The Problem:
The guy I worked with wants to date me. I like him and everything, but I still miss Yannick and I'm going on a mission in three weeks, so I don't really want any distractions.
The Details:
He's cute. The first time I saw him I felt a little spark of attraction just in the looks department, but then I got to know him and my interest kind of wavered cause he's a bit quirky, but then built up again because he's a fun and nice guy.
He knew Yannick. They were friends in high school. Of course they would be. I don't know if this makes it better or worse. He reminds me of Yannick in some ways, same temperment, some personality similarities. I can see why they were friends, but at the same time, he's nothing like Yannick in beliefs and life experience.
He's not a member of my church. Of course not, they never are. Again this is different though, because unlike Yannick, he was a member of my church until he moved away from home. I'm not sure if this makes it a better or worse situation.
I had a crush on him and I liked working with him. We worked pretty well together. I was his assistant and I think he liked having me there to assist him, massaged his ego a bit. In my case, I had to throw a bit of my pride out the window to be assisting someone, but he was always nice about it, and my loyalty to the company and him made me do a good job. It's true you end up caring about the people you serve.
I don't feel like he and I are on the same page with what a relationship means. Every time I want to hang out with him, it seems like he's busy. It feels like I'm always waiting for him to ask me out, for him to text me, for him to suggest something. It feels like I'm always waiting and begging him to hang out, and I do not like that. He is simply not worth it to keep putting myself out there, but I keep doing it just because I think he'd want to hang out. I should not be chasing him.
Yannick always put me first, and I put him first. We'd skip classes, ditch friends, stay up late, wake up early, drive all the way back to school to say hi for only five minutes. If something was really important that we couldn't miss, we would tell each other that we wanted to be with them but we had to be responsible and keep the rest of our lives going too and we'd both understand. There was always that communication factor, that reminder that we were special to each other, worth the sacrifice, worth the wait. That isn't there with the guy at work. I don't feel important to him, unless it's convenient.
I know a lot of this short list mentions Yannick. I can't help it. That's another big point on my list of details. I miss Yannick. I love Yannick. I want to be with someone that makes me feel like that again, and this guy doesn't do that for me. I like him, I enjoy spending time with him, but there is a huge thing missing. I kissed him and there was no spark. I felt like a cold shell of a human just going through the motions. And not only that, after some time of searching after Yannick's death, I have found what actually makes me feel fulfilled, and that is my mission. And being with this guy, dating him, it doesn't add to that mission plan. He takes away from it.
I don't care about being happy right now, because knowing Yannick is dead still holds sadness for me. Right now I just care about being fulfilled, having my sense of purpose. When I put my purpose first in my life I feel like I'm healing, and dating this guy would feel fake, it would feel like I'm faking my happiness, pretending my mission and my church isn't the most important thing to me. I would be lying and by dating him.
Even with this knowledge of myself, it's hard telling a good friend that I don't want to date him. I want to spend time with him, because I care about him, I want him to be happy and I like having a friend to have fun with. But I know that dating him would be a lie, and would be beneath what I deserve.
I am strong, beautiful, talented, and I am worth it, and I won't believe anyone who tells me otherwise.
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