Unsafe

So, I know I shouldn't be doing this, writing a Blog that is, because right now I am really stressed out because of the many many things I need to do. I have a biochemistry test tomorrow, and a cell biology test the next day. My last biochemistry test went horribly I got a 76% on it. And I really need to do better on this test so I can possibly get an A minus in the class. However, I need to take a little break and write about how I'm feeling because if I don't, I might do something irrational. Today was a weird day. I had one of the biggest scares since getting home from my mission. It wasn't even that big of a deal I wasn't in any danger, but my sense of security was really shaken. If anyone knew what actually happened they would probably laugh but for me for some reason I was really scared. Now this probably seems completely unrelated to that but today also I've really just been wanting someone to just hold me and wrap me up in big strong arms. I know that when I get stressed out I usually turn to a boy and I have been trying to find different coping mechanisms. Usually there is some social need that is not being met that if I hang out with my family or other friends I can usually meet that and I feel better, but sometimes like today, that doesn't really work. Sometimes like today, I really just want somebody to hold me and protect me and tell me everything will be ok. I can have all of the girl friends in the world, but they can't give that to me. I think I am just being very hormonal because lately too, despite going to social events and talking to my parents I just feel lonely. But I don't want to need a guy in my life to feel ok. Sometimes though, I just think that would be easier. One of the toughest things I think for me is knowing how to balance that, wanting to feel protected and safe and loved in a romantic, committed way, and then just being okay alone.

 Ever since experiencing the death of a loved one, I have just felt kind of fragile. Anything to do with death or pain or accidents scares me a lot. I hear about people having cancer or people losing a child to an illness or accident and I will burst into tears or  get all shaky and wonder what the point is of loving others is if they are just going to die and we'll possibly lose them. I know with my eternal perspective I shouldn't think that way, but I don't want to feel that pain again that I did with Yannick. And sometimes I just want to play it safe and sometimes I just want to feel safe.

Well, I guess that pretty much is how I'm feeling. I'm going to go study now.

Another Grief Expression

I miss the tickle fights we had. As weird as it sounds I miss when he would give me a little spank when I was being a tease. I miss just walking to our cars after studying or after class, holding hands. He was probably thinking about what we had just learned, but once I was out in the fall air with him I quit thinking, quit concentrating and just let myself feel. Sometimes now I get so caught up in my studies, I only focus on the subject I've been learning whether I'm outside or inside, with people or alone, it doesn't matter cause I'm in my own world of focus. But with him it wasn't like that, I was finally aware, I could finally relax and let go and not have to be so logical and planning about everything. That's what I miss the most about him, was just the security I felt. I wasn't building up walls or backup plans or ways to get along alone anymore. I let myself believe that I wasn't the only one working for a future. My future and his future became one. We were a team and I trusted him. I really trusted him, like I had never trusted someone before. It felt good to be vulnerable because I really believed that he would take care of me and I knew I would make him proud. I would help him and be there tearing up my own field while he was steadily and confidently rising in his. I really liked that about him. He was such a rock, and he let me be his partner. We were completely different, but perfectly in sync, complementary. I know that kind of evenness was special, and I'm okay with realizing that it won't be exactly like that again with someone else. It'll be good, but it'll be different. That special partnership we had, that feeling, it was just Yannick's. And I  feel privileged to have had that with him. I don't miss it, because I know it is not only gone with him, but also with my old self, but I am just grateful to have known that feeling and to have learned more about love from that. I miss holding his hand, and tickling him and an occasional spank because I know those things can come back and I'll have those again with someone else, but that feeling is something I won't have again which is why rather than missing it, I hold it in my heart in a sacred place.