Bad Ending

Sometimes things have to end badly
Sometimes you can't leave any hope
Sometimes you have to stop yourself
From reaching out, and let the ball drop

Sometimes it's better to let him be mad
Cause that means you're finally through
And you can move away, and you can move on,
Finally do what you were meant to do

He's mad and steaming but you're justified
Cause you know he's been misinformed
If you apologized, you could set him right
But this is better for him and for you

And hearing his cries and curses and pain
Yeah, it cuts you right where it hurts
To see the man you thought you had loved
Turning cold, reaching out, and reverse

But he's had it with the back and forth
He finally sees the losing game
Covers up pain with rage, stuck in his cage
You turn away, can't watch anymore

But every one of us goes through this
Though he feels it stronger than most
And you know he'll emerge with time's healing
Unchanged for the better or worse

I thought he was the one that would change me
I thought he was the one I could choose
But he wanted control and wouldn't let go
And I pushed and pulled and strained for a break
I needed my time and I needed my space
And the games we played, only temporary I knew
Cause I thought, I'd come back, like I'd always come back

But he took it too far and he said no more games
And he didn't trust me enough to take care of his pain
The doctor, the sociopath, who just wanted one more
Jealousy sent him in a spin, running for the door

And then I let him go and I let him leave
Cause I knew there was no way he would believe
And when I sat down and thought it all through
I realized I didn't believe it either, so there's nothing to do

The weeks of tearing apart every word that I said
And weeks of jealousy, blame, rage, and respite
I didn't want anymore, didn't care for the taste
Had all I could take and was good for the night

And now the whole thing is over, and that's fine by me
I don't want to see him, or hear him or get him to leave
He can finally move on, and so can I
We've slammed that door shut, fully closed, let it be

Sometimes things have to end badly
Sometimes people don't give you any hope
And sometimes you accept it as part of life
Move on, looking past, and find the growth

Military ID

I just had the WORST picture of my life. I thought that my passport picture was the worst, or maybe the half-asleep, jet lagged, shell shocked picture that was taken at the Mongolian immigration office after a 24 hour journey from Provo, UT was the worst, but at least in those pictures I had my hair down and I tried to fake a closed-lip smile. This one was all dead eyes, pasty skin, and tight bun. It's hideous and I hope no one I know will EVER see it.
I'm so mad too, cause it was an important picture! It was for my CAC card and I was really excited to get it because military ID is super beneficial! There are so many perks everywhere for active duty military, but I think I'll pass on all of them because holy Hannah, that picture is horrible!
So, now that the awful experience is over, I definitely have some advice for myself and anyone else that goes to take a military ID picture- practice not looking like a zombie in the mirror before you go!!
Now that I think about it, after I had the bad passport picture experience, I practiced for my visa picture, and in that one I look like a babe! So it works, just take five seconds and figure out how to hold your face in a way that makes it look semi-normal before a passport, military ID, or visa picture is taken, because those are important pictures that will be around for a while.
My one condolence is that the ID expires in 2022. That means only 3 more years til I can have another shot and you'd better believe I will be ready for that one.

I'm Done

I am so done!

I'm done with dressing up

And holding my breath

I'm done with trying so hard

Fashioning texts,

Playing your games

Wondering what's next

You're always around the corner

Moving on without telling me

I say the wrong thing

Or so it seems

I don't know what's in your head

And I'm sick of trying to guess

I don't need your approval or your redress

I'm going to love someone who loves me back

Finally move on, off this circular track

Cause I don't need this stupid charade

I have a life, hobbies, and friends

My future is made

I'll love my triathlons

I'll love cooking alone

I'll love med school 

And research, 

And chilling at home

If you want to call me, I'll leave that to you

Because I'm done thinking and fretting

And turning myself blue

You have a million different options

And I don't have to be one

Dating, loving, and chasing

I've had enough, now I'm done.