Missionary Journal

This was written while I was a new missionary in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia in June 2015.

                My Conversion Story

My conversion story is a lifelong conversion story. I was born under the covenant. My immediate family and many extended family members are members of the church. The first time I prayed I was maybe 2 years old. I don’t even remember it. I was baptized when I was eight and at that time I believed in God and Jesus. I remember in my baptismal interview my bishop asked me and I could answer that I believed and I wanted to be baptized. After that, I continued going to primary and young women’s classes, through that time I had experiences of prayers being answered. I read the Book of Mormon when I was ten and prayed about it. I prayed about Joseph Smith and I still remember the clear answer that came to me, that I already knew the truth, that he was a prophet. When I took seminary I read the New Testament and Book of Mormon again and continued praying and attending church.

It was during high school when I started questioning my testimony. I recognized I knew nothing other than life in the church. I sometimes wished I could have been like my mom who met with missionaries and chose on her own to be baptized when she was 20, because that way I’d know for sure it was my right choice. That time I started on my journey of my adult conversion. Throughout high school and college I studied the scriptures off and on. I went in and out of the habit to pray. When I did my callings I did them grudgingly and I complained about and broke some commandments. I still went to church though and still felt I believed in what I’d learned as a child.

When the age change for missionaries came out I was excited along with my friends at the prospect of going on a mission. At the time I started preparing for one though, my conversion wasn’t deep enough and I let other things become more important to me and eventually started opposing the idea. At that time I also met my previous boyfriend. He wasn’t a member of the church and I knew I shouldn’t date him, but like I had before, I put my own interests before the advice of prophets and parents and dated him anyway. He was everything I thought I wanted in a husband. I fell in love. Eventually he asked me what he’d have to do to get me to marry him.

I was torn. I wanted to marry him, but my family was very opposed to me even dating him. My parents talked to me over and over again about the wrong path I was going down. When they talked to me, when I went to church, I felt deep in my heart that they were right. But I wanted to marry him and I was used to doing what I wanted. It was a hard time for me. I felt pulled in different directions. At that critical time I wasn’t doing the things to help me feel the spirit. I started distancing myself from my family, I started making bad choices and I was spending more and more of my time with my boyfriend and  friends whose standards were much lower than mine. Then one morning after a night of fun with my new friends and more lectures from my parents I realized I was completely lost.

 I was trying to serve two masters and Satan was obviously the only one winning. I felt the weight of guilt and shame that comes from sin and I just broke under it all. I went sobbing to my parents. Leading up to that I had spent although I thought I was very happy there was a part of me that couldn’t relax. I realized what I was doing would have eternal consequences. During our dating period I had lowered my standards as I spent time with him and his friends. The guilt and loss of the spirit from some of my actions made my decision even harder to make as I had distanced myself from God so much I was even wondering sometimes if He even existed.

However, in those extremely difficult weeks of decision when I had to choose to marry him or stay with the faith of my childhood, what I remembered was the Book of Mormon. I knew I had felt the power from that book. I knew the history of it. Although I had convinced myself of explanations to deny everything else I believe in, I couldn’t for the Book of Mormon. I knew what it contained was true and that it couldn’t have come about without God’s hand in it.

Because of that knowledge I made the hardest choice in my life. I broke up with my boyfriend and watched him move to a different state for work without me. After he left I went through the difficult process of repentance. I started to read my scriptures and prayed every day without missing once. Even though I was feeling immense relief and joy from having the spirit in my life again, there were days when I missed him so much I was for sure I had made the wrong choice. In these times, I tried to turn to God for reassurance.

Months passed and I started thinking about serving a mission. I was hoping by serving it would help me to move on and stop missing him. I knew the choice I had made to break up was right, but I still loved and missed my old boyfriend. I figured if I went on a mission that when I came back I would know how to help him come unto Christ and I could share the gospel with him. I prayed about going on a mission and finally one night I got a strong impression it was right. The next day however, my life changed again as I learned that my ex-boyfriend had been killed in an accident.

I was devastated. I had never felt that much pain or loss before in my life. Unlike the people I’d loved who’d passed away before this, my boyfriend wasn’t a member, he hadn’t lived according to the gospel, he hadn’t gone to the temple, and we weren’t sealed or officially connected in any way. I didn’t have all of those things to comfort me, or give me the hope of being with him again. All I felt was loss and despair and that I would never see him again in this life or the next. I didn’t know what would happen to him.

In those first few days I questioned my decision of not marrying him, I questioned everything and yet each question was answered by the feeling that underneath the soul crushing sadness at least God was still there. I turned to God and poured out my soul to Him, this time in my life knowing I was living exactly within His commandments gave me the ability to trust that although I might not be happy, God was still over all things. That was when I felt that my conversion to this point of my life was complete. I had given up the man I loved forever for the chance to live according to God’s commandments. And from that, a few days later a miracle happened. God answered my pleas for help in a way I didn’t expect. My grief was swept away by the revelation I received. The answer was simple and straight to the point. And with the answer there was no doubt in my mind that God was over all things, my ex boyfriend was one of his sons, and both of us would be happy one day.

After my personal revelation, my heart was filled with gratitude to God and faith in the reality of the Atonement which made it possible for Christ to succor me according to my exact needs at that time.

I began to work on mission papers. Within a month I had submitted and received a call to the Mongolia, Ulaanbaatar mission. I knew the answer to my questions about serving a mission was real and that I needed to stand by the prompting I received before I found out about my friend’s death.  I’m now a missionary and I’ve continued to deepen my conversion through study and service. Everything I’d learned and felt as a child, a teenager, during the repentance process, during the grieving process and now what I teach and study, all strengthen and deepen my testimony and understanding of the gospel. I’m not even close to becoming a saint through Christ, but I think I’m finally on the path and I think that the decisions I’ve made based on the knowledge I’ve gained through my life are leading me to being truly converted. 

I'm Going to Break My Own Rules

Yesterday was the first time I felt frustrated with the person I'm dating. We've started spending a lot of time together, he's held my hand, we've spent time with each others' family, but the thing is this, we haven't talked about the relationship or how we feel about each other, once. Not once. I've hinted but not brought it up outright, and every time I hint (over text-I know, I'm a coward) Josh lets me know that we're good, that he wants to talk about things, but wants to do it in person, that he likes open communication, and I tell him it's fine, I'm not in a hurry, in person is good, whenever he's ready.

And I'm not in a hurry for a commitment. Despite everyone thinking that we're dating officially, I don't care if we call it anything or not. But, what I do want to know is how he really feels about me; and I want to know if this actually might go somewhere. Again though, I don't care if it doesn't. I just need to know what he's thinking. And I know he likes me, I know he does because of his actions. He's adorable, so sweet. He's always a gentleman. But, the thing is, I don't want to push him. I don't want him to feel like he has to do stuff for me and ask me out, and spend all of his time with me, or buy me flowers, or pay for me. He's doing this stuff and I think it's because he likes me, but what if he just likes the idea of me? He tells me his family likes me, and he has a brother and a sister that are both engaged, so why not jump on the engagement train? 

But, the thing is, I don't believe that's why he's doing these things. I don't think he would hold my hand or take me out if he didn't like me. But, I just want us to talk. Because I still feel like an idiot even talking to him about stuff, and I want us to build an emotional connection, but I'm not going to puke out a whole bunch of emotional baggage/crap to try to force that. I want things to happen naturally, but this is not natural. Our communication has gone down the tubes, and I'm sick of it. 

It's my fault. I keep waiting for him to bring up the subject, and I feel like I need to let him lead, and make all of the moves, but I don't have to do that. I can ask questions, and bring up the conversation. So far I've just been stubborn and dumb because in the past I've never brought up anything about the relationship with any of the other boys I dated; they always brought it up before I needed to. But in this case, I'm ready to talk about it, and I haven't. And that is causing me a lot of stress. It's okay for me to bring it up. I'm not ashamed of the way I feel, and I'm okay with expressing that. If he doesn't feel the same way, then I want to know what he's feeling, what he's thinking. 

And it's not because I want to know if I have a chance or if I should kill the relationship because other guys have been showing interest and even asking me out. I know that's nice, and I know I could date them if I wanted to, but I want to date Josh. I think he's the most wonderful person I've been around, and I want things to work with us. I'll be the communicator if that's what he needs, I'll bring things up. Because if I really were to be consistent, then I would bring it up, I would show that I'm a functioning and capable adult in this case like in any other. I wouldn't hide from the issue, or feel awkward about it, or feel like I couldn't express myself because he wasn't letting me. I like Josh, and maybe I'm finally feeling what most girls feel about a guy, because I'm willing to bring up the DTR even though that breaks my cardinal rule of dating. Because I've given all I'm going to give up to this point, and if Josh doesn't want to go further than this, that's where we'll stop.

Pivitol experiences in my college life

ACCESS summer
Horizonte esl night classes 
Research lab u of u
Dating Yannick
Working at Honolulu grill
Iowa summer 
Benergy work
Mission to Mongolia 
Teaching English in Mongolia 
Hospital internship
Doctors volunteer clinic 
Doctor Shadowing
The Children of Hope Academy
Being Relief society President
Coaching Girls on the Run

Hardest Thing

The hardest thing I have experienced in my life was the sudden death of a person very close to me. My friend/previous boyfriend was killed in an accident in the fall of 2014. His sudden death was harder for me than words can describe. His death shattered our dreams together, took away my best friend, and left me devastated. Losing someone so dear to me put me in a position where my faith was really tried for the first time in my life. 

The way I was able to overcome the shock and grief of his death was by strengthening my testimony. At first my faith felt very weak; fear and doubts overwhelmed me. However, a strong answer to a prayer, shortly after the accident, reaffirmed that God was there and aware of me. I knew that I could cope with my loss and get through this time only if I had God's help. I acted on the promptings of the Spirit to dedicate my time to God by serving a full-time mission. 

Through studying scriptures, conference talks, prayer, and conversations with specific people while on my mission, I've received the help I sought. I've found answers to my questions, comfort, and a confirmation that has helped me to gain peace and understanding of my purpose in life and in God's perfect plan. Although I don't understand everything, through this experience I've gained a deeper understanding of the gospel, and learned to relate to people who have experienced loss.

Unsafe

So, I know I shouldn't be doing this, writing a Blog that is, because right now I am really stressed out because of the many many things I need to do. I have a biochemistry test tomorrow, and a cell biology test the next day. My last biochemistry test went horribly I got a 76% on it. And I really need to do better on this test so I can possibly get an A minus in the class. However, I need to take a little break and write about how I'm feeling because if I don't, I might do something irrational. Today was a weird day. I had one of the biggest scares since getting home from my mission. It wasn't even that big of a deal I wasn't in any danger, but my sense of security was really shaken. If anyone knew what actually happened they would probably laugh but for me for some reason I was really scared. Now this probably seems completely unrelated to that but today also I've really just been wanting someone to just hold me and wrap me up in big strong arms. I know that when I get stressed out I usually turn to a boy and I have been trying to find different coping mechanisms. Usually there is some social need that is not being met that if I hang out with my family or other friends I can usually meet that and I feel better, but sometimes like today, that doesn't really work. Sometimes like today, I really just want somebody to hold me and protect me and tell me everything will be ok. I can have all of the girl friends in the world, but they can't give that to me. I think I am just being very hormonal because lately too, despite going to social events and talking to my parents I just feel lonely. But I don't want to need a guy in my life to feel ok. Sometimes though, I just think that would be easier. One of the toughest things I think for me is knowing how to balance that, wanting to feel protected and safe and loved in a romantic, committed way, and then just being okay alone.

 Ever since experiencing the death of a loved one, I have just felt kind of fragile. Anything to do with death or pain or accidents scares me a lot. I hear about people having cancer or people losing a child to an illness or accident and I will burst into tears or  get all shaky and wonder what the point is of loving others is if they are just going to die and we'll possibly lose them. I know with my eternal perspective I shouldn't think that way, but I don't want to feel that pain again that I did with Yannick. And sometimes I just want to play it safe and sometimes I just want to feel safe.

Well, I guess that pretty much is how I'm feeling. I'm going to go study now.

Another Grief Expression

I miss the tickle fights we had. As weird as it sounds I miss when he would give me a little spank when I was being a tease. I miss just walking to our cars after studying or after class, holding hands. He was probably thinking about what we had just learned, but once I was out in the fall air with him I quit thinking, quit concentrating and just let myself feel. Sometimes now I get so caught up in my studies, I only focus on the subject I've been learning whether I'm outside or inside, with people or alone, it doesn't matter cause I'm in my own world of focus. But with him it wasn't like that, I was finally aware, I could finally relax and let go and not have to be so logical and planning about everything. That's what I miss the most about him, was just the security I felt. I wasn't building up walls or backup plans or ways to get along alone anymore. I let myself believe that I wasn't the only one working for a future. My future and his future became one. We were a team and I trusted him. I really trusted him, like I had never trusted someone before. It felt good to be vulnerable because I really believed that he would take care of me and I knew I would make him proud. I would help him and be there tearing up my own field while he was steadily and confidently rising in his. I really liked that about him. He was such a rock, and he let me be his partner. We were completely different, but perfectly in sync, complementary. I know that kind of evenness was special, and I'm okay with realizing that it won't be exactly like that again with someone else. It'll be good, but it'll be different. That special partnership we had, that feeling, it was just Yannick's. And I  feel privileged to have had that with him. I don't miss it, because I know it is not only gone with him, but also with my old self, but I am just grateful to have known that feeling and to have learned more about love from that. I miss holding his hand, and tickling him and an occasional spank because I know those things can come back and I'll have those again with someone else, but that feeling is something I won't have again which is why rather than missing it, I hold it in my heart in a sacred place.

Turning back

I'm heading back, I'm turning back fast
People ask me every day
All this fear and apprehension
Stay within me, please, I pray.

I'm not scared of all the free time,
Or feeling lost, I have a plan
I'm afraid of seeing one face
Mirage of distant eternal man.

My sailor went to sea midst fighting
Never came back to see the peace
Took my heart, my pain, my envy,
Then returned a ghost of bliss.

Haunting in the place we traveled
I can't bear to know he's gone
When I return to life's old quiet
everyone else will have moved on.

I tell myself that I moved on too
These 18 months have changed my heart
But in the rare, quiet minutes
The fire burns, the tears will start.

In this dry and dirty country
Far shielded from friends and ghosts
Rivers changed to desert trickle
Lightning changed to coals at most.

It's easy to lose and leave myself
I feel joy undimmed by tears
But I'm heading back, I'm turning back fast
Back to struggles of past years.

When I get there what will life be,
Can I keep my heart intact?
Can I give it to another,
And face my fear of going back.

5.16.16

Marathon

This marathon is ending,
but the miles are not done.
Each one's harder than before,
I'm barely holding on.
I know my body's at it's strongest
but it's tried, about to break.
2 more miles til it's over
barely there, hang on, just wait.
One footstep and one day,
just take it as it comes.
I know you're tired and want to quit,
but this is the best part of the run.
Ten more meters, one more block,
little goals that you can meet.
You can hear your family cheering
and people lining up in the street.
Makelle, you're doing wonderful,
push harder, we know you can.
this is where the time counts the most,
one more hill and then you're done.
5.19.16

My addiction

The thing I crave
tears me down from within
gives me strength
then my head starts to spin
too much too strong
the dose from a friend
and now I can't stop
I go til the end
I tell this devil
to leave me alone
but I want him back
I don't want to come down
I stay in the bubble
feel the buzz and the glow
but my strength is leaving
and finally I go
I wait it out
cold and weak without sleep
waiting for morning
and the danger I keep.
5.26.16

The Past

The past is there, my phantom, my devil.
I've run far away from all my past evil.
People may say that's not who I am,
All they see is now.
But past predicts future, and to my past some will bow.
I wish it weren't there, that burden of guilt.
I know it's forgiven by him, the one to whom I knelt.
Yet to some I must tell, all will
l be revealed.
And from them especially I've kept this concealed.
So many friends pure, white as the snow
Their life's ease and happiness I'd give anything to know.
5.20.16

Heaven

Heaven, what is heaven?
Heaven is a moment.
The sensation of return,
Of welcome back to familiar arms,
After a long night of separation
Heaven is letting go
Stepping away from the rush
And deadlines and hurry
And lists of never-end
Heaven is music.
Of strumming  and calm
Or crescendoing up to a hold
Even the crash and throbbing of bass
That's heaven.
But extend that moment
And the moment is gone
Add a future and the moment seems long
And boring and bland
See, heaven is a moment
Pure and alone
Contrast is needed for heaven
5.17.16

Acceptance and Depression

I'm doing it, I'm moving onto the acceptance part of the grief cycle. I feel it. I have depressed days, I feel lonely and miss him sometimes, but it's not painful anymore. The predominant feeling I have now is peace. I'm not so afraid of being alone. There's that warm dull feeling of acceptance, kind of below the surface, that just takes away the stress about being everything.
Travis says it's resignation.
He has a way with words, always finding the right one.
He's mad I'm so resigned though.
I won't play into his plan, cause I won't fight anymore.
I can see both view points, but why would I fight against my culture and religion and values? The things that bring stability and a future, I don't need to fight against those.
I used to.
But now I'm just resigned to whatever pulls me.
I'm done rebelling, I want to yield. I want to be kind, I want to just be the sympathetic ear, and accepting shoulder. People mourn, there are so many mourners and grievers, and they need someone to sit with them in silence and not try to fix it or change it.
Being resigned doesn't mean I've given up, it doesn't mean I don't work.
I just want different things now, maybe some more mature things, maybe some easier things.
I don't want to try and be alone anymore though.
I need my parents and that's okay. I love them. I want them.
I'm done with proving to the world that I can be okay on my own.
I thought that was so great, showing everyone I was independent, they didn't even care about that. And it just made me miserable.
The contest I made up, see who can be the most alone, the most independent, get the farthest on their own doing it the hardest way. Why would I do that? But there were  people who respected that. And that way I didn't need anyone's approval, I was better than them all, because I could have the grades and the internships and scholarships without their help or anyone's.
I don't care about proving anything anymore. I'm done with that now, I resign.

How I decided to switch to pre-med and not chemistry

So, I'm pretty sure this is the dumbest blog I've ever seen. There's like no wisdom or cool recipes or fun pictures, and I'm pretty sure the world doesn't need to know the details of my life. So I think I'm just going to delete all of this pretty soon. The problem is, since someone that knew Yannick commented on the old post about him, this is literally the only potential place of contact I could have with them. They commented like 6 months ago, so it seems completely crazy that they would even look at this blog again, but on that off chance that they would I feel like I have to keep this up, even if it's just one post.
Anyways, update on life, I'm still trying to make some friends now that I'm home, and that's not been too successful, but whatever, I'll just keep trying. At least I've figured out what to do with my life and am taking some steps to get there, which is: to be a doctor. I'm just going to go for it, cause you know, I'll get old no matter what so might as well have a great career to go with my old age. And hey, if I actually somehow get into medical school and then get through it all and residency and actually become a doctor, then that's pretty cool. I'd get to help people (in between fighting with insurance companies and filling out mountains of paperwork of course).
I guess I have a bit of a cool story about figuring out how I wanted to be a doctor, I'll share that now, cause that's something kind of neat and not super boring. (well maybe it is to you, I think it's special though)

How I Decided to Switch to Pre-Med and Kick Chemistry to the Curb!

By: Makelle G

Once upon a time there was an RM who learned that she actually liked people and was kind of good at making connections with people even though her entire pre-mission life she thought she was anti-social and didn't like people that much. After having this grand discovery she was a lot happier and realized that since the only reason she hadn't wanted to be a doctor before her mission was the people-factor, now she might actually be able to do that-- be a doctor that is.

Anyways, enough of the weird third-person style, that RM is obviously me, back to first person...

After I decided maybe I could be a doctor, (my old mission president and mission doctor both were super supportive of that idea) I went to an adviser at my school and talked about the possibility of pre-med. I was skeptical, but he actually said I have a pretty good chance of getting into med school, so I jumped on board. 

That same day I went to the Chemistry adviser to see what it would take to get a Chemistry degree(I was switching from Biology). It would take another two full semesters and then a two semester class that is only offered odd years so I'd have to wait til next year to take that.

The chemistry major sounded pretty good because chemistry jobs are easier to find and typically higher paying than jobs you can get with just a biology bachelor's degree. So chemistry really appealed to me because of the nice back up plan it provided if I didn't get into medical school. Plus I could always get into graduate school for chemistry if I didn't get into medical school considering I have the grades and research experience that grad schools typically look for. 

In addition to the chemistry major and potential for chemistry grad school plan I had, that same week I was offered a job as a research assistant at a chemistry/physics lab I had worked at before my mission, this time for a higher wage though. Everything seemed to be working out perfectly. 

But, then things stopped working out quite as smoothly. I was feeling all this stress. I couldn't work out my schedule to fit all of the classes I wanted and needed in addition to the work and volunteering I was going to do. Most of all, one of the required chemistry classes I had was at the same time as the cell biology class I've been looking forward to taking since I started my bio major. I didn't actually need that class for the MCAT or pre-med, but I still really wanted to take it. Things just weren't working out as well as I was hoping for.

Then I had a thought, what do you want? What's your goal? My answer was: I want to go to medical school. Then my mind raised the obvious question: Then why the heck are you stressing about all this stupid chemistry stuff? You're setting yourself up perfectly for a career in chemistry, which you don't even like! 

So after that internal dialogue, I decided who cares about doing all this chem stuff, what do I need to get into med school? What will help me most in a career in biology?

I switched my major back to Biology and I went to the adviser again. He mapped out the classes I need to take before the MCAT and then what else I need to do to get a degree, in Biology with a biomedical emphasis. All of that in 3 semesters.

Why I Kicked My Chemistry Job to the Curb

By: Makelle G

This is kind of the sequel to the previous section, the next and final step in abandoning my chemistry pathway. Shortly after switching my major back to biology and creating a much nicer schedule with classes I'm excited about taking, I started my new job. The interview went great. I had the job before I even showed up. They wanted my experience and needed a lab assistant. I felt fine going into everything. The lab was just like I remembered from before my mission, and the Ph.Ds there seemed nice enough. 

I started a few days later. That first day, I walked into the lab and waited for someone to come show me what I'd be working on. Eventually someone came but not until after I already felt like an idiot just sitting around there for so long while everyone else worked busily around me ignoring my presence or rudely refuting my attempts to be friendly. After being told what I'd be doing, which was pretty much: we have no idea cause our equipment is broken and we haven't figured out any new directions to go, so you go read this 35 page long research article and maybe you or I will figure out something to do and then you can experiment with this new bag of rocks I bought, I went off to a corner and sat around for the next four hours by myself only getting through about ten pages reading a paper about things I didn't understand or even care about learning.

By the end of the day I was not in the best shape. I was pretty embarrassed, and feeling like an idiot on many levels, but mostly I just felt completely out of place. Before my mission I had thirsted for that kind of knowledge, learning new chemistry, reading papers, working alone didn't bother me, I probably wouldn't have even attempted being friendly. But now I'm different. They told me with their voices how much they needed me, but at the end of the day I felt completely useless.

Maybe I've just lost my knack for chemistry, or maybe I've just lost my knack for dis-valuing myself, but I couldn't stay there. I'm good at chemistry, but they didn't let me show that cause they gave me something completely out of my pay range a research paper that I'm supposed to understand and come up with ideas for experiments from. The thing I felt was most undervalued though was the thing I've learned to value in myself the most: the way I connect with people. It's been a long time since O. Chem. I don't remember the steps of hydrolysis or a condensation reaction, and I don't remember the terms I learned two years ago, but I like myself and I value myself. The whole atmosphere there wasn't a good one for me. I was alone, I felt dumb, I was embarrassed for trying to be friendly. When I left, I walked out still pretending I was fine. I started walking home then stopped at the park. I just sat down, took off my shoes, pulled out my lunch which I hadn't taken time to eat, and started to cry. 

I was pretty sure that I was stuck at a job that I already hated, but had to find a bright side because it was a job, it worked with my schedule, paid well, and looked good on a resume. The way I was feeling though wasn't the way you feel when you can find a bright side. 

The next day I went to the clinic I volunteer at. I got to work in the back and go to work in scrubs for the first time. The morning there was really fun. I got to do regular medical assistant duties, taking blood pressure, doing glucose tests, even cleaning the wax out of someone's ears. It was all so fun, and interactive with patients and I felt like I was helping people out as well as getting to talk to them. After my shift ended I was getting ready to go to my job at the lab. After the amazing morning working at the clinic I really dreaded going to work. I already was hoping to find a different job so I could quit the lab one, but after going to the clinic I couldn't make myself go back to that place, so I did something I've never done before, I quit my job. I didn't have anything else lined up, there was no reason I can put on an application, but I just quit because I wasn't about to buy into the idea that I'm not worth anything.

So, this is where I'm at. I'm out of a job, I did get a job lined up at a call center though. It pays well and has hours that are flexible with my schedule so my classes can come first. It's not prestigious at all, but it's a job and I'd rather be at a low-grade call center than working for a place that makes me feel bad about myself.

If I look at my goals: Get into medical school, become a doctor, help people, I don't need a position in a chemistry lab as much as I need self confidence and self value to achieve those. I don't need a degree in chemistry as much as I need to be ready for the MCAT and get a good score on that. I'll get an internship for another research lab this summer. I might have overreacted at the lab, if I stayed for a week or so I probably could have started to feel valued, but I couldn't wait that long, my time is too precious. I mean, I have to write these blog posts. ;)
8/12/16

Quote

"I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors … who have preceded us into the spirit world. We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break."

Joseph F. Smith

Sometimes I'm afraid to forget those I love that are on the other side, because I'm afraid that when I can't remember them anymore they'll just disappear. That's been a fear of mine for a long time, especially with Yannick. But, even if I can't recall the details of Grandpa Louis' face, or the words my paternal grandma said to me last, they're still there. They exist, and they're cheering me on when I make the hard decisions that lead me along the path of righteousness. My grandma was there for me throughout my mission. Yannick is a part of my daily life. Grandma and Grandpa B are there watching me grow up. I love these people, and I won't forget that.

I know I'm living in the past, in a sort of twilight zone of the unseen, some people will probably tell me I need to let go, but sometimes you can't face the possibility of the people you love not being a part of your life anymore. Like Joseph F. Smith said, maybe they aren't so far from us.

I'm home!!!

Hello America!
Hey, I'm back from Mongolia, finally! I'm sure I'll post a ton of stuff on Mongolia later, or maybe I won't, we'll just have to wait and see, but for now I just want to talk about being home. Okay, but first I actually do want to say something about my time in Mongolia. So, living in Mongolia and teaching English and the gospel there has been hands down, the most amazing thing of my life. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, especially learning the language, but it was completely beautiful.

I think the thing I learned there the most was how to really love other people. And I've found that love just starts with happiness. In fact, I am pretty sure that's all love is anyway, it's just happiness. What I mean by that is, when you love someone you try to make them happy and you share your happiness with them. I used to be a really reserved, kind of self-centered, self-conscious person. I'd only really share myself and be who I truly was with very select people, and you know, that really put a damper on my life, cause I wasn't "loving' up to my full potential. (ignore that ridiculous pun, please.)

So, anyways, throughout my mission in Mongolia and teaching English, I was pretty much forced to give everything I had of myself to other people, whether it was my students, my investigators, or especially my companions. There was no break and I was required to serve those people 24/7. And at first I really resented that and I had a horrible time on my mission. I missed my family, I missed Yannick, I missed my friends, and I constantly felt like I was pretending to be someone I'm not. But you know what? I finally just let go of my insecurities and figured that this is who I am and if I keep bottling up all of my thoughts and feelings and ideas which are pretty much the only thing that makes me ME, then I'm going to be miserable forever.

And this wasn't an entirely conscious thing either. Through time I just felt more and more of myself just easing up and becoming comfortable being myself more often, and by doing that I was happier and I could start making others happier because I wasn't afraid anymore to share the joke or funny thing I thought of, and I wasn't afraid of what someone would think if I gave them a hug or if the advice I was giving them didn't make perfect sense in Mongolian. I just started sharing myself with other people and even when I felt crappy I loved these people so I'd still try to make them happy and share something and as a result I felt more loved and accepted and it blasted those negative feelings away. So I guess by loving people enough to share yourself with them and loving yourself enough to share yourself with others that everything in the world just becomes a whole lot easier and way happier.

So, that was the biggest thing I learned in Mongolia, and the biggest change I was able to go through. And I'm incredibly happy and grateful for that because I saw the change that had on my attitude on life, the change in my stress level and the change in my ability to communicate with others. And they are all good changes.