What do I need?

Oh life hurts so bad sometimes. I miss him. I read a story by one of his ex girlfriends about him, she had pictures of them kissing and just laying around. Yannick and I didn't take a single picture of us. Not one. I could cry for a year because of that. He and I are the only ones that know what we meant to each other. I want someone to know. I need to know it was real, that he was real. I am so jealous. Everyone will think that H---- was the only girl that loved him, that he loved. I want him to still be mine. I couldn't have him in life, can't I have him in death? Oh this is so pointless anyways. I read his book, Atlas Shrugged. It makes me hurt inside too. Everything that reminds me of him just hurts so so so badly. I read that book and I love it. It's him. I have to face reality because of that. That was the main axiom of the book. Reading it I have so much regret. If I had read it when he was alive I could have told him that we believe the same thing. I could have helped him understand why I believe the way I do, and the way he does. He was not atheist for the reasons I thought he was. He just was against the world's form of a God that destroys justice. I want him to be here, I wish he was here so I could tell him, I wish I had read that book before August. Oh it hurts just how much I wish that and know that no matter what I do, it's impossible to go back. We loved each other. It was real, he is real. Everything just hurts. 10/20/14