Yesterday was the first
time I felt frustrated with the person I'm dating. We've started spending a lot
of time together, he's held my hand, we've spent time with each others' family,
but the thing is this, we haven't talked about the relationship or how we feel
about each other, once. Not once. I've hinted but not brought it up outright,
and every time I hint (over text-I know, I'm a coward) Josh lets me know that
we're good, that he wants to talk about things, but wants to do it in person,
that he likes open communication, and I tell him it's fine, I'm not in a hurry,
in person is good, whenever he's ready.
And I'm not in a hurry
for a commitment. Despite everyone thinking that we're dating officially, I
don't care if we call it anything or not. But, what I do want to know is how he
really feels about me; and I want to know if this actually might go somewhere.
Again though, I don't care if it doesn't. I just need to know what he's
thinking. And I know he likes me, I know he does because of his actions. He's
adorable, so sweet. He's always a gentleman. But, the thing is, I don't want to
push him. I don't want him to feel like he has to do stuff for me and ask me
out, and spend all of his time with me, or buy me flowers, or pay for me. He's
doing this stuff and I think it's because he likes me, but what if he just
likes the idea of me? He tells me his family likes me, and he has a brother and
a sister that are both engaged, so why not jump on the engagement train?
But, the thing is, I
don't believe that's why he's doing these things. I don't think he would hold
my hand or take me out if he didn't like me. But, I just want us to talk. Because
I still feel like an idiot even talking to him about stuff, and I want us to
build an emotional connection, but I'm not going to puke out a whole bunch of
emotional baggage/crap to try to force that. I want things to happen naturally,
but this is not natural. Our communication has gone down the tubes, and I'm
sick of it.
It's my fault. I keep
waiting for him to bring up the subject, and I feel like I need to let him
lead, and make all of the moves, but I don't have to do that. I can ask
questions, and bring up the conversation. So far I've just been stubborn and
dumb because in the past I've never brought up anything about the relationship
with any of the other boys I dated; they always brought it up before I needed
to. But in this case, I'm ready to talk about it, and I haven't. And that is
causing me a lot of stress. It's okay for me to bring it up. I'm not ashamed of
the way I feel, and I'm okay with expressing that. If he doesn't feel the same
way, then I want to know what he's feeling, what he's thinking.
And it's not because I
want to know if I have a chance or if I should kill the relationship because
other guys have been showing interest and even asking me out. I know that's
nice, and I know I could date them if I wanted to, but I want to date Josh. I
think he's the most wonderful person I've been around, and I want things to
work with us. I'll be the communicator if that's what he needs, I'll bring
things up. Because if I really were to be consistent, then I would bring it up,
I would show that I'm a functioning and capable adult in this case like in any
other. I wouldn't hide from the issue, or feel awkward about it, or feel like I
couldn't express myself because he wasn't letting me. I like Josh, and maybe
I'm finally feeling what most girls feel about a guy, because I'm willing to
bring up the DTR even though that breaks my cardinal rule of dating. Because
I've given all I'm going to give up to this point, and if Josh doesn't want to
go further than this, that's where we'll stop.
