Not Ready

That moment when you look at someone
and realize they're better than you
They're smarter than you
They're sweeter and stronger
and kinder than you.

That moment when you look at someone
and realize you don't deserve them
you're not good enough
for their beauty and charm and wit,
but mostly for their love.

That moment when you love someone
who's too good for you
who's too good to you
and they don't even recognize
the imbalance

That's the moment when you look at someone
and you see two roads,
and you have to decide on the one you will take
and you hate yourself and you're afraid
because neither one is a guaranteed thing

One road is short
It's wide open and easy
You've been down that road many times before
It runs away from the person you love
It's all down hill, to a small pond
Where you are the biggest fish

The other road is a mystery
And that's all there is to it.
It requires trust and time,
It's long, and you don't know
what lies along it, or at the end

And the choice seems easy
And you decide which road you want to take
But you can't see the person you loved
Because they left on that road hours ago
and you still hate yourself for not being ready

But you step onto the path knowing
That what's at the end, or along the way, in the middle
will always be better than a fish pond

The Vow

I remember a vow
I took with a friend
We said no more guys
that couldn't work out in the end

We promised each other
and pinky swore
We committed to sainthood
But hoped for something more

Then we parted ways
And I met my first match
An old spark that shone bright
And wanted to catch

I said no and he reasoned,
I said no and he fled
But my heart was heavy
As I cried in my bed

He was a 4 on the checklist
but perfect 10 in my heart
And despite my best judgement,
I let the fling start

But I was torn all along
Because 4 was not 10
My parents constantly reminded me
of the pact with my friend

And I struggled and failed
dissonance ringing again
When I gave too much of myself
And took too much in return

I found some things never change
Some lessons I never learn,
and I got to the point,
it was time for the burn

It came like a storm
Angry and fast
All things perfect and pretty
Destroyed by the blast

I cut him deep
before he hurt me
But the storm cleared up
I had a moment to see

What I saw was a chance
Things didn't have to be this way
I was the 4 and with help,
could be a 10 someday

I came up with a plan
Finally seeing the light
I was the happiest I had been
And slept soundly that night

I woke up with a smile,
Stretched and checked my phone
My smile turned into grief
When his true feelings were known

8 pages of text,
berating and cold
hateful and hurting
"It's over" in bold

The wound had reopened
Forgiveness turned back to deep pain
I had to fix this and would
I prayed one last chance still remained

I put it all out on the table
realizing what I had and could lose
I begged in my heart his forgiveness,
and left it up to him to choose

Then the clouds cleared and the sun shone
I cried when he chose me
I knew then and there
how much we could be someday

But we weren't done with confessing
and this time, his turn
The words stopped my heart
and made my insides churn

I couldn't look at him, I couldn't breathe
A trust so sacred, was broken
And I ran away, far and fast
While on tears I was choking

And I ran and I cried
ignored his attempt to close the door
Went to school and I sat
Trying to not cry any more

But the anger was there,
betrayal and hurt replaced the sun
the devastating act, stung like a burn
It couldn't be undone.

And I couldn't forgive,
and I can't let go
He didn't know what he did
didn't know the strength of the blow

But I don't want to give him another chance.
I don't want to say it's okay
I can't give him the piece of me
When there's justice to pay

But like death, gone is gone
And the pages won't turn back
The only question is how long
My heart will stay black

Did you know?

Did you know what you were doing?
Did you know the heart you were breaking?
Did you know exactly how deep you were reaching?
To hurt and destroy and defile.

Tell me, honestly,
Did you know what that meant to me?

I hope to God, that you didn't.

Because the only one
who could do something like that,
is someone I'd like to forget

And now the question is whether I can forgive
something that will never be right,
can never be fixed,
never replaced.

you took a memory
you took a year, almost two.
you took my proudest moment,
the hardest move,
indecision, inspiration, and resolution

You took the air force, medical school,
my first triathlon, and a broken engagement
you took the raw emotion and first person moment
out of all of them.
you took those and you burned them.
you took those and threw them out.

The memory of a lost love,
criticism and indecision of a new
the realization of weakness,
the bad habits and the chance for reflection of growth.
you took those, and I will never have them back.

And what did you leave me?
nothing.

you left me looking over my shoulder
you left me afraid to forget
you left me at the edge of the biggest decision I thought I was making
when at the very moment I had offered you my heart
you revealed what you had done
and both of us saw who the other was

I didn't ask for anything.
And neither did you, but you took them
And, those were mine.

You didn't ask. You didn't ask me if those moments meant anything
You didn't ask if I would share those with you. You didn't ask if you could take that book.
And now it is gone, and you will never ask.

And what else did you take?
You took the freedom I felt when I wrote.
Now every word, is calculated for the day when maybe you'll look again
and maybe you'll take it again, and burn part of me.

By my side

By my side

08/19/2018

He loves me

Like the lighting of the sun

Like the healing of a heart

I felt his love within me start

I had felt it before,

So familiar but new

Inside my heart something beautiful grew

I felt he understood,

When I was alone

The burden I carried

In my heart, the black stone

It didn’t disappear

Its still just as black,

But I see it with new eyes

When I look back

I see why I suffered,

Why I lost a dear love

I see who was with me

By my side, and above

He knew where I’d be

He knew how I felt

He knew my breaking heart

When before him I knelt

And that’s why I now see

He came down from above,

To take on him the sins

And the grief that accompanies love

He came down and suffered

So that he could know

And when it was my turn,

I wouldn’t be alone.

I lost my dear

I lost my sweet heart

But I gained an understanding

And from there I can start

I am building a new life,

In which Christ will abide

He was there

And will always be

Right by my side

Broken Up

I broke it.
I couldn't fix it
I couldn't wait
I needed it ready right then
And I was frustrated
So I broke it
It felt good
And then he cried
And sobbed into my arms
His prized possession
Into a million shattered pieces
Could I put it back together?
Maybe.
But it wasn't working
And I still don't know how to fix it.
It may have been the wrong fit, from the beginning.
One part that didn't slide into place like it should
It messed everything up
And I couldn't ignore it
And I couldn't accept it
And I couldn't wait another day
So I broke it.

But I broke him too
And when you break a person
It doesn't matter what you say
Or do
Or the way you pretend it never happened
They're broken
And they won't be fixed by June
And they won't change by May
And maybe if you had waited,
They would have helped you find the missing piece
But you broke them
And some things
You can't fix.

Engaged

I'm engaged.

I am exuberant.

I am full of excitement.

I am full of sadness.

I am full of guilt.

I am unfaithful.

I'm in love.

There is no question of what I will do.

I'll marry the one who will always be here for me.

I'll marry Robert who loves me eternally.

But he won't know, there's no replacing my first love.

He doesn't know that there was a fire in my heart that will never burn for him

Yannick will die. Yannick will leave. I will still hold him in my heart, but he will not hold me. 

I'll never let go. And I'll always hold on. And I knew from the beginning, he couldn't be mine.

Four years ago I knew, I knew with black pain in my heart, no matter how badly I wanted, and dreamed and wished it, I couldn't have him, not for a moment.

I knew from that very first trip in his car. He was out  of my reach, and I could only go so far. This love in my breast, this passion, and pain. I will hold on through the night, hold out through the rain. I can't have him. I won't, I shouldn't, I don't. I have something real, something good and whole. 

This is the most painful experience, I'll ever savor on my tongue. And I'll never let go of the wanting and crushing, and burning. I'll never forgive, this lesson I'm learning. 

And Robert won't know, my secret, this passion. I'm an addict, a sinner, a filthy thief in the night. I stole his heart, and I gave him mine, but I have two and one's impossible to find.

I left that with Yannick. Now I leave it for good, but it's still apart of me, although ancient and stained.When I walk by the corner, where he waited for me, when I think of the night he left me a rose, I think of the warm breeze when we sat on his roof, and I know I'll keep the memories sealed up as my proof. I'll love him forever, I'll think of his face, I can't leave him behind, despite the disgrace. 

I'm in love with two men, for separate worlds of reason. 

But I'm engaged, so to one I say goodbye for a season.

Fire

The day he died, I died too
Because when the only person
that you are real with
is gone

The only one who knew you
and accepted you
and encouraged you
is dead...

Not just out of your life
but not even existing
how can you be sure,
you exist anymore either?

It's three years,
and I'm a completely
different person but,
I still can't get over it
and I probably
never will.

When I meet someone
boring, I miss him, or
great, and I dream it's him
but mostly, they don't touch me

Guys on every spectrum
like a match
an immature sparkler
when my blazing sun just set

The person I rebuilt
it doesn't know how to love
like the old one did

And I keep making analogies of fire
because that's how it felt.
Fire is the closest thing to life
and I am the closest thing to substance

Matter, impersonating image
I'm being dramatic
It's not that big of deal
being on an equal playing field
as everyone else

Is this what normal life is like?
If it is, I wish I was still special
Does no one feel?
Is there no passion
in this forsaken wilderness of gray?

How did I age so much in three years
The fire is gone
and lives in grief
pain is the last glowing ember
of the vitality I knew