Heaven

Heaven, what is heaven?
Heaven is a moment.
The sensation of return,
Of welcome back to familiar arms,
After a long night of separation
Heaven is letting go
Stepping away from the rush
And deadlines and hurry
And lists of never-end
Heaven is music.
Of strumming  and calm
Or crescendoing up to a hold
Even the crash and throbbing of bass
That's heaven.
But extend that moment
And the moment is gone
Add a future and the moment seems long
And boring and bland
See, heaven is a moment
Pure and alone
Contrast is needed for heaven
5.17.16

Acceptance and Depression

I'm doing it, I'm moving onto the acceptance part of the grief cycle. I feel it. I have depressed days, I feel lonely and miss him sometimes, but it's not painful anymore. The predominant feeling I have now is peace. I'm not so afraid of being alone. There's that warm dull feeling of acceptance, kind of below the surface, that just takes away the stress about being everything.
Travis says it's resignation.
He has a way with words, always finding the right one.
He's mad I'm so resigned though.
I won't play into his plan, cause I won't fight anymore.
I can see both view points, but why would I fight against my culture and religion and values? The things that bring stability and a future, I don't need to fight against those.
I used to.
But now I'm just resigned to whatever pulls me.
I'm done rebelling, I want to yield. I want to be kind, I want to just be the sympathetic ear, and accepting shoulder. People mourn, there are so many mourners and grievers, and they need someone to sit with them in silence and not try to fix it or change it.
Being resigned doesn't mean I've given up, it doesn't mean I don't work.
I just want different things now, maybe some more mature things, maybe some easier things.
I don't want to try and be alone anymore though.
I need my parents and that's okay. I love them. I want them.
I'm done with proving to the world that I can be okay on my own.
I thought that was so great, showing everyone I was independent, they didn't even care about that. And it just made me miserable.
The contest I made up, see who can be the most alone, the most independent, get the farthest on their own doing it the hardest way. Why would I do that? But there were  people who respected that. And that way I didn't need anyone's approval, I was better than them all, because I could have the grades and the internships and scholarships without their help or anyone's.
I don't care about proving anything anymore. I'm done with that now, I resign.

How I decided to switch to pre-med and not chemistry

So, I'm pretty sure this is the dumbest blog I've ever seen. There's like no wisdom or cool recipes or fun pictures, and I'm pretty sure the world doesn't need to know the details of my life. So I think I'm just going to delete all of this pretty soon. The problem is, since someone that knew Yannick commented on the old post about him, this is literally the only potential place of contact I could have with them. They commented like 6 months ago, so it seems completely crazy that they would even look at this blog again, but on that off chance that they would I feel like I have to keep this up, even if it's just one post.
Anyways, update on life, I'm still trying to make some friends now that I'm home, and that's not been too successful, but whatever, I'll just keep trying. At least I've figured out what to do with my life and am taking some steps to get there, which is: to be a doctor. I'm just going to go for it, cause you know, I'll get old no matter what so might as well have a great career to go with my old age. And hey, if I actually somehow get into medical school and then get through it all and residency and actually become a doctor, then that's pretty cool. I'd get to help people (in between fighting with insurance companies and filling out mountains of paperwork of course).
I guess I have a bit of a cool story about figuring out how I wanted to be a doctor, I'll share that now, cause that's something kind of neat and not super boring. (well maybe it is to you, I think it's special though)

How I Decided to Switch to Pre-Med and Kick Chemistry to the Curb!

By: Makelle G

Once upon a time there was an RM who learned that she actually liked people and was kind of good at making connections with people even though her entire pre-mission life she thought she was anti-social and didn't like people that much. After having this grand discovery she was a lot happier and realized that since the only reason she hadn't wanted to be a doctor before her mission was the people-factor, now she might actually be able to do that-- be a doctor that is.

Anyways, enough of the weird third-person style, that RM is obviously me, back to first person...

After I decided maybe I could be a doctor, (my old mission president and mission doctor both were super supportive of that idea) I went to an adviser at my school and talked about the possibility of pre-med. I was skeptical, but he actually said I have a pretty good chance of getting into med school, so I jumped on board. 

That same day I went to the Chemistry adviser to see what it would take to get a Chemistry degree(I was switching from Biology). It would take another two full semesters and then a two semester class that is only offered odd years so I'd have to wait til next year to take that.

The chemistry major sounded pretty good because chemistry jobs are easier to find and typically higher paying than jobs you can get with just a biology bachelor's degree. So chemistry really appealed to me because of the nice back up plan it provided if I didn't get into medical school. Plus I could always get into graduate school for chemistry if I didn't get into medical school considering I have the grades and research experience that grad schools typically look for. 

In addition to the chemistry major and potential for chemistry grad school plan I had, that same week I was offered a job as a research assistant at a chemistry/physics lab I had worked at before my mission, this time for a higher wage though. Everything seemed to be working out perfectly. 

But, then things stopped working out quite as smoothly. I was feeling all this stress. I couldn't work out my schedule to fit all of the classes I wanted and needed in addition to the work and volunteering I was going to do. Most of all, one of the required chemistry classes I had was at the same time as the cell biology class I've been looking forward to taking since I started my bio major. I didn't actually need that class for the MCAT or pre-med, but I still really wanted to take it. Things just weren't working out as well as I was hoping for.

Then I had a thought, what do you want? What's your goal? My answer was: I want to go to medical school. Then my mind raised the obvious question: Then why the heck are you stressing about all this stupid chemistry stuff? You're setting yourself up perfectly for a career in chemistry, which you don't even like! 

So after that internal dialogue, I decided who cares about doing all this chem stuff, what do I need to get into med school? What will help me most in a career in biology?

I switched my major back to Biology and I went to the adviser again. He mapped out the classes I need to take before the MCAT and then what else I need to do to get a degree, in Biology with a biomedical emphasis. All of that in 3 semesters.

Why I Kicked My Chemistry Job to the Curb

By: Makelle G

This is kind of the sequel to the previous section, the next and final step in abandoning my chemistry pathway. Shortly after switching my major back to biology and creating a much nicer schedule with classes I'm excited about taking, I started my new job. The interview went great. I had the job before I even showed up. They wanted my experience and needed a lab assistant. I felt fine going into everything. The lab was just like I remembered from before my mission, and the Ph.Ds there seemed nice enough. 

I started a few days later. That first day, I walked into the lab and waited for someone to come show me what I'd be working on. Eventually someone came but not until after I already felt like an idiot just sitting around there for so long while everyone else worked busily around me ignoring my presence or rudely refuting my attempts to be friendly. After being told what I'd be doing, which was pretty much: we have no idea cause our equipment is broken and we haven't figured out any new directions to go, so you go read this 35 page long research article and maybe you or I will figure out something to do and then you can experiment with this new bag of rocks I bought, I went off to a corner and sat around for the next four hours by myself only getting through about ten pages reading a paper about things I didn't understand or even care about learning.

By the end of the day I was not in the best shape. I was pretty embarrassed, and feeling like an idiot on many levels, but mostly I just felt completely out of place. Before my mission I had thirsted for that kind of knowledge, learning new chemistry, reading papers, working alone didn't bother me, I probably wouldn't have even attempted being friendly. But now I'm different. They told me with their voices how much they needed me, but at the end of the day I felt completely useless.

Maybe I've just lost my knack for chemistry, or maybe I've just lost my knack for dis-valuing myself, but I couldn't stay there. I'm good at chemistry, but they didn't let me show that cause they gave me something completely out of my pay range a research paper that I'm supposed to understand and come up with ideas for experiments from. The thing I felt was most undervalued though was the thing I've learned to value in myself the most: the way I connect with people. It's been a long time since O. Chem. I don't remember the steps of hydrolysis or a condensation reaction, and I don't remember the terms I learned two years ago, but I like myself and I value myself. The whole atmosphere there wasn't a good one for me. I was alone, I felt dumb, I was embarrassed for trying to be friendly. When I left, I walked out still pretending I was fine. I started walking home then stopped at the park. I just sat down, took off my shoes, pulled out my lunch which I hadn't taken time to eat, and started to cry. 

I was pretty sure that I was stuck at a job that I already hated, but had to find a bright side because it was a job, it worked with my schedule, paid well, and looked good on a resume. The way I was feeling though wasn't the way you feel when you can find a bright side. 

The next day I went to the clinic I volunteer at. I got to work in the back and go to work in scrubs for the first time. The morning there was really fun. I got to do regular medical assistant duties, taking blood pressure, doing glucose tests, even cleaning the wax out of someone's ears. It was all so fun, and interactive with patients and I felt like I was helping people out as well as getting to talk to them. After my shift ended I was getting ready to go to my job at the lab. After the amazing morning working at the clinic I really dreaded going to work. I already was hoping to find a different job so I could quit the lab one, but after going to the clinic I couldn't make myself go back to that place, so I did something I've never done before, I quit my job. I didn't have anything else lined up, there was no reason I can put on an application, but I just quit because I wasn't about to buy into the idea that I'm not worth anything.

So, this is where I'm at. I'm out of a job, I did get a job lined up at a call center though. It pays well and has hours that are flexible with my schedule so my classes can come first. It's not prestigious at all, but it's a job and I'd rather be at a low-grade call center than working for a place that makes me feel bad about myself.

If I look at my goals: Get into medical school, become a doctor, help people, I don't need a position in a chemistry lab as much as I need self confidence and self value to achieve those. I don't need a degree in chemistry as much as I need to be ready for the MCAT and get a good score on that. I'll get an internship for another research lab this summer. I might have overreacted at the lab, if I stayed for a week or so I probably could have started to feel valued, but I couldn't wait that long, my time is too precious. I mean, I have to write these blog posts. ;)
8/12/16

Quote

"I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors … who have preceded us into the spirit world. We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break."

Joseph F. Smith

Sometimes I'm afraid to forget those I love that are on the other side, because I'm afraid that when I can't remember them anymore they'll just disappear. That's been a fear of mine for a long time, especially with Yannick. But, even if I can't recall the details of Grandpa Louis' face, or the words my paternal grandma said to me last, they're still there. They exist, and they're cheering me on when I make the hard decisions that lead me along the path of righteousness. My grandma was there for me throughout my mission. Yannick is a part of my daily life. Grandma and Grandpa B are there watching me grow up. I love these people, and I won't forget that.

I know I'm living in the past, in a sort of twilight zone of the unseen, some people will probably tell me I need to let go, but sometimes you can't face the possibility of the people you love not being a part of your life anymore. Like Joseph F. Smith said, maybe they aren't so far from us.

I'm home!!!

Hello America!
Hey, I'm back from Mongolia, finally! I'm sure I'll post a ton of stuff on Mongolia later, or maybe I won't, we'll just have to wait and see, but for now I just want to talk about being home. Okay, but first I actually do want to say something about my time in Mongolia. So, living in Mongolia and teaching English and the gospel there has been hands down, the most amazing thing of my life. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, especially learning the language, but it was completely beautiful.

I think the thing I learned there the most was how to really love other people. And I've found that love just starts with happiness. In fact, I am pretty sure that's all love is anyway, it's just happiness. What I mean by that is, when you love someone you try to make them happy and you share your happiness with them. I used to be a really reserved, kind of self-centered, self-conscious person. I'd only really share myself and be who I truly was with very select people, and you know, that really put a damper on my life, cause I wasn't "loving' up to my full potential. (ignore that ridiculous pun, please.)

So, anyways, throughout my mission in Mongolia and teaching English, I was pretty much forced to give everything I had of myself to other people, whether it was my students, my investigators, or especially my companions. There was no break and I was required to serve those people 24/7. And at first I really resented that and I had a horrible time on my mission. I missed my family, I missed Yannick, I missed my friends, and I constantly felt like I was pretending to be someone I'm not. But you know what? I finally just let go of my insecurities and figured that this is who I am and if I keep bottling up all of my thoughts and feelings and ideas which are pretty much the only thing that makes me ME, then I'm going to be miserable forever.

And this wasn't an entirely conscious thing either. Through time I just felt more and more of myself just easing up and becoming comfortable being myself more often, and by doing that I was happier and I could start making others happier because I wasn't afraid anymore to share the joke or funny thing I thought of, and I wasn't afraid of what someone would think if I gave them a hug or if the advice I was giving them didn't make perfect sense in Mongolian. I just started sharing myself with other people and even when I felt crappy I loved these people so I'd still try to make them happy and share something and as a result I felt more loved and accepted and it blasted those negative feelings away. So I guess by loving people enough to share yourself with them and loving yourself enough to share yourself with others that everything in the world just becomes a whole lot easier and way happier.

So, that was the biggest thing I learned in Mongolia, and the biggest change I was able to go through. And I'm incredibly happy and grateful for that because I saw the change that had on my attitude on life, the change in my stress level and the change in my ability to communicate with others. And they are all good changes.

A new adventure

It looks like all of my posts are about Yannick. This blog is about my life, whatever I feel like writing, so since he was the love of my life, I guess it makes sense. But, it has been more than 6 months now since I have talked to him, 8 months since I have seen him, and 10 weeks since I learned of his death. I still miss him just like I have ever since I let him leave, but I am not standing still. I am moving to Mongolia. Yes, Mongolia. The country that is between Russia and China. I'm going for 18 months to teach English and to invite others to come unto Christ by helping them learn about the restored gospel. I leave on December 17, exactly one year after I broke up with Yannick the first time. I'm going to be a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Life is not how you expect it to be. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a teacher or an actress, but most of all I wanted to be a mom, get married right out of high school and have ten kids. Then as I got older I realized I wanted to go to college and have a career, and still a family. I never wanted to serve a mission, that didn't fit in with the plans I had at all. When I was about to turn 19 I decided that I should go on a mission, partly because that's what all of my friends were doing at the time. My heart wasn't in it though, and I didn't ever turn in my papers. Because of my indecision in those months, I gave up my scholarship to the dream school I was attending and had no choice but to go to school at the mediocre college in my hometown. It was there that I met Yannick and fell in love and learned more about myself and my values than from any other experience in my life.

I'm still at that mediocre college and I won't lie, I miss my big university life. If life had gone as expected, I would be getting ready to graduate in a year with a biology degree, I'd be working in a research lab and be getting ready to apply for grad schools.
But instead, I'm at a humble school, and I am grateful for it. Being here has changed the course of my life. I'm switching my major and my entire life plan from Biology to something else, because it turns out, I don't want to live my life in a research lab. I'm about to go on a mission to serve and teach people. I'm going to a place I would never have dreamed I'd see, to meet people that I will have one chance to help. Through being here I've come to a point in life where my mantra has become, "You don't have to be happy right now, you just have to do what is right."

It's been a rough road to this point, and at times I think of what my life would have been like if I had never come home. It might have been a little less painful, but I would have never met Yannick, I would never have gone to do research in Iowa where I met many wonderful friends, and I would not be at the point in my life where I am excited to go to a foreign place to teach God's word. Even though I'm not an actress, teacher, mom or biologist, I wouldn't go back one minute. I am grateful for the experiences I've had and I'm grateful to God and all the people that have come into my life in the past 18 months. I've changed, I've grown up a bit, and I like the person I'm becoming.

I think I'm having boy trouble. But I don't know if that's what this is...

The Problem:

The guy I worked with wants to date me. I like him and everything, but I still miss Yannick and I'm going on a mission in three weeks, so I don't really want any distractions.

The Details:

He's cute. The first time I saw him I felt a little spark of attraction just in the looks department, but then I got to know him and my interest kind of wavered cause he's a bit quirky, but then built up again because he's a fun and nice guy.

He knew Yannick. They were friends in high school. Of course they would be. I don't know if this makes it better or worse. He reminds me of Yannick in some ways, same temperment, some personality similarities. I can see why they were friends, but at the same time, he's nothing like Yannick in beliefs and life experience.

He's not a member of my church. Of course not, they never are. Again this is different though, because unlike Yannick, he was a member of my church until he moved away from home. I'm not sure if this makes it a better or worse situation.

I had a crush on him and I liked working with him. We worked pretty well together. I was his assistant and I think he liked having me there to assist him, massaged his ego a bit. In my case, I had to throw a bit of my pride out the window to be assisting someone, but he was always nice about it, and my loyalty to the company and him made me do a good job. It's true you end up caring about the people you serve.

I don't feel like he and I are on the same page with what a relationship means. Every time I want to hang out with him, it seems like he's busy. It feels like I'm always waiting for him to ask me out, for him to text me, for him to suggest something. It feels like I'm always waiting and begging him to hang out, and I do not like that. He is simply not worth it to keep putting myself out there, but I keep doing it just because I think he'd want to hang out. I should not be chasing him.

Yannick always put me first, and I put him first. We'd skip classes, ditch friends, stay up late, wake up early, drive all the way back to school to say hi for only five minutes. If something was really important that we couldn't miss, we would tell each other that we wanted to be with them but we had to be responsible and keep the rest of our lives going too and we'd both understand. There was always that communication factor, that reminder that we were special to each other, worth the sacrifice, worth the wait. That isn't there with the guy at work. I don't feel important to him, unless it's convenient.

I know a lot of this short list mentions Yannick. I can't help it. That's another big point on my list of details. I miss Yannick. I love Yannick. I want to be with someone that makes me feel like that again, and this guy doesn't do that for me. I like him, I enjoy spending time with him, but there is a huge thing missing. I kissed him and there was no spark. I felt like a cold shell of a human just going through the motions. And not only that, after some time of searching after Yannick's death, I have found what actually makes me feel fulfilled, and that is my mission. And being with this guy, dating him, it doesn't add to that mission plan. He takes away from it.

I don't care about being happy right now, because knowing Yannick is dead still holds sadness for me. Right now I just care about being fulfilled, having my sense of purpose. When I put my purpose first in my life I feel like I'm healing, and dating this guy would feel fake, it would feel like I'm faking my happiness, pretending my mission and my church isn't the most important thing to me. I would be lying and by dating him.

Even with this knowledge of myself, it's hard telling a good friend that I don't want to date him. I want to spend time with him, because I care about him, I want him to be happy and I  like having a friend to have fun with. But I know that dating him would be a lie, and would be beneath what I deserve.

I am strong, beautiful, talented, and I am worth it, and I won't believe anyone who tells me otherwise.