I'm afraid of two things right now. Okay, that's a complete lie, I'm afraid of a lot of things, but we'll go with it for now, cause I'm thinking of two things I'm afraid of. #1- I'm afraid that I'm just wasting my life, chasing my tail. What if all of this chemistry and biology and physics that I'm learning isn't what life is all about? I'm spending hundreds even thousands of hours studying ways to describe nature and life, and what if by doing that I'm missing the big picture? What if I get ten or twenty years down the road, after a few degrees, a few more jobs and prestigious internships, and I haven't grown as a person at all? What if I'm just the same person, but I just know a lot of cool things about life around me? And even worse, what if I haven't left anything behind? If I just keep taking from the world, accumulating facts and I haven't contributed at all? I don't want to be a sponge, I want to give back, I want to create something. I'm vain I know, but I want a part of me to be out there in the big world, so I will have left something, proved my existence, prove my development. I can't keep waiting and accumulating knowledge and stay secluded in my room studying, or walk through campus with my mind still captured up in equations, theories, and models, but not see any of my classmates around me. That brings me to my second fear.
I'm afraid I'm losing touch with everyone around me. A year ago I was very social. It was part of my personality, admittedly I was a little people pleasing, but I was very analytic of situations and psychology. People were a game to me, and I was in it to win. I would evaluate a situation, make some quick judgments of personality and zero in on my future target. This is how I made friends, collected boyfriends, found the best study partners, and got my thrill. I experienced a sensational buzz of adrenaline every time I was right in my predictions of people or even better, every time they surprised me. That was so much of who I was, and now it's not. I've completely extricated myself from that part of me. Now I just go to class, church, work and treat people as they are to be treated, as people, not experimental subjects. But by taking that inquisitive, experimental aspect out of relationships, I have no motivation to pursue them. There is no excitement when I just accept people as they are at face value, wanting nothing more, trying to give nothing. Relationships have become meaningless, needless, and stagnant for me. The only experiments I do now are in the lab, which is probably why I have whole-heartedly leapt into my classes and studies.
But now, I just don't know what to do. If I remain with this view of relationships, all of mine will be doomed to fail. There will be no excitement or motivation. If I go back to my old way I am essentially using people. I know it's a messed up view of relationships and I don't know which way to go.
For now I know I want to create, to find meaning in life, and have good relationships. I'm slightly confused at how to go about doing that in the best way for me, but I am a scientist, a Christian, and I am confident I will find a way! Acknowledging fears, problems, and personal flaws is something I'm not afraid of doing because that leads to solutions, increased faith, and eventually strengths! And of course, I'll keep you posted on what changes I make in my life. :) 9/10/14
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