauty and truth renews creativity and relights the fire of youthful curiosity and passion for life.

I am a Biologist, FO' REAL!

Sooo lately I've been thinking about my future as a biologist. I used to go to a research University and I was in an actual lab doing real research. Yeah it was pretty freakin' sweet. Well, now I'm back in my hometown and I'm going to a nice little university that doesn't have a single Ph.d program to boast of. Sad sad sad. So, will I ever be a real Biologist again? YES! I won't give up on that because even though I'm not in the best position for my career right now, I have plenty of time. I'll get there, and I'll be the coolest Biologist evah! http://www.neuro.utah.edu/labs/williams/Site/People.html

Above is a little link-y if you want to go see the lab I was in. It was a neuroscience lab, so so legit! The link takes you to the People page, I'm in the past lab members section at the very bottom. Look at the research stuff though, it's coolio stuff.

11/4/13

Okay, so I totally wrote that little doo hicky post up there, like 6 months ago and what do you know? I am at the University of Iowa as we speak getting ready to start a research program on Tuesday!!! I don't know what else to say other than, don't give up on your dreams kids! I made it into a summer undergraduate research program and I start in Lori Wallrath's lab this week. Man, am I excited to do some lab work again! Actually, I am excited for this research opportunity for a whole myriad of reasons-

1. I will be out of my small town, in a big(ger) town- I love cities and people and life!

2. I will get to hang out with awesome like-minded, biology interested kids, and we can talk about nerdy stuff that no one else understands quite as well as we need them to.

3. This will look amazing on an application to grad school.

4. I finally get to study EPIGENETICS (My LOVE) 

5. I get to live in a whole new state that I've never been to! (Fits perfectly with my plan of living in various places for a few months at a time)

6. I get paid for doing something I love! :-) (All of my previous work experiences have been slightly awful customer service experiences, so this is no less than a miracle)

So, those are some of the reasons why I am so happy and so excited about life right now. :-) Go Hawkeyes!

Institute Reflection

While in college I have had the amazing opportunity to take religion classes during my regular class schedule at the university I attend. I've taken a total of five different classes for the past two years, and I learned so much more about the Savior, His ministry, and His restored church in all of them. However, I feel I have grown the most spiritually as a result of the most recent institute class I took.

This past semester I took a class that was focused solely on the Savior's Atonement and the options of Repentance and Forgiveness that are made available because of it. Because of the things that I learned in that class about the nature of the Atonement, the scriptures I studied, and personal experiences and trials I've had this semester, I think I've grown more that I have from any other experience.

This opportunity to look at the Atonement on a deeper level helped me realize so many things I had never even thought about before. I've tried to organize my thoughts, in the best way possible in the following paragraphs, but only reading my thoughts won't convey the significance this new perspective has had on my life, a personal study and understanding is crucial.

I learned that the Atonement is individual.

In the class we talked about the Atoning Sacrifice. Christ began suffering for our sins when He was in the Garden of Gethsemane. While there he was tempted with every possible temptation, physical, spiritual, and emotional. He felt every pain and sorrow while he was there. He felt the same heavy heart I experienced when my Grandmother passed away, when I missed my family while I was away at school, He experienced that worry and stress that I felt when I was trying to figure out a way to pay for college. He felt the throbbing of my twisted ankle, the ache after my surgery and the fatigue I felt every day from walking through the snow in my cast. In the garden He physically felt the same rejection, sadness, and heartbreak I have ever experienced in my lowest times.

He suffered all of these things so He would have perfect empathy. In Alma 7:12 reads:

... and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to ^csuccor his people according to their infirmities.

Christ could have asked Heavenly Father to show him how all of those sadness and sicknesses of the world and he could have known in his mind what all of them were like. But, our Savior chose to suffer all of those things physically himself. The same chemical reactions with the same neurotransmitters that occur in my mind to physically manifest sadness to my body were being manifested in His. He literally suffered everything in the way we suffer. And He did this so He would know, and FEEL, exactly what we go through so he could perfectly understand us, and have perfect empathy. 

In the class we talked about the Road to Golgotha and the Cross.

After Christ had paid the price for our sins and had suffered our infirmities, He only had death left to conquer for the Atonement to be complete. So why did he have to travel that road to Golgotha? After leaving the Garden of Gethsemane in His incredibly weakened state, Christ was subjected to hours of scrutiny, judgement, mockery, physical abuse, and betrayal. When the pharisees and soldiers spat upon him and slapped his face, when they whipped him with stripes that would kill any other man, He kept his cool. He continued his journey and responded perfectly in a God-like way to it all.  

I learned how the Atonement pays for our sins, and how Christ's Atonement satisfies justice and mercy.

While in the Garden of Gethsemane, in the same way that He felt all of our sorrows and pains, Christ also was subjected to every temptation any person has ever had. From the temptation a pedophile has to rape a child, or a serial killer has to murder, to the temptation and desperation a heroin addict feels to get his next fix, or the temptation to cheat, lie, steal or commit any other sin, Christ felt them all. He was tempted with every temptation ever known to mankind, and yet our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ did not give into temptation. Not even a "small" sin. He overcame every one and did not give even an inch. And then he felt the pain that those sins cause. He paid the price for the sins he had not stooped to. Justice owed him because He had suffered the punishment for something He didn't deserve. He owned justice and now He could grant mercy on his terms.

That mercy is the only way we can repent now. After sinning we were in debt to justice, but now we are debtors to Christ who paid that price. He has set the terms of repentance and made a way for reconciliation. Because of the Atonement we are not damned, we are not stopped from progressing. 

In this class I learned that is our central purpose for being on Earth; to progress.

As a young and rebellious LDS girl, I was blinded by the rules. 

I saw a massive rule book that I was taught would save me and help me, but I could never see how. Now I know there is a rule book, but they are not arbitrary rules. Those rules are guidelines and following them or disobeying them is a personal choice that will lead us closer or further to becoming like God.

I want to become like God. I want to be in His presence and become like him, because I know that I am His child and I was destined to become like my Father. I already am part god and through Christ's atonement I can repent of my sins, and through His Grace I can improve over time until my nature has changed and I am like Him.

Because Christ experienced all of the temptations I will ever face and he didn't give in, He can show me how to respond to those same temptations in a Godly way. When he walked the road to Golgotha, in the midst of all of those people that hated and rejected Him, He responded to them like the God He was, and He can help me do the same in my life when I encounter hard situations and unpleasant people. Because He knows everyone's sorrows, He knows exactly what we need to help us feel better and overcome those challenges, and by turning to Him we can have those burdens lifted and He can show us how to help lift others' burdens as well. 

The Atonement was made so we can return to God's presence. An Atonement literally means an "At-one-ment" the purpose of the atonement is to bring us back in harmony with God through repentance and also to bring us closer to Him as we try to become better. His Grace is sufficient for all men that will humble themselves. If we turn to God and follow his commandments, if we try to be at one with him and we don't give up when it is hard, his grace will lift us. It will help us progress and do good in ways we won't notice until we look back on how far we've come. Grace is the enabling and strengthening power God gives to help us do good and be righteous.

Life is not meaningless. We are here to become like God. We needed to experience opposition and temptation and sadness so we could learn to deal with those things like a god would. We are here to learn, to progress, to become like our Father. We are not perfect though, so Father made a plan that we could have help, through Christ making an Atonement and showing us the way to become At One with God. I know this is true, as I studied the scriptures, and conference talks and thought about it in my own life, all of this resonated so strongly within me. I believe it with my whole heart and soul. This is truth!  Through the power of Christ's Atonement I can become like God and live with him, like him, forever.

Further Reading/References*
Conference Talks:
http://jesuschrist.lds.org/SonOfGod/eng/his-life-and-teachings/articles/the-atonement-of-jesus-christ
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1991/04/a-crown-of-thorns-a-crown-of-glory?lang=eng
https://www.lds.org/ensign/1977/05/the-mediator?lang=eng
http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=251
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2000/10/the-challenge-to-become?lang=eng

Scripture References
Alma 7
John 17
Bible Dictionary- Grace
Hebrews 4

*Not a very extensive list of references. Will add more in the future

Princess

The princess went to war

Not called, she served for passing thrill

Foes could never match the skill

Of one whose passions led her fight

But every warrior has their end,

Her match, her test, in sunlight came

An opponent never dreamed,

 expectations surely met

The princess took her fall

Sustaining a dagger in her side

The pain unlike any other wound
Her pride, her life, her love of fight
All wilted as a blood red rose
The dagger shown to parents King
Forbidden from the battle ground

Never pulling out she chose to hide

She hid the dagger still in side

The pain reminded her each day

Vulnerability, lost love, and foolish thrill
Until the battle came to her

A night under the stars

The foe returned to her side

Showed him the dagger and returned,

To him that love, her foolish pride