Child

I am so confused.
Who the heck am I?
I went to Turkey and I felt free!
I felt like I could finally be myself
From the plan to the execution
Every step
The colors and flowers
Shops and beaches
The patterns and tiles
Mystical religion and history
The countryside farms
And customs and food
It all felt like I fit there
It felt too good to be true
But I wanted it all
Even the dark side
I wanted to know everything
And speak and look and act like
I had found my home
But mostly, I thought the adventure
Had shown me who I truly was

Then I got home
And the contrast was stark
Everyone was still treading in gray
And my energized, everlasting vista
Suddenly became a thing of the past
Until I questioned if it had been real
But my fantasy, threw me a life line
And let me stay tethered
to my Turkish dream
I tried to keep it up
learning words, phrases, politics
But there's a lot I have to learn
And there were two weeks I had to repay
And I remembered the horror I had fled
And the prison of my life
I wondered how I had survived in this
I questioned if I would again

but by 5 days past, I've turned full circle
And now I'm looking back
I'm questioning why I ever left
I'm wondering who I thought I was
Because the me I need is frugal and safe
I don't leave things undone or work unchecked
And I map my goals and slowly proceed
But my future looks slippery
And it's stressing me out
I'm starting to regret what I did in a rush
I don't know what I was thinking,
Going to Turkey?
I don't know who in the world I thought I was
Cause I see that it's ridiculous
I was living in dreams
Reality is back and I'm regretting my leave

But I look to the past at my book
And see the joy and love I felt
My heart was alive and my walls down for a rest
How could I regret something so precious?
How could I regret feeling like a different person?
And I'm asking, who is that person?
We liked her, all the voices in my head agree
But she would never make it in this world
This world of competition and deadlines
and money and rush
of stigma and judging
and never ending work
She would die and fail and be trampled upon
So we keep her hidden and safe
In Turkish dreams
The cinderella of my life
The window of my soul
The smile of my heart
We'll put away that carefree child
And realize, she's still there, but mother has taken over
The adult is back and that's where she belongs

So the question isn't who am I?
The question is, who was I able to fully let out
and give control to while I was in Turkey?
Who was that fearless, childlike dancer?
I think my Turkish love gave me a clue
The way he spelled my name held the answer
Melike. The emperor's wife.
Makelle. The name with a Turkish meaning
That's who I was in Turkey
But that's not who I am now.
I am the warrior, the fighter, the academic
I am no longer a child.
And I am no longer a lover.

Bad Ending

Sometimes things have to end badly
Sometimes you can't leave any hope
Sometimes you have to stop yourself
From reaching out, and let the ball drop

Sometimes it's better to let him be mad
Cause that means you're finally through
And you can move away, and you can move on,
Finally do what you were meant to do

He's mad and steaming but you're justified
Cause you know he's been misinformed
If you apologized, you could set him right
But this is better for him and for you

And hearing his cries and curses and pain
Yeah, it cuts you right where it hurts
To see the man you thought you had loved
Turning cold, reaching out, and reverse

But he's had it with the back and forth
He finally sees the losing game
Covers up pain with rage, stuck in his cage
You turn away, can't watch anymore

But every one of us goes through this
Though he feels it stronger than most
And you know he'll emerge with time's healing
Unchanged for the better or worse

I thought he was the one that would change me
I thought he was the one I could choose
But he wanted control and wouldn't let go
And I pushed and pulled and strained for a break
I needed my time and I needed my space
And the games we played, only temporary I knew
Cause I thought, I'd come back, like I'd always come back

But he took it too far and he said no more games
And he didn't trust me enough to take care of his pain
The doctor, the sociopath, who just wanted one more
Jealousy sent him in a spin, running for the door

And then I let him go and I let him leave
Cause I knew there was no way he would believe
And when I sat down and thought it all through
I realized I didn't believe it either, so there's nothing to do

The weeks of tearing apart every word that I said
And weeks of jealousy, blame, rage, and respite
I didn't want anymore, didn't care for the taste
Had all I could take and was good for the night

And now the whole thing is over, and that's fine by me
I don't want to see him, or hear him or get him to leave
He can finally move on, and so can I
We've slammed that door shut, fully closed, let it be

Sometimes things have to end badly
Sometimes people don't give you any hope
And sometimes you accept it as part of life
Move on, looking past, and find the growth

Military ID

I just had the WORST picture of my life. I thought that my passport picture was the worst, or maybe the half-asleep, jet lagged, shell shocked picture that was taken at the Mongolian immigration office after a 24 hour journey from Provo, UT was the worst, but at least in those pictures I had my hair down and I tried to fake a closed-lip smile. This one was all dead eyes, pasty skin, and tight bun. It's hideous and I hope no one I know will EVER see it.
I'm so mad too, cause it was an important picture! It was for my CAC card and I was really excited to get it because military ID is super beneficial! There are so many perks everywhere for active duty military, but I think I'll pass on all of them because holy Hannah, that picture is horrible!
So, now that the awful experience is over, I definitely have some advice for myself and anyone else that goes to take a military ID picture- practice not looking like a zombie in the mirror before you go!!
Now that I think about it, after I had the bad passport picture experience, I practiced for my visa picture, and in that one I look like a babe! So it works, just take five seconds and figure out how to hold your face in a way that makes it look semi-normal before a passport, military ID, or visa picture is taken, because those are important pictures that will be around for a while.
My one condolence is that the ID expires in 2022. That means only 3 more years til I can have another shot and you'd better believe I will be ready for that one.

I'm Done

I am so done!

I'm done with dressing up

And holding my breath

I'm done with trying so hard

Fashioning texts,

Playing your games

Wondering what's next

You're always around the corner

Moving on without telling me

I say the wrong thing

Or so it seems

I don't know what's in your head

And I'm sick of trying to guess

I don't need your approval or your redress

I'm going to love someone who loves me back

Finally move on, off this circular track

Cause I don't need this stupid charade

I have a life, hobbies, and friends

My future is made

I'll love my triathlons

I'll love cooking alone

I'll love med school 

And research, 

And chilling at home

If you want to call me, I'll leave that to you

Because I'm done thinking and fretting

And turning myself blue

You have a million different options

And I don't have to be one

Dating, loving, and chasing

I've had enough, now I'm done.

Funerals

It's a funeral weekend

The family is gathering

The preparations being made

And I'm pulling out my black dress

I should be mourning

I should be feeling sad 

For the man who never had a chance

And suffered for so long

But my head is in a different place

And my heart is breaking for someone else

And there's a question that 

Can't quite leave me alone

Can this really be goodbye? 

Are we really done?

Why the heck did you put me in this spot?

Why did it have to be all or none?

I've spent my life drowning 

in waters of black and white thinking

Now you've done it, you made me choose

and I did what I had to.

But all I want right now

Is for the time to reverse

To the times when I didn't have to think so hard

To the times we just let love run its course

I want to go back to August 

When you said, I didn't have to choose

You hushed my fears, took me as I was

And promised there'd be nothing to lose

I want to go back to September

When you took me camping on a date

I caught my first fish, had our second first kiss

And got home a little too late

I want to go back to October

Everything was happening so fast,

But I trusted you, haunted house and all, :P

Thought this love would be my last

Even in November, 

when the world was open wide

12 weeks til we're clean 

and you promised you'd be, forever by my side

But then came December

I don't want to remember that month

With my doubts, crushed hopes and promises 

Shattered more than once

And January was supposed to be new

Forget what was broken, forget what was said

Make new habits, boundaries, 

and begin again

But that demon fate, put in a word of his own

He made bad seem even worse

All weakness flaunted, sore spots jaunted

Fires lit, left no time for remorse

And the time came for us to take final count

He surrendered the keys for my taking

The emotional charge raised the stakes way too high

And I took those keys, smiling and faking

Then the smile faded and I keep wringing my hands

Trying to see if it all was worth it

I'm thinking in circles, and all around him

Both parties did wrong, we deserve this

We pumped this up

We pressured and pimped

He bought a ring

And I held it all in

He crossed a line

I crossed it back

He saw my secrets

I saw him crack

We both saw each other in a dramatized new

Where anger and fear led us to do

Things we wished we wouldn't 

And say words we thought we couldn't

He manipulated and pushed

I withdrew and crushed

We were selfish, I can say it

We were catty and I hate it

But now the dust has settled

And we're on different sides

I can think a little clearer

And see where truth resides

Hindsight has a funny way of teaching

It makes all things look silly and small

Because when I think back on September

I realize nothing has changed at all

Now my calendar says six weeks 

Til you can marry Kyle cause you're clean

And I wish we could go back to when we had good sense

And see what that could mean

I don't understand

What happens when you get to the point where you just want someone to love? I'm to that point. I want someone to do sweet things to. I want someone I can relax with. I want someone to trust and hold and confide in. I've wanted that my whole life. A best friend. A partner. I want to get married so bad. I love Kyle. Why can't I just marry him?

I don't understand what is so wrong with wanting that.

I know I would be good to him. I know I would be good to our family. It's something I've dreamed about for so long. Before I dreamed of being a doctor or a scientist, or even a teacher, I just wanted to be a mom. Why can't I just have that? He was offering me that.

Why do I have to constantly be pushing for something more and something better. Why do I feel like I'm supposed to be the one to be better than my parents, to be better than the town I grew up in? I love that town. I love my family. They have everything I want, they are everything I want to be, what I've always wanted to be.

But there's that stupid voice inside my head that keeps telling me I can do better, that I should do better. It pushed away Yannick, and it pushed me to medical school and away from pediatrics and into ortho and it pushed me away from Kyle. And you know what? I'm sick of the pushing. I just want someone to love me for who I am now, not who I am supposed to be. I just want to stop and say this is enough, this is as far as I am going to go. Because where does it get me?

Where does that push for prestige, for honor and acclaim, for the perfect house and resume, and body and testimony, for the neighbors and teachers to say "wow, she really made something of herself", where does it all lead me?

It leads me to where I am now and where I always find myself. Alone, and crying in my bed, pretending that I am alright and that this is how I want things to be, because that is what the voice has always told me to say.

And I know the only way out is to stop. To just say it, that I'm done listening. I know that's the only way I'll stop the madness. But I can't. I can't let down all those people. It's just way too late. This is who I am, this is who I've chosen to be. These are the friends I have made, the persona I have projected, and it's too late.

I gave up on Yannick, I gave up on Kyle. I gave up. I gave them up. I looked at them, the two men who loved me more than any in the world, I looked at them and said no, I can do better. And I turned my back on them and I told them to leave, and it's too late and it will always be too late.

Inside Out

Your friends told you to leave

Your mom told you to be strong

But you kept holding on 

To the love you always dreamed of

And never thought you would have

You're a dreamer at heart

Always holding on way too hard

You shouldn't have watched all of the films

or sang along to those songs

Because the song on the radio 

Is now the one in your heart

That stupid movie, the Notebook 

It's consuming all of your thoughts

And you're wishing and wishing

Life would turn out like it does in the movies

But you remember a song telling you 

To lift up your head, 

get a hold on your life

He isn't perfect, and you won't be his wife

And you remember where you heard it

But you know every closed door opens a window

So let go of him sweetie, 

He's not good for you

Let go of him darling

You're worrying enough for two

What you're doing right now 

isn't good for anyone anyway

And when he comes to your room

Like he does in your dreams

Instead of kissing him softly

Get ahold of your strength

Let him know where you stand 

and that you really believe

Life isn't like what you see in the movies

Someday you'll move on

And someday you'll grow

He'll be happy and you'll see

You were right to say no

Because life will be better than what you see in the movies

It hurts in here

It's lonely and it's hot

And it hurts in here

My heart is breaking 

My head is shaking

I'm trying to undo everything I just said

I'm trying to bring the living back from the dead

I have a thousand things to tell him 

And I want him to hear every one.

I love him and I'll love him

For the rest of my life

I love him and I'll love him

One chance, I'll be his wife

I just want you here 

To tell you about my day

I just want you here 

to kiss and hug and play

I want to hear your dumb jokes,

I want to make you dinner

I want you here because without you

Everything seems a little dimmer

I want to wish you happy birthday

I want to get down and a little dirty

Your present was all picked out

So why aren't you here to unwrap it?

And what I'm saying is not poetic

But it's an emotional plea

I can't hold it together, living logically

Because my head isn't working

And my ears aren't hearing

Anything but the Taylor Swift song

Singing I can't live without you, 

I can't live without you, Baby

So come back, please come back

In whatever form you want

Just be part of my life, 

Give me one more chance

Don't leave me in the dark

I can't live without you with this broken heart