Dead

He's gone.
We looked at apartments in Seattle together.
He asked me a million times to be his wife.
Asked me to run away to Paris with him.
Neither of us wanted a big wedding anyway.

But now he's gone.

Dead.
Cold, hard, dead.
Never tickling me or kissing me or untying my hair.
They found his body on the side of the road.
Up there in Washington, alone.
Because I said no.
I don't know how he died, no one does.
He was found in the forest.
In a place he would have wanted to hike.
I'll never see his smile again.
I'll never hold his hand again.
All of those thoughts I had of him when I came home,
finally spilled over and I sent him a message.
Then another message,
and another.
I told him sorry I wasn't being as mature as he,
but I couldn't just let him go so easily.
He never replied.
Because he was gone.

And you know why I let him go?
Because of my faith
Because of my family
Because of forever.
I wanted him forever,
This life wasn't enough,
but now we don't even have that.
And we never will.
We don't have this life,
We don't have eternity.
He is GONE!! And he's never coming back!!!

I get so mad I could spit
It's so unfair,
I want to die myself
But that won't change anything
I'll still be waiting for him to choose on the other side.
I'll marry someone else.
I'll forget about my fantasy man
But I want him to be happy
Even though he still makes me so mad,
I just want him to be happy

I want him to choose God
then I want him to choose me

I prayed for him,
I dreamed about him,
I wrote about him
and cried about him.

And now I cry about him again.
This time tears of anger and shock and loss
and dark dark sadness.
A monster inside of me
Locked jaw, I'm so cold,
I can't let him go, I don't know what I'll have left
I don't have any tears left.
Three hours of rain and I'm all dried up.

I'll never have him.
He's gone.