By my side

By my side

08/19/2018

He loves me

Like the lighting of the sun

Like the healing of a heart

I felt his love within me start

I had felt it before,

So familiar but new

Inside my heart something beautiful grew

I felt he understood,

When I was alone

The burden I carried

In my heart, the black stone

It didn’t disappear

Its still just as black,

But I see it with new eyes

When I look back

I see why I suffered,

Why I lost a dear love

I see who was with me

By my side, and above

He knew where I’d be

He knew how I felt

He knew my breaking heart

When before him I knelt

And that’s why I now see

He came down from above,

To take on him the sins

And the grief that accompanies love

He came down and suffered

So that he could know

And when it was my turn,

I wouldn’t be alone.

I lost my dear

I lost my sweet heart

But I gained an understanding

And from there I can start

I am building a new life,

In which Christ will abide

He was there

And will always be

Right by my side

Broken Up

I broke it.
I couldn't fix it
I couldn't wait
I needed it ready right then
And I was frustrated
So I broke it
It felt good
And then he cried
And sobbed into my arms
His prized possession
Into a million shattered pieces
Could I put it back together?
Maybe.
But it wasn't working
And I still don't know how to fix it.
It may have been the wrong fit, from the beginning.
One part that didn't slide into place like it should
It messed everything up
And I couldn't ignore it
And I couldn't accept it
And I couldn't wait another day
So I broke it.

But I broke him too
And when you break a person
It doesn't matter what you say
Or do
Or the way you pretend it never happened
They're broken
And they won't be fixed by June
And they won't change by May
And maybe if you had waited,
They would have helped you find the missing piece
But you broke them
And some things
You can't fix.

Engaged

I'm engaged.

I am exuberant.

I am full of excitement.

I am full of sadness.

I am full of guilt.

I am unfaithful.

I'm in love.

There is no question of what I will do.

I'll marry the one who will always be here for me.

I'll marry Robert who loves me eternally.

But he won't know, there's no replacing my first love.

He doesn't know that there was a fire in my heart that will never burn for him

Yannick will die. Yannick will leave. I will still hold him in my heart, but he will not hold me. 

I'll never let go. And I'll always hold on. And I knew from the beginning, he couldn't be mine.

Four years ago I knew, I knew with black pain in my heart, no matter how badly I wanted, and dreamed and wished it, I couldn't have him, not for a moment.

I knew from that very first trip in his car. He was out  of my reach, and I could only go so far. This love in my breast, this passion, and pain. I will hold on through the night, hold out through the rain. I can't have him. I won't, I shouldn't, I don't. I have something real, something good and whole. 

This is the most painful experience, I'll ever savor on my tongue. And I'll never let go of the wanting and crushing, and burning. I'll never forgive, this lesson I'm learning. 

And Robert won't know, my secret, this passion. I'm an addict, a sinner, a filthy thief in the night. I stole his heart, and I gave him mine, but I have two and one's impossible to find.

I left that with Yannick. Now I leave it for good, but it's still apart of me, although ancient and stained.When I walk by the corner, where he waited for me, when I think of the night he left me a rose, I think of the warm breeze when we sat on his roof, and I know I'll keep the memories sealed up as my proof. I'll love him forever, I'll think of his face, I can't leave him behind, despite the disgrace. 

I'm in love with two men, for separate worlds of reason. 

But I'm engaged, so to one I say goodbye for a season.