Unsafe

So, I know I shouldn't be doing this, writing a Blog that is, because right now I am really stressed out because of the many many things I need to do. I have a biochemistry test tomorrow, and a cell biology test the next day. My last biochemistry test went horribly I got a 76% on it. And I really need to do better on this test so I can possibly get an A minus in the class. However, I need to take a little break and write about how I'm feeling because if I don't, I might do something irrational. Today was a weird day. I had one of the biggest scares since getting home from my mission. It wasn't even that big of a deal I wasn't in any danger, but my sense of security was really shaken. If anyone knew what actually happened they would probably laugh but for me for some reason I was really scared. Now this probably seems completely unrelated to that but today also I've really just been wanting someone to just hold me and wrap me up in big strong arms. I know that when I get stressed out I usually turn to a boy and I have been trying to find different coping mechanisms. Usually there is some social need that is not being met that if I hang out with my family or other friends I can usually meet that and I feel better, but sometimes like today, that doesn't really work. Sometimes like today, I really just want somebody to hold me and protect me and tell me everything will be ok. I can have all of the girl friends in the world, but they can't give that to me. I think I am just being very hormonal because lately too, despite going to social events and talking to my parents I just feel lonely. But I don't want to need a guy in my life to feel ok. Sometimes though, I just think that would be easier. One of the toughest things I think for me is knowing how to balance that, wanting to feel protected and safe and loved in a romantic, committed way, and then just being okay alone.

 Ever since experiencing the death of a loved one, I have just felt kind of fragile. Anything to do with death or pain or accidents scares me a lot. I hear about people having cancer or people losing a child to an illness or accident and I will burst into tears or  get all shaky and wonder what the point is of loving others is if they are just going to die and we'll possibly lose them. I know with my eternal perspective I shouldn't think that way, but I don't want to feel that pain again that I did with Yannick. And sometimes I just want to play it safe and sometimes I just want to feel safe.

Well, I guess that pretty much is how I'm feeling. I'm going to go study now.

Another Grief Expression

I miss the tickle fights we had. As weird as it sounds I miss when he would give me a little spank when I was being a tease. I miss just walking to our cars after studying or after class, holding hands. He was probably thinking about what we had just learned, but once I was out in the fall air with him I quit thinking, quit concentrating and just let myself feel. Sometimes now I get so caught up in my studies, I only focus on the subject I've been learning whether I'm outside or inside, with people or alone, it doesn't matter cause I'm in my own world of focus. But with him it wasn't like that, I was finally aware, I could finally relax and let go and not have to be so logical and planning about everything. That's what I miss the most about him, was just the security I felt. I wasn't building up walls or backup plans or ways to get along alone anymore. I let myself believe that I wasn't the only one working for a future. My future and his future became one. We were a team and I trusted him. I really trusted him, like I had never trusted someone before. It felt good to be vulnerable because I really believed that he would take care of me and I knew I would make him proud. I would help him and be there tearing up my own field while he was steadily and confidently rising in his. I really liked that about him. He was such a rock, and he let me be his partner. We were completely different, but perfectly in sync, complementary. I know that kind of evenness was special, and I'm okay with realizing that it won't be exactly like that again with someone else. It'll be good, but it'll be different. That special partnership we had, that feeling, it was just Yannick's. And I  feel privileged to have had that with him. I don't miss it, because I know it is not only gone with him, but also with my old self, but I am just grateful to have known that feeling and to have learned more about love from that. I miss holding his hand, and tickling him and an occasional spank because I know those things can come back and I'll have those again with someone else, but that feeling is something I won't have again which is why rather than missing it, I hold it in my heart in a sacred place.

Turning back

I'm heading back, I'm turning back fast
People ask me every day
All this fear and apprehension
Stay within me, please, I pray.

I'm not scared of all the free time,
Or feeling lost, I have a plan
I'm afraid of seeing one face
Mirage of distant eternal man.

My sailor went to sea midst fighting
Never came back to see the peace
Took my heart, my pain, my envy,
Then returned a ghost of bliss.

Haunting in the place we traveled
I can't bear to know he's gone
When I return to life's old quiet
everyone else will have moved on.

I tell myself that I moved on too
These 18 months have changed my heart
But in the rare, quiet minutes
The fire burns, the tears will start.

In this dry and dirty country
Far shielded from friends and ghosts
Rivers changed to desert trickle
Lightning changed to coals at most.

It's easy to lose and leave myself
I feel joy undimmed by tears
But I'm heading back, I'm turning back fast
Back to struggles of past years.

When I get there what will life be,
Can I keep my heart intact?
Can I give it to another,
And face my fear of going back.

5.16.16

Marathon

This marathon is ending,
but the miles are not done.
Each one's harder than before,
I'm barely holding on.
I know my body's at it's strongest
but it's tried, about to break.
2 more miles til it's over
barely there, hang on, just wait.
One footstep and one day,
just take it as it comes.
I know you're tired and want to quit,
but this is the best part of the run.
Ten more meters, one more block,
little goals that you can meet.
You can hear your family cheering
and people lining up in the street.
Makelle, you're doing wonderful,
push harder, we know you can.
this is where the time counts the most,
one more hill and then you're done.
5.19.16

My addiction

The thing I crave
tears me down from within
gives me strength
then my head starts to spin
too much too strong
the dose from a friend
and now I can't stop
I go til the end
I tell this devil
to leave me alone
but I want him back
I don't want to come down
I stay in the bubble
feel the buzz and the glow
but my strength is leaving
and finally I go
I wait it out
cold and weak without sleep
waiting for morning
and the danger I keep.
5.26.16

The Past

The past is there, my phantom, my devil.
I've run far away from all my past evil.
People may say that's not who I am,
All they see is now.
But past predicts future, and to my past some will bow.
I wish it weren't there, that burden of guilt.
I know it's forgiven by him, the one to whom I knelt.
Yet to some I must tell, all will
l be revealed.
And from them especially I've kept this concealed.
So many friends pure, white as the snow
Their life's ease and happiness I'd give anything to know.
5.20.16

Heaven

Heaven, what is heaven?
Heaven is a moment.
The sensation of return,
Of welcome back to familiar arms,
After a long night of separation
Heaven is letting go
Stepping away from the rush
And deadlines and hurry
And lists of never-end
Heaven is music.
Of strumming  and calm
Or crescendoing up to a hold
Even the crash and throbbing of bass
That's heaven.
But extend that moment
And the moment is gone
Add a future and the moment seems long
And boring and bland
See, heaven is a moment
Pure and alone
Contrast is needed for heaven
5.17.16