Dead

He's gone.
We looked at apartments in Seattle together.
He asked me a million times to be his wife.
Asked me to run away to Paris with him.
Neither of us wanted a big wedding anyway.

But now he's gone.

Dead.
Cold, hard, dead.
Never tickling me or kissing me or untying my hair.
They found his body on the side of the road.
Up there in Washington, alone.
Because I said no.
I don't know how he died, no one does.
He was found in the forest.
In a place he would have wanted to hike.
I'll never see his smile again.
I'll never hold his hand again.
All of those thoughts I had of him when I came home,
finally spilled over and I sent him a message.
Then another message,
and another.
I told him sorry I wasn't being as mature as he,
but I couldn't just let him go so easily.
He never replied.
Because he was gone.

And you know why I let him go?
Because of my faith
Because of my family
Because of forever.
I wanted him forever,
This life wasn't enough,
but now we don't even have that.
And we never will.
We don't have this life,
We don't have eternity.
He is GONE!! And he's never coming back!!!

I get so mad I could spit
It's so unfair,
I want to die myself
But that won't change anything
I'll still be waiting for him to choose on the other side.
I'll marry someone else.
I'll forget about my fantasy man
But I want him to be happy
Even though he still makes me so mad,
I just want him to be happy

I want him to choose God
then I want him to choose me

I prayed for him,
I dreamed about him,
I wrote about him
and cried about him.

And now I cry about him again.
This time tears of anger and shock and loss
and dark dark sadness.
A monster inside of me
Locked jaw, I'm so cold,
I can't let him go, I don't know what I'll have left
I don't have any tears left.
Three hours of rain and I'm all dried up.

I'll never have him.
He's gone.

DTR Scale

DTR=Define The Relationship

When you have a DTR, you and your potential boyfriend/girlfriend talk about what stage the relationship is in, and where it's going. These obviously can be a little awkward, disappointing, or in the best situations, exciting and romantic conversations. Well, I don't really have much experience with this myself, but I came up with a scale anyway to help people "define the relationship" just because I like psychology and numbers, and putting them together is even better. So, here goes. :)

1. Interested as a person- no relationship

2. Just friends/acquaintances

3. Close friends

4. Close friends with dating interest

5. Interested

6. Singular interest

7. Want to be boyfriend/girlfriend

8. Want to write a song about them

9. Want to have a future together

10. Want to marry

As the scale goes up, the commitment and interest level goes up as well. To avoid awkward situations it is best that you are never more than two steps ahead of your partner in either acting on or desiring a higher relationship level. These steps usually progress from 1-10 as time progresses, and I personally think a healthy relationship should go through every step before moving up the scale, even just for a short amount of time. For example, when dating I wouldn't want to date someone I had just met that already seemed like they had a level 5 interest in me, when I was still at level 1 or 2. 

If you gauge that your interest in a person, or your desire for a relationship is of a higher level than theirs, then SLOW DOWN. Focus on the previous steps, make sure the interest you have in that person has progressed through every level. If they still aren't at the same level as you, it's time to evaluate if this person just needs time to catch up or if this relationship is better to let die. You deserve someone that will be at the same interest level with you.

Fearful Rambling

I'm afraid of two things right now. Okay, that's a complete lie, I'm afraid of a lot of things, but we'll go with it for now, cause I'm thinking of two things I'm afraid of. #1- I'm afraid that I'm just wasting my life, chasing my tail. What if all of this chemistry and biology and physics that I'm learning isn't what life is all about? I'm spending hundreds even thousands of hours studying ways to describe nature and life, and what if by doing that I'm missing the big picture? What if I get ten or twenty years down the road, after a few degrees, a few more jobs and prestigious internships, and I haven't grown as a person at all? What if I'm just the same person, but I just know a lot of cool things about life around me? And even worse, what if I haven't left anything behind? If I just keep taking from the world, accumulating facts and I haven't contributed at all? I don't want to be a sponge, I want to give back, I want to create something. I'm vain I know, but I want a part of me to be out there in the big world, so I will have left something, proved my existence, prove my development. I can't keep waiting and accumulating knowledge and stay secluded in my room studying, or walk through campus with my mind still captured up in equations, theories, and models, but not see any of my classmates around me. That brings me to my second fear.
I'm afraid I'm losing touch with everyone around me. A year ago I was very social. It was part of my personality, admittedly I was a little people pleasing, but I was very analytic of situations and psychology. People were a game to me, and I was in it to win. I would evaluate a situation, make some quick judgments of personality and zero in on my future target. This is how I made friends, collected boyfriends, found the best study partners, and got my thrill. I experienced a sensational buzz of adrenaline every time I was right in my predictions of people or even better, every time they surprised me. That was so much of who I was, and now it's not. I've completely extricated myself from that part of me. Now I just go to class, church, work and treat people as they are to be treated, as people, not experimental subjects. But by taking that inquisitive, experimental aspect out of relationships, I have no motivation to pursue them. There is no excitement when I just accept people as they are at face value, wanting nothing more, trying to give nothing. Relationships have become meaningless, needless, and stagnant for me. The only experiments I do now are in the lab, which is probably why I have whole-heartedly leapt into my classes and studies.
But now, I just don't know what to do. If I remain with this view of relationships, all of mine will be doomed to fail. There will be no excitement or motivation. If I go back to my old way I am essentially using people. I know it's a messed up view of relationships and I don't know which way to go.
For now I know I want to create, to find meaning in life, and have good relationships. I'm slightly confused at how to go about doing that in the best way for me, but I am a scientist, a Christian, and I am confident I will find a way! Acknowledging fears, problems, and personal flaws is something I'm not afraid of doing because that leads to solutions, increased faith, and eventually strengths! And of course, I'll keep you posted on what changes I make in my life. :) 9/10/14