Funerals

It's a funeral weekend

The family is gathering

The preparations being made

And I'm pulling out my black dress

I should be mourning

I should be feeling sad 

For the man who never had a chance

And suffered for so long

But my head is in a different place

And my heart is breaking for someone else

And there's a question that 

Can't quite leave me alone

Can this really be goodbye? 

Are we really done?

Why the heck did you put me in this spot?

Why did it have to be all or none?

I've spent my life drowning 

in waters of black and white thinking

Now you've done it, you made me choose

and I did what I had to.

But all I want right now

Is for the time to reverse

To the times when I didn't have to think so hard

To the times we just let love run its course

I want to go back to August 

When you said, I didn't have to choose

You hushed my fears, took me as I was

And promised there'd be nothing to lose

I want to go back to September

When you took me camping on a date

I caught my first fish, had our second first kiss

And got home a little too late

I want to go back to October

Everything was happening so fast,

But I trusted you, haunted house and all, :P

Thought this love would be my last

Even in November, 

when the world was open wide

12 weeks til we're clean 

and you promised you'd be, forever by my side

But then came December

I don't want to remember that month

With my doubts, crushed hopes and promises 

Shattered more than once

And January was supposed to be new

Forget what was broken, forget what was said

Make new habits, boundaries, 

and begin again

But that demon fate, put in a word of his own

He made bad seem even worse

All weakness flaunted, sore spots jaunted

Fires lit, left no time for remorse

And the time came for us to take final count

He surrendered the keys for my taking

The emotional charge raised the stakes way too high

And I took those keys, smiling and faking

Then the smile faded and I keep wringing my hands

Trying to see if it all was worth it

I'm thinking in circles, and all around him

Both parties did wrong, we deserve this

We pumped this up

We pressured and pimped

He bought a ring

And I held it all in

He crossed a line

I crossed it back

He saw my secrets

I saw him crack

We both saw each other in a dramatized new

Where anger and fear led us to do

Things we wished we wouldn't 

And say words we thought we couldn't

He manipulated and pushed

I withdrew and crushed

We were selfish, I can say it

We were catty and I hate it

But now the dust has settled

And we're on different sides

I can think a little clearer

And see where truth resides

Hindsight has a funny way of teaching

It makes all things look silly and small

Because when I think back on September

I realize nothing has changed at all

Now my calendar says six weeks 

Til you can marry Kyle cause you're clean

And I wish we could go back to when we had good sense

And see what that could mean

I don't understand

What happens when you get to the point where you just want someone to love? I'm to that point. I want someone to do sweet things to. I want someone I can relax with. I want someone to trust and hold and confide in. I've wanted that my whole life. A best friend. A partner. I want to get married so bad. I love Kyle. Why can't I just marry him?

I don't understand what is so wrong with wanting that.

I know I would be good to him. I know I would be good to our family. It's something I've dreamed about for so long. Before I dreamed of being a doctor or a scientist, or even a teacher, I just wanted to be a mom. Why can't I just have that? He was offering me that.

Why do I have to constantly be pushing for something more and something better. Why do I feel like I'm supposed to be the one to be better than my parents, to be better than the town I grew up in? I love that town. I love my family. They have everything I want, they are everything I want to be, what I've always wanted to be.

But there's that stupid voice inside my head that keeps telling me I can do better, that I should do better. It pushed away Yannick, and it pushed me to medical school and away from pediatrics and into ortho and it pushed me away from Kyle. And you know what? I'm sick of the pushing. I just want someone to love me for who I am now, not who I am supposed to be. I just want to stop and say this is enough, this is as far as I am going to go. Because where does it get me?

Where does that push for prestige, for honor and acclaim, for the perfect house and resume, and body and testimony, for the neighbors and teachers to say "wow, she really made something of herself", where does it all lead me?

It leads me to where I am now and where I always find myself. Alone, and crying in my bed, pretending that I am alright and that this is how I want things to be, because that is what the voice has always told me to say.

And I know the only way out is to stop. To just say it, that I'm done listening. I know that's the only way I'll stop the madness. But I can't. I can't let down all those people. It's just way too late. This is who I am, this is who I've chosen to be. These are the friends I have made, the persona I have projected, and it's too late.

I gave up on Yannick, I gave up on Kyle. I gave up. I gave them up. I looked at them, the two men who loved me more than any in the world, I looked at them and said no, I can do better. And I turned my back on them and I told them to leave, and it's too late and it will always be too late.