I don't understand

What happens when you get to the point where you just want someone to love? I'm to that point. I want someone to do sweet things to. I want someone I can relax with. I want someone to trust and hold and confide in. I've wanted that my whole life. A best friend. A partner. I want to get married so bad. I love Kyle. Why can't I just marry him?

I don't understand what is so wrong with wanting that.

I know I would be good to him. I know I would be good to our family. It's something I've dreamed about for so long. Before I dreamed of being a doctor or a scientist, or even a teacher, I just wanted to be a mom. Why can't I just have that? He was offering me that.

Why do I have to constantly be pushing for something more and something better. Why do I feel like I'm supposed to be the one to be better than my parents, to be better than the town I grew up in? I love that town. I love my family. They have everything I want, they are everything I want to be, what I've always wanted to be.

But there's that stupid voice inside my head that keeps telling me I can do better, that I should do better. It pushed away Yannick, and it pushed me to medical school and away from pediatrics and into ortho and it pushed me away from Kyle. And you know what? I'm sick of the pushing. I just want someone to love me for who I am now, not who I am supposed to be. I just want to stop and say this is enough, this is as far as I am going to go. Because where does it get me?

Where does that push for prestige, for honor and acclaim, for the perfect house and resume, and body and testimony, for the neighbors and teachers to say "wow, she really made something of herself", where does it all lead me?

It leads me to where I am now and where I always find myself. Alone, and crying in my bed, pretending that I am alright and that this is how I want things to be, because that is what the voice has always told me to say.

And I know the only way out is to stop. To just say it, that I'm done listening. I know that's the only way I'll stop the madness. But I can't. I can't let down all those people. It's just way too late. This is who I am, this is who I've chosen to be. These are the friends I have made, the persona I have projected, and it's too late.

I gave up on Yannick, I gave up on Kyle. I gave up. I gave them up. I looked at them, the two men who loved me more than any in the world, I looked at them and said no, I can do better. And I turned my back on them and I told them to leave, and it's too late and it will always be too late.

Inside Out

Your friends told you to leave

Your mom told you to be strong

But you kept holding on 

To the love you always dreamed of

And never thought you would have

You're a dreamer at heart

Always holding on way too hard

You shouldn't have watched all of the films

or sang along to those songs

Because the song on the radio 

Is now the one in your heart

That stupid movie, the Notebook 

It's consuming all of your thoughts

And you're wishing and wishing

Life would turn out like it does in the movies

But you remember a song telling you 

To lift up your head, 

get a hold on your life

He isn't perfect, and you won't be his wife

And you remember where you heard it

But you know every closed door opens a window

So let go of him sweetie, 

He's not good for you

Let go of him darling

You're worrying enough for two

What you're doing right now 

isn't good for anyone anyway

And when he comes to your room

Like he does in your dreams

Instead of kissing him softly

Get ahold of your strength

Let him know where you stand 

and that you really believe

Life isn't like what you see in the movies

Someday you'll move on

And someday you'll grow

He'll be happy and you'll see

You were right to say no

Because life will be better than what you see in the movies

It hurts in here

It's lonely and it's hot

And it hurts in here

My heart is breaking 

My head is shaking

I'm trying to undo everything I just said

I'm trying to bring the living back from the dead

I have a thousand things to tell him 

And I want him to hear every one.

I love him and I'll love him

For the rest of my life

I love him and I'll love him

One chance, I'll be his wife

I just want you here 

To tell you about my day

I just want you here 

to kiss and hug and play

I want to hear your dumb jokes,

I want to make you dinner

I want you here because without you

Everything seems a little dimmer

I want to wish you happy birthday

I want to get down and a little dirty

Your present was all picked out

So why aren't you here to unwrap it?

And what I'm saying is not poetic

But it's an emotional plea

I can't hold it together, living logically

Because my head isn't working

And my ears aren't hearing

Anything but the Taylor Swift song

Singing I can't live without you, 

I can't live without you, Baby

So come back, please come back

In whatever form you want

Just be part of my life, 

Give me one more chance

Don't leave me in the dark

I can't live without you with this broken heart

Favorite Country Songs--To Be Continued

I can't rank these, and some probably don't belong on this list, but these are my favorite right now

1. God Bless the Broken Road--Rascal Flatts
Definitely the most romantic (and very cliche) song ever. I love it though cause it reminds me that every heartbreak is just one step closer to the person I'll be with forever. Thinking back on all my heartbreaks, that guy I end up with is going to be something really special.

2. In Case You Didn't Know--Brett Young
This is how I feel 99% of the time. For whatever reason, it's just hard to tell people that I care about them. Unrequited love, complicated love, just plain shyness, this is the song that speaks all of the words in my heart. I have definitely sung karaoke to this in my bedroom at 11 o'clock on a Friday night.

3. Highway Don't Care--Tim McGraw
So many of the things I turn to for comfort are just things. They're ideas, ideals, ambitions, but at the end of the day, most of them are empty without someone to share it with. It's easy to run away, to drive fast, find something to give you a high, it's hard to face the person you love and work through the problems. I love the doctor in the music video. That's the way I'll care about the runaways, the people who feel rejected and lost, who only have the highway to turn to. I'll stitch them back up, and maybe they'll learn that people are the most important part of life.

4. What Ifs--Kane Brown
Gosh, this is so true!!!! Everything is a what-if and it's ridiculous! Kane Brown is SO sexy in this song though because he gets that this girl is scared, but he's so dang confident and yeah he's probably afraid too, but he doesn't show it for a second. He takes that fear she has and basically blows it all off cause he's got it covered. He'll take care of it, he'll take care of her and be the strong one. He doesn't flinch once. Ahhh I love it. That's what I want, that's what every girl wants, is to have someone tell you that you don't need to be afraid and show you that they aren't afraid.

5. She's Everything--Brad Paisley

6. You Should Be Here--Cole Swindell

7. This Is It--Scotty McCreery

8. Take It From Me--Jordan Davis

9. We Got It--Granger Smith (music video)

Bury it

Bury your feelings
Bury them
Get them out of my sight
I can't hear you now
I can't see you
You don't exist
I buried you
And you blew me a kiss
I hated you
And you gave me your thanks
Get out of my house
Get out of my head
The monsters of my present and past
Lurking in the cold corners
I said get out.
I see my crisp cut lawn
I see the line of white houses
And fake fantasy of bliss
I see the jail I succumb to
The feelings I have now
Are the ones I've grown to hate
And I've hated myself for
The ruby red blood
My favorite color of pain
The wine I won't drink
The grasp of bright passion
I love the smell of it
I love the thrill of it
It's deep and it cuts
Like a surgeon's straight line
And I shove it down even further
But I want him.

Not Ready

That moment when you look at someone
and realize they're better than you
They're smarter than you
They're sweeter and stronger
and kinder than you.

That moment when you look at someone
and realize you don't deserve them
you're not good enough
for their beauty and charm and wit,
but mostly for their love.

That moment when you love someone
who's too good for you
who's too good to you
and they don't even recognize
the imbalance

That's the moment when you look at someone
and you see two roads,
and you have to decide on the one you will take
and you hate yourself and you're afraid
because neither one is a guaranteed thing

One road is short
It's wide open and easy
You've been down that road many times before
It runs away from the person you love
It's all down hill, to a small pond
Where you are the biggest fish

The other road is a mystery
And that's all there is to it.
It requires trust and time,
It's long, and you don't know
what lies along it, or at the end

And the choice seems easy
And you decide which road you want to take
But you can't see the person you loved
Because they left on that road hours ago
and you still hate yourself for not being ready

But you step onto the path knowing
That what's at the end, or along the way, in the middle
will always be better than a fish pond

The Vow

I remember a vow
I took with a friend
We said no more guys
that couldn't work out in the end

We promised each other
and pinky swore
We committed to sainthood
But hoped for something more

Then we parted ways
And I met my first match
An old spark that shone bright
And wanted to catch

I said no and he reasoned,
I said no and he fled
But my heart was heavy
As I cried in my bed

He was a 4 on the checklist
but perfect 10 in my heart
And despite my best judgement,
I let the fling start

But I was torn all along
Because 4 was not 10
My parents constantly reminded me
of the pact with my friend

And I struggled and failed
dissonance ringing again
When I gave too much of myself
And took too much in return

I found some things never change
Some lessons I never learn,
and I got to the point,
it was time for the burn

It came like a storm
Angry and fast
All things perfect and pretty
Destroyed by the blast

I cut him deep
before he hurt me
But the storm cleared up
I had a moment to see

What I saw was a chance
Things didn't have to be this way
I was the 4 and with help,
could be a 10 someday

I came up with a plan
Finally seeing the light
I was the happiest I had been
And slept soundly that night

I woke up with a smile,
Stretched and checked my phone
My smile turned into grief
When his true feelings were known

8 pages of text,
berating and cold
hateful and hurting
"It's over" in bold

The wound had reopened
Forgiveness turned back to deep pain
I had to fix this and would
I prayed one last chance still remained

I put it all out on the table
realizing what I had and could lose
I begged in my heart his forgiveness,
and left it up to him to choose

Then the clouds cleared and the sun shone
I cried when he chose me
I knew then and there
how much we could be someday

But we weren't done with confessing
and this time, his turn
The words stopped my heart
and made my insides churn

I couldn't look at him, I couldn't breathe
A trust so sacred, was broken
And I ran away, far and fast
While on tears I was choking

And I ran and I cried
ignored his attempt to close the door
Went to school and I sat
Trying to not cry any more

But the anger was there,
betrayal and hurt replaced the sun
the devastating act, stung like a burn
It couldn't be undone.

And I couldn't forgive,
and I can't let go
He didn't know what he did
didn't know the strength of the blow

But I don't want to give him another chance.
I don't want to say it's okay
I can't give him the piece of me
When there's justice to pay

But like death, gone is gone
And the pages won't turn back
The only question is how long
My heart will stay black

Did you know?

Did you know what you were doing?
Did you know the heart you were breaking?
Did you know exactly how deep you were reaching?
To hurt and destroy and defile.

Tell me, honestly,
Did you know what that meant to me?

I hope to God, that you didn't.

Because the only one
who could do something like that,
is someone I'd like to forget

And now the question is whether I can forgive
something that will never be right,
can never be fixed,
never replaced.

you took a memory
you took a year, almost two.
you took my proudest moment,
the hardest move,
indecision, inspiration, and resolution

You took the air force, medical school,
my first triathlon, and a broken engagement
you took the raw emotion and first person moment
out of all of them.
you took those and you burned them.
you took those and threw them out.

The memory of a lost love,
criticism and indecision of a new
the realization of weakness,
the bad habits and the chance for reflection of growth.
you took those, and I will never have them back.

And what did you leave me?
nothing.

you left me looking over my shoulder
you left me afraid to forget
you left me at the edge of the biggest decision I thought I was making
when at the very moment I had offered you my heart
you revealed what you had done
and both of us saw who the other was

I didn't ask for anything.
And neither did you, but you took them
And, those were mine.

You didn't ask. You didn't ask me if those moments meant anything
You didn't ask if I would share those with you. You didn't ask if you could take that book.
And now it is gone, and you will never ask.

And what else did you take?
You took the freedom I felt when I wrote.
Now every word, is calculated for the day when maybe you'll look again
and maybe you'll take it again, and burn part of me.