Fire

The day he died, I died too
Because when the only person
that you are real with
is gone

The only one who knew you
and accepted you
and encouraged you
is dead...

Not just out of your life
but not even existing
how can you be sure,
you exist anymore either?

It's three years,
and I'm a completely
different person but,
I still can't get over it
and I probably
never will.

When I meet someone
boring, I miss him, or
great, and I dream it's him
but mostly, they don't touch me

Guys on every spectrum
like a match
an immature sparkler
when my blazing sun just set

The person I rebuilt
it doesn't know how to love
like the old one did

And I keep making analogies of fire
because that's how it felt.
Fire is the closest thing to life
and I am the closest thing to substance

Matter, impersonating image
I'm being dramatic
It's not that big of deal
being on an equal playing field
as everyone else

Is this what normal life is like?
If it is, I wish I was still special
Does no one feel?
Is there no passion
in this forsaken wilderness of gray?

How did I age so much in three years
The fire is gone
and lives in grief
pain is the last glowing ember
of the vitality I knew

Fairytale

I haven't had a fairy tale romance in a long time, I haven't fallen in love in a long time, I haven't felt so nervous around a guy I could barely speak in a really really long time. I haven't had the crazy butterflies, or lose my breath each time I think about someone. It's been years, in fact only one other time in my life have I felt like this and that was with Yannick.
But this week, it happened again. :)
It happened with Alex, and I am in love and infatuated and I want him to like me and notice me and even just talk to me, but he is also completely unattainable.
Why do I want him so badly? I want his lifestyle, and I want his mind, and I want his freedom and warmth and love. I want to be with him, just by his side, backpacking through the wilderness. He's seen the world, and he's living a life of adventure and thrill and freedom and he's just perfect.
I was such an idiot in front of him though, and I would kill to have one more chance with him. I just want to, have to, see him one more time.
I loved the way he looked and talked and smelled. Oh my goodness, that smell was heaven. He gave me that scarf of his and I literally feel a sense of euphoria every time I smell it. I don't know if he'll ever contact me again though, I'm trying to be patient, and I'm trying to have hope, because why else would he have given me his number and said he wanted to meet again some time? He's gone for a week in Escalante, and I just texted him, I shouldn't have, I should have just waited, I don't want to seem over eager and freak him out. He probably knows how much I like him though, I've messaged him last and texted last and texted again. I am not texting him ever again. I can't until he texts me. I just can't do that, I'm not desperate and I'm not pathetic like that. If he doesn't want to be with me, then I can accept that. I just hope and pray and wish more than anything that he will text me.
Those eyes, and that laugh and the smile. Haha I laugh just thinking about it. We talked for hours and I was more nervous than I've ever been before, but I didn't want to leave, ever. That van, that adorable van. And he laughed at my jokes and told me I was so darn cute. haha except he didn't say darn. :)
I'm going to see him again, I have to.
And if I don't, then I'll have had the most amazing night of my post-mission life and keep this fairytale forever.

Medical School

I've always been sure

of the path I will take.

I've tried to be careful 

of the choices I make

And up to a point

it worked like a dream

I was successful, on-track,

Ahead of the game.

Then I went away

and experienced real life

I changed my views,

and my course,

The whole path of my life.

The old would not do.

and I thought I could change

I had been successful before,

With nothing to blame

But the reality hit

and left me wanting for more

Everyone was set 

when I came in, deplored

The pressure came on

More intense than I knew

I held on so certain

and ready to do

Whatever it took 

to reach my high dream.

And I hit and I ran 

felt powerful as sin

I knew I had got that 

I was there for the win

The dream was mine for the taking

And I wanted it so bad, 

my heart was on fire,

I'd give all that I had.

It was right

and I was there

And I couldn't take it too far.

Like nothing and no one

I'd connected with before.

But  that pressure went up,

All day long, it never ceased . 

And I learned even the thrill seeker 

must remember to breathe.

That sun in the skillet

never let me catch a breath

I was holding on and running

But hurting like death

It was too high and I knew it

And I started to fear.

Afraid of falling, 

afraid of failing 

the one thing I never could do.

And suddenly it's here, 

the end to never is approaching

I've barely entered the game

But, they're passing and expecting

And I'm holding 

But I'm falling 

and failing
for the first time in my life

I'm afraid of the future

but I hold on to the strife

And I still want this much more

than anything I've felt before

The passion that leads me 

It's real as dawn on the shore

But the handholds are getting looser,

and I'm losing my strength,

Because I can't keep loving something 

In which I have no place.

I want it and it hurts,

that unrequited love.

But all I do won't be enough

when I fall from above.