Another Grief Expression

I miss the tickle fights we had. As weird as it sounds I miss when he would give me a little spank when I was being a tease. I miss just walking to our cars after studying or after class, holding hands. He was probably thinking about what we had just learned, but once I was out in the fall air with him I quit thinking, quit concentrating and just let myself feel. Sometimes now I get so caught up in my studies, I only focus on the subject I've been learning whether I'm outside or inside, with people or alone, it doesn't matter cause I'm in my own world of focus. But with him it wasn't like that, I was finally aware, I could finally relax and let go and not have to be so logical and planning about everything. That's what I miss the most about him, was just the security I felt. I wasn't building up walls or backup plans or ways to get along alone anymore. I let myself believe that I wasn't the only one working for a future. My future and his future became one. We were a team and I trusted him. I really trusted him, like I had never trusted someone before. It felt good to be vulnerable because I really believed that he would take care of me and I knew I would make him proud. I would help him and be there tearing up my own field while he was steadily and confidently rising in his. I really liked that about him. He was such a rock, and he let me be his partner. We were completely different, but perfectly in sync, complementary. I know that kind of evenness was special, and I'm okay with realizing that it won't be exactly like that again with someone else. It'll be good, but it'll be different. That special partnership we had, that feeling, it was just Yannick's. And I  feel privileged to have had that with him. I don't miss it, because I know it is not only gone with him, but also with my old self, but I am just grateful to have known that feeling and to have learned more about love from that. I miss holding his hand, and tickling him and an occasional spank because I know those things can come back and I'll have those again with someone else, but that feeling is something I won't have again which is why rather than missing it, I hold it in my heart in a sacred place.