This was written while
I was a new missionary in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia in June 2015.
My Conversion Story
My conversion story is a lifelong
conversion story. I was born under the covenant. My immediate family and many
extended family members are members of the church. The first time I prayed I
was maybe 2 years old. I don’t even remember it. I was baptized when I was
eight and at that time I believed in God and Jesus. I remember in my baptismal
interview my bishop asked me and I could answer that I believed and I wanted to
be baptized. After that, I continued going to primary and young women’s classes,
through that time I had experiences of prayers being answered. I read the Book
of Mormon when I was ten and prayed about it. I prayed about Joseph Smith and I
still remember the clear answer that came to me, that I already knew the truth,
that he was a prophet. When I took seminary I read the New Testament and Book
of Mormon again and continued praying and attending church.
It was during high school when I
started questioning my testimony. I recognized I knew nothing other than life
in the church. I sometimes wished I could have been like my mom who met with
missionaries and chose on her own to be baptized when she was 20, because that way
I’d know for sure it was my right choice. That time I started on my journey of
my adult conversion. Throughout high school and college I studied the
scriptures off and on. I went in and out of the habit to pray. When I did my
callings I did them grudgingly and I complained about and broke some
commandments. I still went to church though and still felt I believed in what
I’d learned as a child.
When the age change for
missionaries came out I was excited along with my friends at the prospect of
going on a mission. At the time I started preparing for one though, my
conversion wasn’t deep enough and I let other things become more important to
me and eventually started opposing the idea. At that time I also met my
previous boyfriend. He wasn’t a member of the church and I knew I shouldn’t
date him, but like I had before, I put my own interests before the advice of
prophets and parents and dated him anyway. He was everything I thought I wanted
in a husband. I fell in love. Eventually he asked me what he’d have to do to
get me to marry him.
I was torn. I wanted to marry him,
but my family was very opposed to me even dating him. My parents talked to me
over and over again about the wrong path I was going down. When they talked to
me, when I went to church, I felt deep in my heart that they were right. But I
wanted to marry him and I was used to doing what I wanted. It was a hard time
for me. I felt pulled in different directions. At that critical time I wasn’t
doing the things to help me feel the spirit. I started distancing myself from
my family, I started making bad choices and I was spending more and more of my
time with my boyfriend and friends whose
standards were much lower than mine. Then one morning after a night of fun with
my new friends and more lectures from my parents I realized I was completely
lost.
I was trying to serve two masters and Satan
was obviously the only one winning. I felt the weight of guilt and shame that
comes from sin and I just broke under it all. I went sobbing to my parents. Leading
up to that I had spent although I thought I was very happy there was a part of
me that couldn’t relax. I realized what I was doing would have eternal
consequences. During our dating period I had lowered my standards as I spent
time with him and his friends. The guilt and loss of the spirit from some of my
actions made my decision even harder to make as I had distanced myself from God
so much I was even wondering sometimes if He even existed.
However, in those extremely
difficult weeks of decision when I had to choose to marry him or stay with the
faith of my childhood, what I remembered was the Book of Mormon. I knew I had
felt the power from that book. I knew the history of it. Although I had
convinced myself of explanations to deny everything else I believe in, I
couldn’t for the Book of Mormon. I knew what it contained was true and that it
couldn’t have come about without God’s hand in it.
Because of that knowledge I made
the hardest choice in my life. I broke up with my boyfriend and watched him
move to a different state for work without me. After he left I went through the
difficult process of repentance. I started to read my scriptures and prayed
every day without missing once. Even though I was feeling immense relief and
joy from having the spirit in my life again, there were days when I missed him
so much I was for sure I had made the wrong choice. In these times, I tried to
turn to God for reassurance.
Months passed and I started
thinking about serving a mission. I was hoping by serving it would help me to
move on and stop missing him. I knew the choice I had made to break up was
right, but I still loved and missed my old boyfriend. I figured if I went on a
mission that when I came back I would know how to help him come unto Christ and
I could share the gospel with him. I prayed about going on a mission and
finally one night I got a strong impression it was right. The next day however,
my life changed again as I learned that my ex-boyfriend had been killed in an
accident.
I was devastated. I had never felt
that much pain or loss before in my life. Unlike the people I’d loved who’d
passed away before this, my boyfriend wasn’t a member, he hadn’t lived
according to the gospel, he hadn’t gone to the temple, and we weren’t sealed or
officially connected in any way. I didn’t have all of those things to comfort
me, or give me the hope of being with him again. All I felt was loss and
despair and that I would never see him again in this life or the next. I didn’t
know what would happen to him.
In those first few days I
questioned my decision of not marrying him, I questioned everything and yet
each question was answered by the feeling that underneath the soul crushing
sadness at least God was still there. I turned to God and poured out my soul to
Him, this time in my life knowing I was living exactly within His commandments gave
me the ability to trust that although I might not be happy, God was still over
all things. That was when I felt that my conversion to this point of my life
was complete. I had given up the man I loved forever for the chance to live
according to God’s commandments. And from that, a few days later a miracle
happened. God answered my pleas for help in a way I didn’t expect. My grief was
swept away by the revelation I received. The answer was simple and straight to
the point. And with the answer there was no doubt in my mind that God was over
all things, my ex boyfriend was one of his sons, and both of us would be happy
one day.
After my personal revelation, my
heart was filled with gratitude to God and faith in the reality of the
Atonement which made it possible for Christ to succor me according to my exact
needs at that time.
I began to work on mission papers.
Within a month I had submitted and received a call to the Mongolia, Ulaanbaatar
mission. I knew the answer to my questions about serving a mission was real and
that I needed to stand by the prompting I received before I found out about my
friend’s death. I’m now a missionary and
I’ve continued to deepen my conversion through study and service. Everything
I’d learned and felt as a child, a teenager, during the repentance process,
during the grieving process and now what I teach and study, all strengthen and
deepen my testimony and understanding of the gospel. I’m not even close to
becoming a saint through Christ, but I think I’m finally on the path and I
think that the decisions I’ve made based on the knowledge I’ve gained through
my life are leading me to being truly converted.
