I'm doing it, I'm moving onto the acceptance part of the grief cycle. I feel it. I have depressed days, I feel lonely and miss him sometimes, but it's not painful anymore. The predominant feeling I have now is peace. I'm not so afraid of being alone. There's that warm dull feeling of acceptance, kind of below the surface, that just takes away the stress about being everything.
Travis says it's resignation.
He has a way with words, always finding the right one.
He's mad I'm so resigned though.
I won't play into his plan, cause I won't fight anymore.
I can see both view points, but why would I fight against my culture and religion and values? The things that bring stability and a future, I don't need to fight against those.
I used to.
But now I'm just resigned to whatever pulls me.
I'm done rebelling, I want to yield. I want to be kind, I want to just be the sympathetic ear, and accepting shoulder. People mourn, there are so many mourners and grievers, and they need someone to sit with them in silence and not try to fix it or change it.
Being resigned doesn't mean I've given up, it doesn't mean I don't work.
I just want different things now, maybe some more mature things, maybe some easier things.
I don't want to try and be alone anymore though.
I need my parents and that's okay. I love them. I want them.
I'm done with proving to the world that I can be okay on my own.
I thought that was so great, showing everyone I was independent, they didn't even care about that. And it just made me miserable.
The contest I made up, see who can be the most alone, the most independent, get the farthest on their own doing it the hardest way. Why would I do that? But there were people who respected that. And that way I didn't need anyone's approval, I was better than them all, because I could have the grades and the internships and scholarships without their help or anyone's.
I don't care about proving anything anymore. I'm done with that now, I resign.
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