Turning back

I'm heading back, I'm turning back fast
People ask me every day
All this fear and apprehension
Stay within me, please, I pray.

I'm not scared of all the free time,
Or feeling lost, I have a plan
I'm afraid of seeing one face
Mirage of distant eternal man.

My sailor went to sea midst fighting
Never came back to see the peace
Took my heart, my pain, my envy,
Then returned a ghost of bliss.

Haunting in the place we traveled
I can't bear to know he's gone
When I return to life's old quiet
everyone else will have moved on.

I tell myself that I moved on too
These 18 months have changed my heart
But in the rare, quiet minutes
The fire burns, the tears will start.

In this dry and dirty country
Far shielded from friends and ghosts
Rivers changed to desert trickle
Lightning changed to coals at most.

It's easy to lose and leave myself
I feel joy undimmed by tears
But I'm heading back, I'm turning back fast
Back to struggles of past years.

When I get there what will life be,
Can I keep my heart intact?
Can I give it to another,
And face my fear of going back.

5.16.16

Marathon

This marathon is ending,
but the miles are not done.
Each one's harder than before,
I'm barely holding on.
I know my body's at it's strongest
but it's tried, about to break.
2 more miles til it's over
barely there, hang on, just wait.
One footstep and one day,
just take it as it comes.
I know you're tired and want to quit,
but this is the best part of the run.
Ten more meters, one more block,
little goals that you can meet.
You can hear your family cheering
and people lining up in the street.
Makelle, you're doing wonderful,
push harder, we know you can.
this is where the time counts the most,
one more hill and then you're done.
5.19.16

My addiction

The thing I crave
tears me down from within
gives me strength
then my head starts to spin
too much too strong
the dose from a friend
and now I can't stop
I go til the end
I tell this devil
to leave me alone
but I want him back
I don't want to come down
I stay in the bubble
feel the buzz and the glow
but my strength is leaving
and finally I go
I wait it out
cold and weak without sleep
waiting for morning
and the danger I keep.
5.26.16

The Past

The past is there, my phantom, my devil.
I've run far away from all my past evil.
People may say that's not who I am,
All they see is now.
But past predicts future, and to my past some will bow.
I wish it weren't there, that burden of guilt.
I know it's forgiven by him, the one to whom I knelt.
Yet to some I must tell, all will
l be revealed.
And from them especially I've kept this concealed.
So many friends pure, white as the snow
Their life's ease and happiness I'd give anything to know.
5.20.16

Heaven

Heaven, what is heaven?
Heaven is a moment.
The sensation of return,
Of welcome back to familiar arms,
After a long night of separation
Heaven is letting go
Stepping away from the rush
And deadlines and hurry
And lists of never-end
Heaven is music.
Of strumming  and calm
Or crescendoing up to a hold
Even the crash and throbbing of bass
That's heaven.
But extend that moment
And the moment is gone
Add a future and the moment seems long
And boring and bland
See, heaven is a moment
Pure and alone
Contrast is needed for heaven
5.17.16

Acceptance and Depression

I'm doing it, I'm moving onto the acceptance part of the grief cycle. I feel it. I have depressed days, I feel lonely and miss him sometimes, but it's not painful anymore. The predominant feeling I have now is peace. I'm not so afraid of being alone. There's that warm dull feeling of acceptance, kind of below the surface, that just takes away the stress about being everything.
Travis says it's resignation.
He has a way with words, always finding the right one.
He's mad I'm so resigned though.
I won't play into his plan, cause I won't fight anymore.
I can see both view points, but why would I fight against my culture and religion and values? The things that bring stability and a future, I don't need to fight against those.
I used to.
But now I'm just resigned to whatever pulls me.
I'm done rebelling, I want to yield. I want to be kind, I want to just be the sympathetic ear, and accepting shoulder. People mourn, there are so many mourners and grievers, and they need someone to sit with them in silence and not try to fix it or change it.
Being resigned doesn't mean I've given up, it doesn't mean I don't work.
I just want different things now, maybe some more mature things, maybe some easier things.
I don't want to try and be alone anymore though.
I need my parents and that's okay. I love them. I want them.
I'm done with proving to the world that I can be okay on my own.
I thought that was so great, showing everyone I was independent, they didn't even care about that. And it just made me miserable.
The contest I made up, see who can be the most alone, the most independent, get the farthest on their own doing it the hardest way. Why would I do that? But there were  people who respected that. And that way I didn't need anyone's approval, I was better than them all, because I could have the grades and the internships and scholarships without their help or anyone's.
I don't care about proving anything anymore. I'm done with that now, I resign.

How I decided to switch to pre-med and not chemistry

So, I'm pretty sure this is the dumbest blog I've ever seen. There's like no wisdom or cool recipes or fun pictures, and I'm pretty sure the world doesn't need to know the details of my life. So I think I'm just going to delete all of this pretty soon. The problem is, since someone that knew Yannick commented on the old post about him, this is literally the only potential place of contact I could have with them. They commented like 6 months ago, so it seems completely crazy that they would even look at this blog again, but on that off chance that they would I feel like I have to keep this up, even if it's just one post.
Anyways, update on life, I'm still trying to make some friends now that I'm home, and that's not been too successful, but whatever, I'll just keep trying. At least I've figured out what to do with my life and am taking some steps to get there, which is: to be a doctor. I'm just going to go for it, cause you know, I'll get old no matter what so might as well have a great career to go with my old age. And hey, if I actually somehow get into medical school and then get through it all and residency and actually become a doctor, then that's pretty cool. I'd get to help people (in between fighting with insurance companies and filling out mountains of paperwork of course).
I guess I have a bit of a cool story about figuring out how I wanted to be a doctor, I'll share that now, cause that's something kind of neat and not super boring. (well maybe it is to you, I think it's special though)

How I Decided to Switch to Pre-Med and Kick Chemistry to the Curb!

By: Makelle G

Once upon a time there was an RM who learned that she actually liked people and was kind of good at making connections with people even though her entire pre-mission life she thought she was anti-social and didn't like people that much. After having this grand discovery she was a lot happier and realized that since the only reason she hadn't wanted to be a doctor before her mission was the people-factor, now she might actually be able to do that-- be a doctor that is.

Anyways, enough of the weird third-person style, that RM is obviously me, back to first person...

After I decided maybe I could be a doctor, (my old mission president and mission doctor both were super supportive of that idea) I went to an adviser at my school and talked about the possibility of pre-med. I was skeptical, but he actually said I have a pretty good chance of getting into med school, so I jumped on board. 

That same day I went to the Chemistry adviser to see what it would take to get a Chemistry degree(I was switching from Biology). It would take another two full semesters and then a two semester class that is only offered odd years so I'd have to wait til next year to take that.

The chemistry major sounded pretty good because chemistry jobs are easier to find and typically higher paying than jobs you can get with just a biology bachelor's degree. So chemistry really appealed to me because of the nice back up plan it provided if I didn't get into medical school. Plus I could always get into graduate school for chemistry if I didn't get into medical school considering I have the grades and research experience that grad schools typically look for. 

In addition to the chemistry major and potential for chemistry grad school plan I had, that same week I was offered a job as a research assistant at a chemistry/physics lab I had worked at before my mission, this time for a higher wage though. Everything seemed to be working out perfectly. 

But, then things stopped working out quite as smoothly. I was feeling all this stress. I couldn't work out my schedule to fit all of the classes I wanted and needed in addition to the work and volunteering I was going to do. Most of all, one of the required chemistry classes I had was at the same time as the cell biology class I've been looking forward to taking since I started my bio major. I didn't actually need that class for the MCAT or pre-med, but I still really wanted to take it. Things just weren't working out as well as I was hoping for.

Then I had a thought, what do you want? What's your goal? My answer was: I want to go to medical school. Then my mind raised the obvious question: Then why the heck are you stressing about all this stupid chemistry stuff? You're setting yourself up perfectly for a career in chemistry, which you don't even like! 

So after that internal dialogue, I decided who cares about doing all this chem stuff, what do I need to get into med school? What will help me most in a career in biology?

I switched my major back to Biology and I went to the adviser again. He mapped out the classes I need to take before the MCAT and then what else I need to do to get a degree, in Biology with a biomedical emphasis. All of that in 3 semesters.

Why I Kicked My Chemistry Job to the Curb

By: Makelle G

This is kind of the sequel to the previous section, the next and final step in abandoning my chemistry pathway. Shortly after switching my major back to biology and creating a much nicer schedule with classes I'm excited about taking, I started my new job. The interview went great. I had the job before I even showed up. They wanted my experience and needed a lab assistant. I felt fine going into everything. The lab was just like I remembered from before my mission, and the Ph.Ds there seemed nice enough. 

I started a few days later. That first day, I walked into the lab and waited for someone to come show me what I'd be working on. Eventually someone came but not until after I already felt like an idiot just sitting around there for so long while everyone else worked busily around me ignoring my presence or rudely refuting my attempts to be friendly. After being told what I'd be doing, which was pretty much: we have no idea cause our equipment is broken and we haven't figured out any new directions to go, so you go read this 35 page long research article and maybe you or I will figure out something to do and then you can experiment with this new bag of rocks I bought, I went off to a corner and sat around for the next four hours by myself only getting through about ten pages reading a paper about things I didn't understand or even care about learning.

By the end of the day I was not in the best shape. I was pretty embarrassed, and feeling like an idiot on many levels, but mostly I just felt completely out of place. Before my mission I had thirsted for that kind of knowledge, learning new chemistry, reading papers, working alone didn't bother me, I probably wouldn't have even attempted being friendly. But now I'm different. They told me with their voices how much they needed me, but at the end of the day I felt completely useless.

Maybe I've just lost my knack for chemistry, or maybe I've just lost my knack for dis-valuing myself, but I couldn't stay there. I'm good at chemistry, but they didn't let me show that cause they gave me something completely out of my pay range a research paper that I'm supposed to understand and come up with ideas for experiments from. The thing I felt was most undervalued though was the thing I've learned to value in myself the most: the way I connect with people. It's been a long time since O. Chem. I don't remember the steps of hydrolysis or a condensation reaction, and I don't remember the terms I learned two years ago, but I like myself and I value myself. The whole atmosphere there wasn't a good one for me. I was alone, I felt dumb, I was embarrassed for trying to be friendly. When I left, I walked out still pretending I was fine. I started walking home then stopped at the park. I just sat down, took off my shoes, pulled out my lunch which I hadn't taken time to eat, and started to cry. 

I was pretty sure that I was stuck at a job that I already hated, but had to find a bright side because it was a job, it worked with my schedule, paid well, and looked good on a resume. The way I was feeling though wasn't the way you feel when you can find a bright side. 

The next day I went to the clinic I volunteer at. I got to work in the back and go to work in scrubs for the first time. The morning there was really fun. I got to do regular medical assistant duties, taking blood pressure, doing glucose tests, even cleaning the wax out of someone's ears. It was all so fun, and interactive with patients and I felt like I was helping people out as well as getting to talk to them. After my shift ended I was getting ready to go to my job at the lab. After the amazing morning working at the clinic I really dreaded going to work. I already was hoping to find a different job so I could quit the lab one, but after going to the clinic I couldn't make myself go back to that place, so I did something I've never done before, I quit my job. I didn't have anything else lined up, there was no reason I can put on an application, but I just quit because I wasn't about to buy into the idea that I'm not worth anything.

So, this is where I'm at. I'm out of a job, I did get a job lined up at a call center though. It pays well and has hours that are flexible with my schedule so my classes can come first. It's not prestigious at all, but it's a job and I'd rather be at a low-grade call center than working for a place that makes me feel bad about myself.

If I look at my goals: Get into medical school, become a doctor, help people, I don't need a position in a chemistry lab as much as I need self confidence and self value to achieve those. I don't need a degree in chemistry as much as I need to be ready for the MCAT and get a good score on that. I'll get an internship for another research lab this summer. I might have overreacted at the lab, if I stayed for a week or so I probably could have started to feel valued, but I couldn't wait that long, my time is too precious. I mean, I have to write these blog posts. ;)
8/12/16