I think I'm having boy trouble. But I don't know if that's what this is...

The Problem:

The guy I worked with wants to date me. I like him and everything, but I still miss Yannick and I'm going on a mission in three weeks, so I don't really want any distractions.

The Details:

He's cute. The first time I saw him I felt a little spark of attraction just in the looks department, but then I got to know him and my interest kind of wavered cause he's a bit quirky, but then built up again because he's a fun and nice guy.

He knew Yannick. They were friends in high school. Of course they would be. I don't know if this makes it better or worse. He reminds me of Yannick in some ways, same temperment, some personality similarities. I can see why they were friends, but at the same time, he's nothing like Yannick in beliefs and life experience.

He's not a member of my church. Of course not, they never are. Again this is different though, because unlike Yannick, he was a member of my church until he moved away from home. I'm not sure if this makes it a better or worse situation.

I had a crush on him and I liked working with him. We worked pretty well together. I was his assistant and I think he liked having me there to assist him, massaged his ego a bit. In my case, I had to throw a bit of my pride out the window to be assisting someone, but he was always nice about it, and my loyalty to the company and him made me do a good job. It's true you end up caring about the people you serve.

I don't feel like he and I are on the same page with what a relationship means. Every time I want to hang out with him, it seems like he's busy. It feels like I'm always waiting for him to ask me out, for him to text me, for him to suggest something. It feels like I'm always waiting and begging him to hang out, and I do not like that. He is simply not worth it to keep putting myself out there, but I keep doing it just because I think he'd want to hang out. I should not be chasing him.

Yannick always put me first, and I put him first. We'd skip classes, ditch friends, stay up late, wake up early, drive all the way back to school to say hi for only five minutes. If something was really important that we couldn't miss, we would tell each other that we wanted to be with them but we had to be responsible and keep the rest of our lives going too and we'd both understand. There was always that communication factor, that reminder that we were special to each other, worth the sacrifice, worth the wait. That isn't there with the guy at work. I don't feel important to him, unless it's convenient.

I know a lot of this short list mentions Yannick. I can't help it. That's another big point on my list of details. I miss Yannick. I love Yannick. I want to be with someone that makes me feel like that again, and this guy doesn't do that for me. I like him, I enjoy spending time with him, but there is a huge thing missing. I kissed him and there was no spark. I felt like a cold shell of a human just going through the motions. And not only that, after some time of searching after Yannick's death, I have found what actually makes me feel fulfilled, and that is my mission. And being with this guy, dating him, it doesn't add to that mission plan. He takes away from it.

I don't care about being happy right now, because knowing Yannick is dead still holds sadness for me. Right now I just care about being fulfilled, having my sense of purpose. When I put my purpose first in my life I feel like I'm healing, and dating this guy would feel fake, it would feel like I'm faking my happiness, pretending my mission and my church isn't the most important thing to me. I would be lying and by dating him.

Even with this knowledge of myself, it's hard telling a good friend that I don't want to date him. I want to spend time with him, because I care about him, I want him to be happy and I  like having a friend to have fun with. But I know that dating him would be a lie, and would be beneath what I deserve.

I am strong, beautiful, talented, and I am worth it, and I won't believe anyone who tells me otherwise.

Thanksgiving Happiness :)

Happy Thanksgiving yesterday! Haha :) I love late holiday wishes. Okay, the grateful list is cliche, but I'm going to go for it anyways cause it's a good cliche. 

10 Things (Or multiple things that are similarly related) That I'm grateful for-in no particular order:

1. That my knee is not hurting today(I screwed it up somehow)

2. That I'm going on a mission in less than 3 weeks

3. The chance to go to Mongolia

4. Family (OF COURSE)

5. The new moisturizer I found (okay I borrowed/stole it from my sister) which works super well! 

6. Scientists and Engineers: past, present, and future

7. My living, loving Father in Heaven, His Son Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost

8. God's restored church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

9. Flowers, red rocks, blue sky 

10. The people I've met who have helped me grow into the person I am today.

Ten things on a grateful list is not nearly enough, but for time's sake that's all I'm doing tonight! HAPPY THANKSGIVING! P.S. I ate a lot of food yesterday, as always. It was an excellent holiday note to leave on.

I'm publishing all of my old posts about Yannick

Here's an old post I wrote but didn't publish. It's from August after I came home to go to school, but before I found out Yannick had died.
8/15/14
A few months ago, I was in love with the man of my dreams! He was everything I wanted in a man, handsome and masculine, smart, ambitious, and hard working, he had values and self discipline, he made me laugh, was sexy as anything, and he absolutely adored me. Even though it's been a while since we broke up, I still believe he had everything I wanted. Well, except for one thing which I discovered meant everything to me. My religion. That was the deal breaker and the reason I'm not married now and living in Seattle with him.
Through a very difficult few months I had it cemented into my heart that I want to marry a guy that loves God and will help me love God more every day. Because without that important piece to a relationship, nothing else matters. He was my dream guy, but even that wasn't enough, because without a relationship with God, he wasn't the man I could spend eternity with.
It broke my heart to say goodbye to this man, but I've finally recovered. I know that someone will come along and have everything that this guy did, but he'll be a strong member of the church.
So, after my adventure in Iowa, working in a genetics and biochemistry lab, I came home to Utah and I'll admit, the first thing I thought of when I drove into town, was him. I didn't mean to, but when we drove down the road he and I had walked so many times, I immediately saw him standing there in his green v-neck, books under his arm, with that same grin he always had for me.
It's been rough returning to the town where he haunts my days.

What do I need?

Oh life hurts so bad sometimes. I miss him. I read a story by one of his ex girlfriends about him, she had pictures of them kissing and just laying around. Yannick and I didn't take a single picture of us. Not one. I could cry for a year because of that. He and I are the only ones that know what we meant to each other. I want someone to know. I need to know it was real, that he was real. I am so jealous. Everyone will think that H---- was the only girl that loved him, that he loved. I want him to still be mine. I couldn't have him in life, can't I have him in death? Oh this is so pointless anyways. I read his book, Atlas Shrugged. It makes me hurt inside too. Everything that reminds me of him just hurts so so so badly. I read that book and I love it. It's him. I have to face reality because of that. That was the main axiom of the book. Reading it I have so much regret. If I had read it when he was alive I could have told him that we believe the same thing. I could have helped him understand why I believe the way I do, and the way he does. He was not atheist for the reasons I thought he was. He just was against the world's form of a God that destroys justice. I want him to be here, I wish he was here so I could tell him, I wish I had read that book before August. Oh it hurts just how much I wish that and know that no matter what I do, it's impossible to go back. We loved each other. It was real, he is real. Everything just hurts. 10/20/14