Fire

The day he died, I died too
Because when the only person
that you are real with
is gone

The only one who knew you
and accepted you
and encouraged you
is dead...

Not just out of your life
but not even existing
how can you be sure,
you exist anymore either?

It's three years,
and I'm a completely
different person but,
I still can't get over it
and I probably
never will.

When I meet someone
boring, I miss him, or
great, and I dream it's him
but mostly, they don't touch me

Guys on every spectrum
like a match
an immature sparkler
when my blazing sun just set

The person I rebuilt
it doesn't know how to love
like the old one did

And I keep making analogies of fire
because that's how it felt.
Fire is the closest thing to life
and I am the closest thing to substance

Matter, impersonating image
I'm being dramatic
It's not that big of deal
being on an equal playing field
as everyone else

Is this what normal life is like?
If it is, I wish I was still special
Does no one feel?
Is there no passion
in this forsaken wilderness of gray?

How did I age so much in three years
The fire is gone
and lives in grief
pain is the last glowing ember
of the vitality I knew

Fairytale

I haven't had a fairy tale romance in a long time, I haven't fallen in love in a long time, I haven't felt so nervous around a guy I could barely speak in a really really long time. I haven't had the crazy butterflies, or lose my breath each time I think about someone. It's been years, in fact only one other time in my life have I felt like this and that was with Yannick.
But this week, it happened again. :)
It happened with Alex, and I am in love and infatuated and I want him to like me and notice me and even just talk to me, but he is also completely unattainable.
Why do I want him so badly? I want his lifestyle, and I want his mind, and I want his freedom and warmth and love. I want to be with him, just by his side, backpacking through the wilderness. He's seen the world, and he's living a life of adventure and thrill and freedom and he's just perfect.
I was such an idiot in front of him though, and I would kill to have one more chance with him. I just want to, have to, see him one more time.
I loved the way he looked and talked and smelled. Oh my goodness, that smell was heaven. He gave me that scarf of his and I literally feel a sense of euphoria every time I smell it. I don't know if he'll ever contact me again though, I'm trying to be patient, and I'm trying to have hope, because why else would he have given me his number and said he wanted to meet again some time? He's gone for a week in Escalante, and I just texted him, I shouldn't have, I should have just waited, I don't want to seem over eager and freak him out. He probably knows how much I like him though, I've messaged him last and texted last and texted again. I am not texting him ever again. I can't until he texts me. I just can't do that, I'm not desperate and I'm not pathetic like that. If he doesn't want to be with me, then I can accept that. I just hope and pray and wish more than anything that he will text me.
Those eyes, and that laugh and the smile. Haha I laugh just thinking about it. We talked for hours and I was more nervous than I've ever been before, but I didn't want to leave, ever. That van, that adorable van. And he laughed at my jokes and told me I was so darn cute. haha except he didn't say darn. :)
I'm going to see him again, I have to.
And if I don't, then I'll have had the most amazing night of my post-mission life and keep this fairytale forever.

Medical School

I've always been sure

of the path I will take.

I've tried to be careful 

of the choices I make

And up to a point

it worked like a dream

I was successful, on-track,

Ahead of the game.

Then I went away

and experienced real life

I changed my views,

and my course,

The whole path of my life.

The old would not do.

and I thought I could change

I had been successful before,

With nothing to blame

But the reality hit

and left me wanting for more

Everyone was set 

when I came in, deplored

The pressure came on

More intense than I knew

I held on so certain

and ready to do

Whatever it took 

to reach my high dream.

And I hit and I ran 

felt powerful as sin

I knew I had got that 

I was there for the win

The dream was mine for the taking

And I wanted it so bad, 

my heart was on fire,

I'd give all that I had.

It was right

and I was there

And I couldn't take it too far.

Like nothing and no one

I'd connected with before.

But  that pressure went up,

All day long, it never ceased . 

And I learned even the thrill seeker 

must remember to breathe.

That sun in the skillet

never let me catch a breath

I was holding on and running

But hurting like death

It was too high and I knew it

And I started to fear.

Afraid of falling, 

afraid of failing 

the one thing I never could do.

And suddenly it's here, 

the end to never is approaching

I've barely entered the game

But, they're passing and expecting

And I'm holding 

But I'm falling 

and failing
for the first time in my life

I'm afraid of the future

but I hold on to the strife

And I still want this much more

than anything I've felt before

The passion that leads me 

It's real as dawn on the shore

But the handholds are getting looser,

and I'm losing my strength,

Because I can't keep loving something 

In which I have no place.

I want it and it hurts,

that unrequited love.

But all I do won't be enough

when I fall from above.

Missionary Journal

This was written while I was a new missionary in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia in June 2015.

                My Conversion Story

My conversion story is a lifelong conversion story. I was born under the covenant. My immediate family and many extended family members are members of the church. The first time I prayed I was maybe 2 years old. I don’t even remember it. I was baptized when I was eight and at that time I believed in God and Jesus. I remember in my baptismal interview my bishop asked me and I could answer that I believed and I wanted to be baptized. After that, I continued going to primary and young women’s classes, through that time I had experiences of prayers being answered. I read the Book of Mormon when I was ten and prayed about it. I prayed about Joseph Smith and I still remember the clear answer that came to me, that I already knew the truth, that he was a prophet. When I took seminary I read the New Testament and Book of Mormon again and continued praying and attending church.

It was during high school when I started questioning my testimony. I recognized I knew nothing other than life in the church. I sometimes wished I could have been like my mom who met with missionaries and chose on her own to be baptized when she was 20, because that way I’d know for sure it was my right choice. That time I started on my journey of my adult conversion. Throughout high school and college I studied the scriptures off and on. I went in and out of the habit to pray. When I did my callings I did them grudgingly and I complained about and broke some commandments. I still went to church though and still felt I believed in what I’d learned as a child.

When the age change for missionaries came out I was excited along with my friends at the prospect of going on a mission. At the time I started preparing for one though, my conversion wasn’t deep enough and I let other things become more important to me and eventually started opposing the idea. At that time I also met my previous boyfriend. He wasn’t a member of the church and I knew I shouldn’t date him, but like I had before, I put my own interests before the advice of prophets and parents and dated him anyway. He was everything I thought I wanted in a husband. I fell in love. Eventually he asked me what he’d have to do to get me to marry him.

I was torn. I wanted to marry him, but my family was very opposed to me even dating him. My parents talked to me over and over again about the wrong path I was going down. When they talked to me, when I went to church, I felt deep in my heart that they were right. But I wanted to marry him and I was used to doing what I wanted. It was a hard time for me. I felt pulled in different directions. At that critical time I wasn’t doing the things to help me feel the spirit. I started distancing myself from my family, I started making bad choices and I was spending more and more of my time with my boyfriend and  friends whose standards were much lower than mine. Then one morning after a night of fun with my new friends and more lectures from my parents I realized I was completely lost.

 I was trying to serve two masters and Satan was obviously the only one winning. I felt the weight of guilt and shame that comes from sin and I just broke under it all. I went sobbing to my parents. Leading up to that I had spent although I thought I was very happy there was a part of me that couldn’t relax. I realized what I was doing would have eternal consequences. During our dating period I had lowered my standards as I spent time with him and his friends. The guilt and loss of the spirit from some of my actions made my decision even harder to make as I had distanced myself from God so much I was even wondering sometimes if He even existed.

However, in those extremely difficult weeks of decision when I had to choose to marry him or stay with the faith of my childhood, what I remembered was the Book of Mormon. I knew I had felt the power from that book. I knew the history of it. Although I had convinced myself of explanations to deny everything else I believe in, I couldn’t for the Book of Mormon. I knew what it contained was true and that it couldn’t have come about without God’s hand in it.

Because of that knowledge I made the hardest choice in my life. I broke up with my boyfriend and watched him move to a different state for work without me. After he left I went through the difficult process of repentance. I started to read my scriptures and prayed every day without missing once. Even though I was feeling immense relief and joy from having the spirit in my life again, there were days when I missed him so much I was for sure I had made the wrong choice. In these times, I tried to turn to God for reassurance.

Months passed and I started thinking about serving a mission. I was hoping by serving it would help me to move on and stop missing him. I knew the choice I had made to break up was right, but I still loved and missed my old boyfriend. I figured if I went on a mission that when I came back I would know how to help him come unto Christ and I could share the gospel with him. I prayed about going on a mission and finally one night I got a strong impression it was right. The next day however, my life changed again as I learned that my ex-boyfriend had been killed in an accident.

I was devastated. I had never felt that much pain or loss before in my life. Unlike the people I’d loved who’d passed away before this, my boyfriend wasn’t a member, he hadn’t lived according to the gospel, he hadn’t gone to the temple, and we weren’t sealed or officially connected in any way. I didn’t have all of those things to comfort me, or give me the hope of being with him again. All I felt was loss and despair and that I would never see him again in this life or the next. I didn’t know what would happen to him.

In those first few days I questioned my decision of not marrying him, I questioned everything and yet each question was answered by the feeling that underneath the soul crushing sadness at least God was still there. I turned to God and poured out my soul to Him, this time in my life knowing I was living exactly within His commandments gave me the ability to trust that although I might not be happy, God was still over all things. That was when I felt that my conversion to this point of my life was complete. I had given up the man I loved forever for the chance to live according to God’s commandments. And from that, a few days later a miracle happened. God answered my pleas for help in a way I didn’t expect. My grief was swept away by the revelation I received. The answer was simple and straight to the point. And with the answer there was no doubt in my mind that God was over all things, my ex boyfriend was one of his sons, and both of us would be happy one day.

After my personal revelation, my heart was filled with gratitude to God and faith in the reality of the Atonement which made it possible for Christ to succor me according to my exact needs at that time.

I began to work on mission papers. Within a month I had submitted and received a call to the Mongolia, Ulaanbaatar mission. I knew the answer to my questions about serving a mission was real and that I needed to stand by the prompting I received before I found out about my friend’s death.  I’m now a missionary and I’ve continued to deepen my conversion through study and service. Everything I’d learned and felt as a child, a teenager, during the repentance process, during the grieving process and now what I teach and study, all strengthen and deepen my testimony and understanding of the gospel. I’m not even close to becoming a saint through Christ, but I think I’m finally on the path and I think that the decisions I’ve made based on the knowledge I’ve gained through my life are leading me to being truly converted. 

I'm Going to Break My Own Rules

Yesterday was the first time I felt frustrated with the person I'm dating. We've started spending a lot of time together, he's held my hand, we've spent time with each others' family, but the thing is this, we haven't talked about the relationship or how we feel about each other, once. Not once. I've hinted but not brought it up outright, and every time I hint (over text-I know, I'm a coward) Josh lets me know that we're good, that he wants to talk about things, but wants to do it in person, that he likes open communication, and I tell him it's fine, I'm not in a hurry, in person is good, whenever he's ready.

And I'm not in a hurry for a commitment. Despite everyone thinking that we're dating officially, I don't care if we call it anything or not. But, what I do want to know is how he really feels about me; and I want to know if this actually might go somewhere. Again though, I don't care if it doesn't. I just need to know what he's thinking. And I know he likes me, I know he does because of his actions. He's adorable, so sweet. He's always a gentleman. But, the thing is, I don't want to push him. I don't want him to feel like he has to do stuff for me and ask me out, and spend all of his time with me, or buy me flowers, or pay for me. He's doing this stuff and I think it's because he likes me, but what if he just likes the idea of me? He tells me his family likes me, and he has a brother and a sister that are both engaged, so why not jump on the engagement train? 

But, the thing is, I don't believe that's why he's doing these things. I don't think he would hold my hand or take me out if he didn't like me. But, I just want us to talk. Because I still feel like an idiot even talking to him about stuff, and I want us to build an emotional connection, but I'm not going to puke out a whole bunch of emotional baggage/crap to try to force that. I want things to happen naturally, but this is not natural. Our communication has gone down the tubes, and I'm sick of it. 

It's my fault. I keep waiting for him to bring up the subject, and I feel like I need to let him lead, and make all of the moves, but I don't have to do that. I can ask questions, and bring up the conversation. So far I've just been stubborn and dumb because in the past I've never brought up anything about the relationship with any of the other boys I dated; they always brought it up before I needed to. But in this case, I'm ready to talk about it, and I haven't. And that is causing me a lot of stress. It's okay for me to bring it up. I'm not ashamed of the way I feel, and I'm okay with expressing that. If he doesn't feel the same way, then I want to know what he's feeling, what he's thinking. 

And it's not because I want to know if I have a chance or if I should kill the relationship because other guys have been showing interest and even asking me out. I know that's nice, and I know I could date them if I wanted to, but I want to date Josh. I think he's the most wonderful person I've been around, and I want things to work with us. I'll be the communicator if that's what he needs, I'll bring things up. Because if I really were to be consistent, then I would bring it up, I would show that I'm a functioning and capable adult in this case like in any other. I wouldn't hide from the issue, or feel awkward about it, or feel like I couldn't express myself because he wasn't letting me. I like Josh, and maybe I'm finally feeling what most girls feel about a guy, because I'm willing to bring up the DTR even though that breaks my cardinal rule of dating. Because I've given all I'm going to give up to this point, and if Josh doesn't want to go further than this, that's where we'll stop.

Pivitol experiences in my college life

ACCESS summer
Horizonte esl night classes 
Research lab u of u
Dating Yannick
Working at Honolulu grill
Iowa summer 
Benergy work
Mission to Mongolia 
Teaching English in Mongolia 
Hospital internship
Doctors volunteer clinic 
Doctor Shadowing
The Children of Hope Academy
Being Relief society President
Coaching Girls on the Run

Hardest Thing

The hardest thing I have experienced in my life was the sudden death of a person very close to me. My friend/previous boyfriend was killed in an accident in the fall of 2014. His sudden death was harder for me than words can describe. His death shattered our dreams together, took away my best friend, and left me devastated. Losing someone so dear to me put me in a position where my faith was really tried for the first time in my life. 

The way I was able to overcome the shock and grief of his death was by strengthening my testimony. At first my faith felt very weak; fear and doubts overwhelmed me. However, a strong answer to a prayer, shortly after the accident, reaffirmed that God was there and aware of me. I knew that I could cope with my loss and get through this time only if I had God's help. I acted on the promptings of the Spirit to dedicate my time to God by serving a full-time mission. 

Through studying scriptures, conference talks, prayer, and conversations with specific people while on my mission, I've received the help I sought. I've found answers to my questions, comfort, and a confirmation that has helped me to gain peace and understanding of my purpose in life and in God's perfect plan. Although I don't understand everything, through this experience I've gained a deeper understanding of the gospel, and learned to relate to people who have experienced loss.